Season 3, Episode 51: "Stuff'll Kill Ya"

Well, everyone, we have finally made it to the high school episodes! From this point forward, we'll be heading into the unaired (at least in the United States) caverns of the show.

Strangely, the theme song remains the same. It would have been nice if they had changed it to reflect Ginger and her friends' new looks and school.

This isn't a first day of school episode--at least, I don't think it is. It looks like the Luckians are about a week or two into their new schedules, seeing as the students are stressing out about assignments already. Honestly, high school is not this stressful--at least not to the point where students are walking around simultaneously neurotic and like they haven't seen a bed in months. That's for college. Take the girl at the beginning of the episode, for example. It's a strange sequence where it follows her on her way to Lucky High drinking some coffee, and the animation pauses every time a new set of credits pop up. There's a funky beat in the background, stopping right as we catch Ginger speed-walking through the halls in an overwhelming fog, with Dodie and Macie right behind her.

Ginger's schedule had been completely rearranged, most likely because her guidance counselor was arranging students' schedules during a hangover. I totally get it--the week before school begins makes all staff and teachers go on a "pre-first day" bender in preparation for the upcoming year's shenanigans.

Dodie glances at Ginger's new schedule and notices a teacher with the last name Zorski is her new first period teacher. Naturally, they assume it's Ms. Zorski from the junior high school, and wonder why she hadn't told them she had transferred to Lucky High. Gee girls, I guess it never crossed your minds that two different people can share the same last name. Whatever the truth is, Ginger's stress takes a nosedive as she moseys on down to her new English class.

Blake has all the kids gathered around to witness his first hairs of manhood--literally. Three blond chest hairs.

Slightly less disturbing than when Steve from American Dad! proclaimed his "manhood" by showing off his single red pube.

I'm unsure if Carl is secretly jealous or just being a little turd, because he fake-pukes via a box of apple juice (I personally would have gone with a peanut butter and orange smoothie as the fake puke, but that's just me). He gets really pissed with "The Big Guy upstairs" for inflating Blake's ego even further. Carl decides he wants to be the big shot for once, so he intends to ride on Ginger's solid reputation to make a name for himself at the junior high. Unfortunately, Carl's plan is shattered by our good friend Principal Milty, who is totally onto Carl and whatever pranks he has up his sleeve. He tells Carl he is no longer going to be a shitty example of school authority like he was in the past, and plans on rectifying this by personally going to all of Carl's new teachers and ripping Carl a new asshole right in front of them. Jeez, that's harsh. I understand he just wants to warn the teachers about what Carl is capable of, but this is just going too far. Give the kid a chance to redeem himself!

Ginger pops into her new class, and it's apparent that Ms. Zorski hadn't transferred to the high school. This is Ms. Zorski's crusty cousin. Ginger still thinks the "real" Ms. Zorski is around somewhere, but as she talks to the new Zorski, she slowly realizes that her fluffy high school dream is, indeed, a nightmare. No easy scheduling. No familiar faces. No sweetheart Zorski.

The new Zorski realizes that Ginger was a former student of her cousin, and gives a short speech about how she's nothing like her cousin, so Ginger better step it up several notches if she's even going to be considered for a passing grade in her class.

Ooh, damn! She reminds me so much of a history teacher I had in 7th and 8th grade, Ms. Fassett. Like Ms. Fassett, the new Zorski looks like the kind of tyrant who would slam the door shut upon walking into the classroom and bark at students to take out their notebooks. I wonder if Zorski would also threaten to "kill" us if we looked up definitions in the back of the textbook... Yeah, I probably should have reported her to the principal years ago.

Carl happens to have the old Ms. Zorski as one of his teachers. He goes up to her and tries to sell her his good side (using the success of Ginger as part of his plan), but Milty has already gotten to her, so Ms. Zorski isn't buying the "new" Carl.

The kicker is that she knows about an incident where Carl did something horrible to a remedial math class, but because it's a noodle incident, a trope where an incident is talked about but never fully explained or shown, we don't know what exactly Carl did that was so horrible.

