Season 3, Episode 45: "The Easter Ham"

A whole episode dedicated to the psychotic meltdowns of Joann and Dodie Bishop? And I get to bash them all I want? This isn't Easter... it's Christmas!

Whoa, whoa, wait. Ginger actually made up with these stooges?! Holy circus balls--either Dodie is a secret God-level manipulator to form the exact words to make up with Ginger, or Ginger is the biggest pushover to have ever been pushed out into this world. My goodness, I was really hoping this episode would open with Ginger and Courtney exchanging friendship bracelets while behind them, Dodie, Macie, Mipsy, and Miranda are hauled off in the back of a truck heading to the Cuckoo Cedars Mental Asylum.

Whatever, man. Friends forever. I get it, Nickelodeon. Anyway, the trio talks about an upcoming episode of some shitty soap opera while they wait for Darren to haul his ass out of class to walk them to Ginger's house. Dodie starts complaining that they're going to miss the show, and for some reason she thinks this is a good idea after she begged for Ginger's forgiveness and acceptance of Darren being part of the group he was already a part of. You know, for the last 44 episodes. Unbelievable.

Ginger tells Dodie straight up that if she doesn't want to wait, to go on without her, but of course Dodie wouldn't dream of cutting the cord between her and her precious Ginger, even for five minutes.

Courtney calls Ginger over and tells her that the birthday party Ginger is planning for Darren is a buzz around Lucky Junior High, and that everyone will be there. She (and Miranda) put a large amount of pressure on Ginger to make sure this party is totally groovy, and then Courtney makes Miranda say goodbye to Ginger as she's training her to be nicer. Ha! Courtney offers Ginger a ride home, but naturally turns down the offer. And then Courtney and Miranda drive away. Freaking Dodie looks like a puppy trying to restrain herself from chasing after a giant sausage.

So, Darren finally arrives, and they go home.

Okay, so, what's the "good little boy" trying to do this time?

Oh, I see. It's another one of Carl's money-making ideas. Hoodsey is totally repulsed by Higsby's candy-coated singing, but all Carl can hear is the sound of his bank account filling with sweet, sweet money. Despite the fact that Higsby's over-the-top performance is raking in some killer lunch money, Hoodsey tells him to tone it down several notches. But Higsby ain't having it. It's either flamboyant, embarrassing dances, or nothing. So, he quits. Well, I give him points for having dignity.

After they finish watching their soap opera, they have a discussion about the show and how screwed up it was for Lucinda to jump out of a window.

"People on soap operas have very slow reaction times." - Macie

And then Ginger kicks Darren out so the trio can continue planning his party. What's the use? He's just going to climb through Ginger's window and sneak a peek at the plans when Ginger isn't looking. Anyway, Dodie nearly has a heart attack over the fact that the popular kids will be in the same house as her for hours (willingly). And then they discuss party favors. And bunny poop. And that conversation transitions to Hoodsey in a bunny suit doing Higsby's job. Oh, God. I actually prefer Higsby to this train wreck.

Sometime later, Lois takes the girls grocery shopping for the party. She turns around for one second to look at 30% off Rice-a-Roni or some crap, and Carl rolls the cart down the aisle while talking to Hoodsey on his walkie-talkie, who is only a few feet away from him. He ends up slamming into Joann's cart, and the boys have a big, jolly laugh about it.

Lois apologizes to Joann, and then heads for the lone ham sitting in the refrigerator. Oh, but look--Joann's trying to nab it as well. Oh, the hilarity! I love this trope--my favorite version is the episode of Dexter's Laboratory when Dexter's mom gets into a fight with another housewife at the supermarket over the last pair of latex gloves. I think it's called "Mom's Rival." They actually showed blood, too. Well, it was a tiny drop, but still--blood from violence on a kids' show. This trope also reminds me of that recent viral video of the two trashy women wrestling in a Wal-Mart. Except Lois and Joann actually have the decency not to tell their sons to punch each other's mothers.

Suddenly, Joann starts complaining of a pain in her arm and that she can't breathe. Lois calls Joann out on faking a heart attack over a damn ham, but it turns out her symptoms are real because Joann collapses to the floor.

Joann is taken to the hospital immediately. There, Lois and the kids await the news. Doctor Dave comes out and pulls Lois aside. He says Joann will be okay, but she may have some kind of heart problem that he wants to explore further. So, he tells Lois that Joann will need to avoid stress as much as possible. Wait, why is he telling this to Lois? Where's Mr. Bishop? He should be there to take this news. I'm going to assume he's on his way, but for the sake of television, it's strange that he wasn't there. Or, maybe Mr. Bishop just doesn't give a shit.