Ginger quickly becomes overwhelmed to the brink with assignments on top of assignments. On the surface, her workload doesn't seem that bad. Project proposals, papers, and overnight assignments? Sounds like a typical workload to me. But apparently, the junior high school didn't prepare Ginger or anyone else at all for the challenges of high school. Isn't that what junior high school is supposed to do? Ha! Ginger hides away in a stall to collect the pieces of her fracturing sanity, and overhears a conversation between two girls (one of whom was the girl at the beginning of the episode) talking about how a coffee, the Mocoloco Frothinator, kept them from crashing and falling behind on their work. When they leave, Ginger jots down the name of the coffee on her hand. I don't like how this is going.

So, what is this "Mocoloco Frothinator" shite anyway? In a clever segue, Higsby shows Carl and Hoodsey the commercial for the coffee on his new TV watch (predecessor to the Apple watch?), and apparently, it's so fantastic, it'll make you want to rip your clothes off and scream "Mocoloco Frothinator!" into the air in front of thirty strangers.

I can see Starbucks having a monopoly on a drink like this.

With my extremely limited knowledge of Spanish (and the help of Google translate), "moco" means "mucus" and "loco" is a slang term for "crazy." Crazy Mucus Frothinator? The hell? I would speculate that it's a coffee designed to combat the common cold, but it doesn't look like the woman in the commercial needs a Vitamin C boost.

Carl is still down in the dumps about his teachers' knowledge of his former naughty shell. Blake isn't making things easier because he just loves to rub Carl's misfortunes in his face like a bad dog who just took a steaming shit on the carpet. Blake can be such a little ass--he's like Ginger's Miranda. Carl tells Blake to go stroke his chest hairs, but Blake laughs in his face, speculating that Carl is only trying to ride the "good boy" wagon so that his teachers will let their guard down just enough for Carl to deliver some quality mischief. Carl calls Blake out on this, and proclaims he can change permanently... starting now.

...or after he scrapes off those mashed potatoes off the wall.

Carl goes to his science teacher, Mr. Briggs, to proclaim his goodness, but he just tells him to stay out of his way, and there'll be no problems. For once, Carl might actually have a hook on one of his teachers, but that's about to be tested when Mr. Briggs accidentally leaves a forbidden science cabinet open and exposed to the elements. Carl is tempted--so tempted, like a former alcoholic going to an open bar wedding.

Alas, the temptation for curiosity breaks him. He cannot find the will to close the freezer and walk away. Instead, he opens the door further and uncaps some fuzzy green thing in a petri dish--meanwhile Mr. Briggs is watching the whole thing from the door window, as if he had purposely set Carl up. What a dick!

Mr. Briggs then delivers the most cartoonishly-forced exposition I have ever seen from this show. He proclaims that he is taking revenge on Carl because his daughter was in that aforementioned remedial math class (the noodle incident), and I guess she was affected the most or something. You know, writers, there could have been a more clever way to explain Mr. Briggs's revenge without him having to outright tell the invisible audience why he's tempting Carl. You know that whole "show, don't tell" spiel that writers tell other writers? One clever way would be to have his daughter come up to him in the hallway all bandaged up or with some kind of disability/deformation and ask him to walk her to her new remedial math class. Then Mr. Briggs will look into the door window and mutter something about how Carl deserves whatever is coming to him. It's not a perfect alternative, but it'll shout the same message much better.

If you want to execute a noodle incident fabulously, consider how they do it in other shows. Take Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show, for instance. Remember how at the beginning of the movie, we're shown images of a scam gone awry, and there are hints as to what the Eds might have done to piss off the cul-de-sac kids to the point where they wanted to kill them, but it's never exclusively mentioned what the scam was or how it screwed up? And then you have the Eds fleeing the cul-de-sac, especially Double D, who is so distraught over what happened that he nearly breaks character? That's how you do a noodle incident. Look up that movie, or at least the first ten minutes, to see what I mean. Not to mention, the build-up of tension is incredible. I would have never imagined that level of quality for visual storytelling to ever appear in a slapstick show like Ed, Edd n Eddy. Actually, here, take a look for yourselves:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7ih620eecc

The next morning, Ginger heads over to Starbucks and tries to play it cool when ordering her first Mocoloco Frothinator. It's kind of an awkward moment when Ginger tries to order a shot of espresso with it over the sound of the machines, the barista says it's too intense for first-timers, and right as the machines stop making noise, Ginger shouts, "I'm a really intense girl!" Heh-heh. So, she forks over the $5 and change, and walks out. And then--it happens.