Lois tells Doctor Dave that it's impossible for Joann to avoid stress because she is stress, and then Joann walks out of her hospital room (presumably having heard their entire conversation) and tells Lois that she's going to eliminate stress by eliminating the cause of it: she forbids the Bishops from having any contact with the Foutleys. Everyone's like, "What the hell?!" But Joann is serious, as she's a "poor, dying woman." Give me a break. You're not dying. If you were, you certainly wouldn't have the energy to physically pull Dodie and Hoodsey away from the Foutleys.

Like mother, like daughter. Self-victimizing drama queens.

So now, Ginger has a dilemma. Since Dodie is banned from having contact with Ginger, she's obviously banned from Darren's birthday party (since Darren is part of the Foutleys, I guess because he and Ginger are dating. I don't know). And now Ginger can't decide whether to cancel Darren's party or throw it without her.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. After all the shit Dodie has put you through, after all the begging and pleading Dodie had to do to get you to accept her back as a friend, are you seriously telling me that you can't throw a party for your boyfriend because DODIE WON'T BE THERE? Nevermind the fact that it's Dodie. If you were throwing a party for anyone, you would consider canceling it because one person (besides the person you're throwing the party for) isn't going to be there?!

No. We are not doing this. This is not up for discussion.

Carl contacts Hoodsey despite Joann's ban (when has he ever followed the rules?) and tells Hoodsey to sneak out and meet him at the doghouse tomorrow morning to make more baskets. Hoodsey is too much of a chicken shit to risk being caught by Joann, who is 100% embellishing the severity of her heart condition. Carl tries to convince him otherwise, but it's no use.

You know, Hoodsey being a momma's boy isn't a new realization. It's just that this scene (especially when Hoodsey shakes the batteries out of the walkie-talkie) really shows how much control Joann has over her son. Dodie, too, but it's much more severe in Hoodsey's case. The problem is just how tightly wound Joann has Hoodsey wrapped around her finger. Hoodsey never feels rebellious. He never wants to challenge Joann's authority no matter how ridiculous her rules are.

Remember in "Lunatic Lake" when Hoodsey asked Joann if Carl could come on the trip, and when she said no, he asked his father instead? He knows his dad will say yes, so he used his father's approval of Carl to get Joann to (regrettably) approve of him coming along. Now, I'm not saying that Hoodsey has to be a little rebellious thug and defy the rules, but it's not normal for him to not even want to sneak out. I mean, if Hoodsey was like, "I really wish I could, Carl, but my mom would kill me" or even, "My mom is being totally ridiculous. I wish I can convince her otherwise," then I can understand. Instead, he robotically takes Joann's orders without question, even going so far as voluntarily cutting contact with Carl.

It's not normal behavior. I fear the effect Joann has on her kids. They're not going to grow up as well-adjusted adults.

Macie comes over to Dodie's house to tell her that Ginger isn't going to cancel the party after all (hallelujah, the girl has brains!), and then Dodie freaks out. Like, "How could she possibly have a party without ME?!" Macie tells her that it is Darren's party after all, and you'd think Dodie would think for a second and say, "You know, Ginger's right." But this is a Bishop spawn we're talking about. No sense is found, except in the case of Mr. Bishop.

Come on--we all know Dodie only wants to go to that party to rub up against the popular kids. Literally, Do you think she honestly cares it's Darren's birthday?

If Dodie was normal, I could understand she'd be upset about not being allowed to go to her friend's birthday party, but we all know Dodie's hidden agenda. She tries to hide it by making it about "friendship," and tells Macie to tell Ginger that if she's still willing to be friends with Dodie, she will cancel the party. Fuck you, Dodie.

While Hoodsey waits on his drama queen mother hand-and-foot, the doorbell rings. He answers it, and it's Carl dressed in a mustachioed disguise. It actually suits him quite well.

Again, Carl tries to bust Hoodsey out of the house, but Hoodsey's umbilical cord is still firmly attached to Joann. It's really sad that Hoodsey is fully-convinced that Joann's heart problems are wholly caused by Carl. Joann has brainwashed him. Joann makes herself stressed--sure, Carl may be a nuisance but if one ten-year-old kid can cause so much distress to one woman, then the problem is mental, not physical. And neither Joann, Carl, nor Hoodsey see this. I guess that's why it's so easy for Hoodsey to just decide to end a several year-long friendship with Carl. Oh, my God. Am I going to have to add Hoodsey to my list of characters I hate to this show? I thought Ginger had no backbone, like in "Cry Wolf," but this? This is pathetic.

It's like a broken relationship, and Hoodsey wasn't committed to it as much as Carl was. I don't think Carl was really Hoodsey's friend in the first place.

Man, 45 episodes in, and I'm starting to think this entire show is The Twilight Zone of Nickelodeon. It's supposed to mimic real-life drama, but all I've uncovered is false friendships and undiscovered mental disorders in the entire cast. As Told By Ginger is a cutesy show on the outside, but looking deep, there's something severely wrong with everybody.

Higsby passes by Carl to rub his new Easter basket-delivering business in his face, but Carl tells him to fuck off.

Ginger calls Courtney for an unbiased opinion because she's still up in the air about whether to cancel the party. Courtney doesn't beat around the bush for one second to tell Ginger that if she cancels the party because Dodie can't come, she's an idiot.

But Ginger's all like, "But I'll feel so disloyal," and then Courtney says, "This is Darren's party. You shouldn't put your over-dramatic friend's feelings over your doting boyfriend's." And that is absolutely true. See, Courtney may be a snob, she may be mean sometimes, but she is--without a doubt--the smartest character on the show next to Lois. And I can't help but to transcribe these fabulous next lines:

Ginger: But it feels like a stab at Dodie.
Courtney: Dodie's a big girl. And she stabbed you in the back once before, if my memory serves.
Ginger: I guess.

It's funny how Courtney says that Dodie is a "big girl," as if she realizes Dodie has the mental stability to handle being ignored and/or shunned by Ginger. Dodie won't understand. And Ginger constantly kowtowing to Dodie to make her happy all the time isn't helping. Like I said: Dodie needs psychological help. And I think Ginger might too if her traitor, backstabbing best friend not being able to attend her boyfriend's party is considered a "disaster." God damn it. I can't. I seriously can't with this episode.

Dodie waits for Darren in the park so she can ask him to ask Ginger to cancel the party. Why am I not fucking surprised?! Clearly, Darren is insulted (as he should be!) and says that Ginger already feels like shit that her bitch ass won't be there, but Dodie doesn't care. She craves the schlong of popularity so bad that if she can't have it, no one can. This is how psychos are made, people. Darren tries to be understanding of how Dodie feels, and tries his damned best to lay down the logic of why canceling the party is absurd as all hell, but cannot--for the life of him--hold back anymore. Dodie says that since he and Ginger started dating, Ginger doesn't care about her anymore. If she doesn't care about you, Dodie, why is she so conflicted--ugh, no. I'm not doing this anymore.

Anyway, Darren calls Dodie out on her bullshit, and the truth literally leaves her speechless, for about three seconds.

That's the face of a selfish bitch unable to handle the truth.

And then Dodie rides off, crying her signature, annoying "ooh-ee-ooh" until she's off-camera.

You did well, Darren. You could have thrown a little more edge into that truth serum, but you delivered, and that's all that matters.

Carl enlists Lois as the new bunny dancer, but Lois ends up quitting when Doctor Dave shows up with Joann's test results: an espohageal (hiatal) hernia. In other words, her heart is just fine. In the physical sense, anyway. So, Lois has Doctor Dave rush over to the Bishops' to give Joann some truth serum of her own and end this family feud. Mwahaha!

On his bike ride home, Darren runs into Higsby, who gives him an idea for some reason. He rushes over to Ginger's house and announces that, like Higsby starting his own Easter singing business by doing it himself, Darren suggests that they should be the ones to get Dodie to the party. What? No!!! They're rewarding Dodie's behavior by sneaking her out and giving her what she wants! NO!!

Just look! Look at how pathetic Dodie is that she will never become popular now!

Dodie's a "big girl," huh, Courtney?

Lois and Doctor Dave go give Joann the news, and she's "relieved." Pshh. She may be relieved it's nothing serious, but she's pissed that she now doesn't have an excuse to keep her kids away from the Foutleys. Though it would be for the better if she did. Lois apologizes for causing any kind of stress for Joann, and hopes she could end the feud since it's technically not fair to the kids. So, Joann agrees. And Dodie's allowed back at the party.  Everyone's happy. Woo.

Woo, Dodie gets to go to the party and gets undeserved attention. What else is new?

Woo, Joann and Lois make up as if nothing was ever between them. Woo for being fake.


Seriously, fuck this episode.



Lessons Learned From This Episode: With enough bitching and crying and moaning, you can get whatever you want; friends support friends and never leave them no matter how badly they screw you over; I hate this episode