Her pupils constrict to borderline unhealthy levels, and everything becomes a blur--literally.

To be honest, I think Ginger might have bought the Mocoloco Frothinator after school, because as soon as she gets home, she's as hyper as a two-year-old who hasn't had a nap yet. The effects would have worn off by now if she had bought it before school. She clears off the table--before Lois and Carl have even eaten yet--throws the food in the sink, and starts talking super fast and high-pitched that I have to rewind and watch again just to catch everything she's saying. And then she runs out of the kitchen to go do her homework upstairs. Holy shit, what's in that coffee? Crack?!

Somehow, Ginger must have snuck out to buy more Mocoloco Frothinators, because there's a pile of them under her feet in her room, and several neat rows of papers on her bedroom floor that reminds me of a similar-looking scene from Catch Me If You Can where Leo DiCaprio's character forges several millions of dollars worth of checks. 

I suppose that explains Ginger's hyperactivity. Except, I highly doubt Ginger's doing this to forge her way into various high-level professions.

Anyway, Ginger finishes her homework with lightning speed after midnight, and crashes on her bed. She doesn't even take her shoes off! One thing I've noticed in a lot of cartoons and live-action shows is that you very rarely see someone walking around in their socks, or even bare-footed inside their house. What is up with that? And even worse, people will put their dirty shoes on someone's bedspread, or worse--their pillow. Yeesh! I mean, I know in live-action shows the character rarely sleeps on-screen, and they probably only use those shoes for that scene, but it's just so gross to me. Take off your shoes!

Yeah, I know I've been neglecting the elephant in the room here, but is it actually necessary for me to mention that Ginger's Mocoloco Frothinator habit is being portrayed as a straight-up crack addiction? I know that an overload of caffeine is bound to make even a zombie jolt around like a dying fish, but this sudden burst of energy and crashing just seems a tad unrealistic to me. My mom drinks coffee all day long, no fewer than three cups a day, and yet she's not bouncing off the walls like Ginger is. I'm wondering if this is supposed to be a metaphor for how quickly a drug can take over your life. But I must wonder: is everyone else who drinks the Mocoloco Frothinator seasoned coffee veterans who are able to control the proper amount to drink? Like the girls in the bathroom, for instance. They don't seem as high-strung as Ginger.

I think it would be interesting to see how other characters would fare with a caffeine addiction. Like Macie. Or, no.. HIGSBY. Hyper kid meets caffeine. Ooh! I'll grab the popcorn!

One more thing--with the amount of homework Ginger has, how is anyone, let alone a Ginger the new coffee addict, supposed to complete it all on time? Someone with no extra responsibilities or extracurriculars should not need several sleepless hours to complete one night of homework. I am concerned for the other students who have after-school clubs and sports. How do they get all their work done on time? What's going on over there at Lucky High?

The next morning, Lois struggles to make a cup o' joe out of her broken coffeepot, and nearly has a heart attack when Ginger shuffles into the kitchen. Lois tells her it's after ten in the morning, and Ginger breaks down in hysterics for oversleeping, fearing the wrath of the "evil new Zorski" and her I-don't-like-screw-up-children mentality.

Ginger begs Lois to write her a sick note, but Lois refuses for ethical reasons. And that's when Ginger starts digging her own grave.

Honestly, if a teacher is causing you that much distress, you need to speak with them--or your guidance counselor. And if that doesn't work, asking the principal to fire them might work... hopefully. Hey, it's worth a try! Damn, I really wish I could have told someone higher in authority about Ms. Fassett's behavior years ago. It's not normal to fear for your own safety when your teacher walks into class.

Back at the junior high school (it's weird saying that with Carl in context), Mr. Briggs's plan to scare the shit out of Carl works flawlessly as he wryly mentions to the class that he "accidentally" left the science lab freezer open, leaving the specimen in the petri dish exposed to the air. This specimen happens to be very "deadly," and "infectious," and Mr. Briggs really hammers this point in. No, more like he shoves it down Carl's throat specifically. Everyone in the class totally believes him, despite the fact that Mr. Briggs's tone is strictly malicious, and not concerning in any way. Basically, he indirectly says that Carl has an incurable "disease" for opening the petri dish, exposing the virus inside, and is going to die in the next two days. And with that, Carl is deeply regretting every wrong he's ever made in his life.

All right, where is security? This bastard needs to be fired immediately, and forbidden from obtaining any teaching job for the rest of his life.

The only way this scenario could be worse is if the specimen in the freezer actually was deadly. Mr. Briggs would be a murderer.

Does anyone else find it twisted that Blake knows it was Carl who exposed himself to the virus, but doesn't give two shits that he's about to die?

You know, no sane school would allow their science department to hold an incurable virus--let alone in a flimsy container that could easily be exposed to others. I know the students probably don't think it's illegal, but what if someone ran to Milty and told him what was happening? Ah, it's Milty. He'd just barricade himself in his office and let the virus kill off all the students.

Ginger goes to Dodie and Macie for advice on how to deal with Evil New Zorski (I think I'll refer to her in that regard from now on). Dodie and Macie notice Ginger is abnormally high-strung, and suspect that her new coffee habit has something to do with it. Dodie drops it in the trash, but Ginger actually makes a dive for it. Pathetic!

Carl proclaims that he's going to make the "last" 48 hours of his life count.

Ginger sheepishly walks into Evil New Zorski's room after class let out and hands her last night's homework and a silly excuse about how she's taking iron. Evil New Zorski doesn't take Ginger's shit at all, and gets all sassy with her. She refuses to accept late homework, lame excuses, and lazy freshman chicken scratch handwriting. But I suppose since Ginger sincerely looks apologetic, Evil New Zorski pushes a do-over assignment in Ginger's direction. To add more weight to the mountain of stress Ginger is under, she tells Ginger that they're having an exam on the material covered in class--material that Ginger wasn't able to obtain since she was out cold. How is she supposed to study from material she doesn't have? I highly doubt she knows anyone in her class to borrow their notes.

In the nurse's lounge, a familiar nurse, Nurse Betty, tells Lois about her next-door neighbor and how she's oblivious to her kids fucking themselves up. This prompts Lois to realize that she's oblivious to Ginger's coffee addiction, and runs home to fix it. Boy, that was fast.

Carl launches into a melodramatic goodbye speech to Higsby as they walk home from school. And then he gives him a hug, something I really wish I didn't have to see.

Does this mean Carl and Higsby are officially  friends?

Hoodsey's like, "Slow down on all the brotherly love, Casanova," but Carl's clouded mind doesn't make him see how his imminent death is making him delusional. Must be a placebo effect. Also, I may know nothing about pathology, but doesn't Carl notice that he neither feels nor looks ill in any way, shape, or form (except for the fact that he's hugging Higsby, but we'll come back to that)? If this disease was so deadly, you'd think Carl (and Higsby) would notice they'd come with deadly symptoms. Now, you many think Carl's sudden admiration for Higsby is a sufficient symptom, but I'm being serious. Kids are not naturally hypochondriacs--if they feel just fine, they won't think something is wrong with them. I wonder why no one questioned if Mr. Briggs was just screwing with them.

Lois seeks out Dodie and Macie to find Ginger, and they spot her walking out of Starbucks with six grande Mocoloco Frothinators.

Baristas should be like bartenders--they should cut people off when they've had too much to drink. This stuff could kill Ginger if she's not careful. Not that it's ever mentioned--implicitly or explicitly--Ginger tries to explain how she desperately needs the Mocolocos to complete her schoolwork so she can pass and get into college, but Lois isn't convinced.

You know, Ginger's stress most likely isn't academic-related. I think she's using school as the catalyst for her stress. Going deeper, it seems like Ginger is actually worried about being successful in the future, on a grander scale. Not even academically. High school became too much to handle, and now Ginger can't handle life in general without chugging down caffeine. It's just the way she paces back and forth that makes me think she's worried about much more than just school is what I'm trying to get at here.

Announcing the two greatest quotes ever to come out of Lois's wise mind... and As Told by Ginger:

"If our 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all have a very Merry Christmas!"

"I want you in bed early tonight. And you don't don't have to worry about oversleeping; you just got yourself a brand-new alarm clock. The name's Lois."

Mother of the century.

As Lois tosses the Mocoloco Frothinators into the garbage, Macie explains to Ginger that what Ginger thought was a solution to her stress is actually making it worse. Even Dodie is right when she says the Mocoloco is controlling her. Dodie--of all people. You know Ginger screwed up big time when Dodie actually says something helpful.

Okay, Carl has officially lost his marbles. He just called Joann a "wonderful mother" and "doting wife" with "two beautiful children." HAHAHAHA! Okay, I redact what I had said earlier about Carl suffering from a placebo effect. Carl is most definitely sick. No blood tests or CAT scans are necessary. Surprisingly, Joann is quite neutral to this "new" Carl. It's as if she's going to miss the old days like when he nearly killed her with rotten clams on the Bishops' trip to Loon Lake.

Hoodsey is completely astonished by Carl's 180 degree personality shift. But you know what? This is proof that Carl is a good kid deep down. Truly wild kids would spend their last moments alive driving around on a flaming golf cart down the highway while chasing after a herd of deer. Oh, come on. Don't act like you wouldn't prefer to see Carl do that instead of his lovefest with everyone in Sheltered Shrubs.

And Hoodsey, I think, admitted to either masturbating in his bed, or pissing it on a nightly basis when he offers his racecar bed to Carl in the event of his own premature death.

Doctor Dave joins the Foutleys for dinner and wonders if Lois is being hypocritical by saying Ginger shouldn't drink coffee when Lois herself has 3 cups a day. Lois gives the excuse that she's an adult, which I think is supposed to be interpreted as Lois being old enough to make her own decision, but that's not how it sounded to Doctor Dave. But Lois agrees that Doctor Dave is right. And so, Ginger offscreen agrees to kick her Mocoloco Frothinator addiction in the ass.

Somehow, the conversation segues into Carl nonchalantly admitting his supposed death in hours to come. He explains the whole story to Lois and Doctor Dave, who are so furious that they (well, mostly Lois) is going to go down to the junior high school and snap Mr. Briggs's neck for telling Carl he was going to die.

The next morning, Lois goes up to Ginger's room and tells her that she's open for communication if Ginger' ever under stress. I thought that was painfully obvious, considering the close relationship Ginger has with Lois.

I'm genuinely surprised Lois doesn't offer any practical solutions for Ginger to combat her stress--or Evil New Zorski. It really downplays the entire episode, like there's a huge chunk of it missing. I thought this show was supposed to offer solutions to problems. The solution here cannot be to just talk to your parents. What if they don't know what to do, either? Come on, writers, at least show Ginger creating an agenda book or something--anything that has a solution for why Ginger felt she needed the caffeine in the first place. Such a good episode with excellent potential. What a wasted opportunity!

Through Ginger's voice over, she wonders whether Evil New Zorski expecting the worst of Ginger brought out the worst in her, and if it's possible to succeed if everyone expects her to fail. That's a sign of insecurity, Ginger. A fear that you're not living up to your own expectations of yourself. Seriously, this episode doesn't feel complete unless Ginger has a solution to her stress. There is no ending here! She's not doing any better at the end of the episode than at the beginning.

I feel like this whole episode was just anti-coffee/anti ritalin, and nothing else. Not only that, but this episode barely skimmed the surface of the dangerous effects of caffeine addiction. Being high-strung and narcoleptic are seen as the worst of the effects? Really? What about the messed-up sleep cycles? Slipping into a coma? Death? I know this is a kids show, but it just feels like we're being cheated out of a drug episode that doesn't explain the real dangers of the drug. It's like having an episode where someone's addicted to alcohol, and the most you show of its destructive nature is of someone getting drunk and waking up the next morning confused and with a penis drawn on their face with a Sharpie. To many kids, that'll just make alcohol even more enticing.

Maybe we should just leave the drug episodes to medical dramas. Or PSA commercials. And now I'm thinking of that 80s PSA with Pee Wee Herman telling us not to do crack. Yes. This episode and that PSA kind of get the same reaction out of me.




Lessons Learned From This Episode: too much coffee is bad, mmkay? Why, oh, you don't need to know the truly dangerous reasons. Just don't drink it; don't piss off a teacher who is afflicted with Schadenfreude; talking to your parents is the perfect solution to every problem.