Season 2, Episode 37: "No Hope For Courtney"

Aww, shucks. This episode. For those of you who have seen this one, brace for emotional impact. For those of you who haven't, I won't leak any spoilers, but I must warn you that this episode will tug at your fragile kitten soul.

As Courtney and her plastic posse... or clone crew? Bitch brigade? Yeah, I like that one. Courtney and her bitch brigade talk about second base or whatever in the bathroom and are in the way of some poor girl trying to get a paper towel to dry her hands. Oh, God, I know that feeling. People are always in the way. A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to make a deposit at an ATM in town when these three girls just loom right in front of it as I was walking up to it, and start yammering on about who-freaking-cares, and then they look at me and go, "Did you need to use the ATM?" No, I enjoy standing behind total strangers in a tiny ass room with checks in my hand and a full bladder. So, I feel ya, quiet girl.

To be honest, there was room to walk around Courtney to get to the paper towels.

The girl, in the midst of pointing to the paper towels that's just out of reach, accidentally gets Courtney's sleeve wet, and Courtney loses it. It's water. Fucking water. Get a grip, Gripling. When the girl tries to explain, Courtney's like, "I'm sorry, did you say something, Faith?" Ugh. Courtney, I love you, girl, but sometimes you really can be a bitch. Right as the bitch brigade leaves, Courtney takes her balled-up paper towel she used to sop up the water and flicks it behind her, and then Faith runs to the corner and cries. Really? Really? That might have been embarrassing at the most, but is your soul that fragile that you break down over being ignored?

Ginger, Dodie, and Macie then come into the bathroom and start telling a story about Courtney (my God, does anyone ever talk about anyone else in this show?!) when they notice Faith crying. They try to make her feel better by giving her social advice (Dodie actually gives fashion advice! I'm dying!), and then Faith reveals that her name is actually Hope.

Carl's class waits anxiously for Mrs. Gordon to show up and start teaching polynomials or Abraham Lincoln or whatever the hell elementary school kids learn about. Eight minutes in, the groovy, soulful hepcat of a jazz teacher, Mr. Hepper, comes in to announce that Mrs. Gordon has abruptly retired, the main reason being that she's sick and tired of Carl's anal-clenching pranks:

Ginger, Dodie, and Macie compile a list of tips to help Hope become more popular. What? How does Hope expect to become popular when she gets advice from three unpopular girls? This reminds me of that episode of Lizzie McGuire when Kate falls off her cheerleader pyramid and busts her shoulder, instantly becoming unpopular, And then Lizzie, Miranda, and Gordo teach Kate some flips and stuff to help her get back on the squad to become popular again. If both groups know how to become popular, why aren't they?! It's not that difficult to spot the error here, writers.

I think Hoodsey sums up the issue quite nicely when Mr. Hepper asks them why he and Carl look downer than a basset hound in the dumps: "Carl's upset because he drove Mrs. Gordon to an early retirement. His harmless pranks and blatant disrespect were intended to drive her crazy, not drive her away. Dig?"

Mr. Hepper's like, "I dig," then launches into an anecdote about a time one of his old band members flaked out to perform solo, but if that never happened, he wouldn't have become a jazz teacher. Carl misunderstands this as if the band got back together, they would have went on to fame and fortune. And that gives Carl the idea to get Mrs. Gordon to come back. He totally missed the point, but at least he's doing something about it.

Hope comes to school the next day, having absorbed all of the trio's tips, and shows off her new makeover. She makes an insulting joke to Courtney after Courtney compliments her hair and calls her the wrong name deliberately. Need some ice for that sick burn?

And then we lose all hope in Hope (pun!pun!pun!pun!) being a decent popular girl when she uses her sudden popularity to justify not sitting with the only three girls who were ever nice to her. Bitch. And then that creepy faux-French kid, Jean-Pierre, offers to sit with her. Ick.

Really, she doesn't even look that different. She got a haircut and is wearing skimpier clothes.

I don't know, you guys. I mean, I was never popular in school, but I'm pretty sure it takes more than a little makeover to gain friends. Like, you can be the most gorgeous person in school, but if you don't have confidence or social skills, you're not going to have friends. Ah, who am I kidding? In the Nickelodeon world, getting a makeover = instant acceptance. Oh, and being blonde helps, too. I'm surprised she didn't have glasses; she could have taken them off and BAM, instantly gorgeous.

Meanwhile, Courtney is growing super jealous of Hope moving in on her territory. Nobody wants to hang out with Courtney anymore because she's no longer the queen bee. Courtney feels so threatened that she actually asks Ginger to tell Jean-Pierre that Hope has 6 toes in hopes that he'll be grossed out and forget her. Honestly, she could tell Jean-Pierre that Hope has a penis and he'll still be dry-humping her. Since Courtney is losing her power fast, she forbids Dodie and Macie from even acknowledging Hope's existence from now on. Damn. I knew popularity was a thing in school, but holy hell, Courtney, if you consider it a "business" as if that's all you have to fall back on, you're going to need some serious, expensive therapy in the very near future.

Carl and Hoodsey come to school sporting some fancy threads and a cordial attitude, hoping that Mr. Hepper will tell Mrs. Gordon about the boys' "reform" and will be so impressed that she'll come back.

Mr. Hepper mentions that they can tell her themselves since she's coming by on Thursday to pick up the rest of her stuff. And thus, they plan their next move.

Hope and Courtney have a bitch-off to see who can insult the other more. Courtney apparently gets Hope good when she points out that her natural hair color is coming through (oooh, call the National Enquirer!) but Hope blows Courtney out of the water implying that Courtney's parents pay off her teachers to give her good grades (I've heard of this happening in real life with rich kids). Courtney is so in shock that she cannot speak, either because she didn't think Hope was capable of coming up with something like that, or that it's actually true and Courtney doesn't know how to respond. I'm leaning towards the latter.

My God. I know Courtney can be a bitch sometimes, but Hope is just taking this way too far. Yeah, Courtney was mean to her, but Hope is just taking this all the way to Hell and back. It's like she thinks she's better than Courtney just because she's smart and can come up with better backlashes. And then Hope walks off with her new friends, Miranda included. What a sheep. Seconds later, Courtney explodes at Ginger like an atomic bomb for ruining her life.

"How dare you?! You've ruined my life by siding with that...that--" - Courtney
"Conniving vixen." - Macie
"Conniving vixen! Thank you." - Courtney
"Welcome." - Macie

Courtney declares that she now needs a new best friend, so, logically she chooses Mac--DODIE?!?!?

I learned how to make and upload a GIF of this scene for THIS. EXACT. MOMENT, people. I did this for YOU. My words could not possibly describe the girlish giggles and noxious sounds emanating from this she-beast. You know what they say: A GIF is worth 1,000 words.

And then Dodie is dragged away into Courtney's world without a second thought. Holy crap, you guys. I cannot believe I forgot about this crucial element of the episode. I am ashamed.

Carl and Hoodsey find Mrs. Gordon packing up her things in the classroom, and use this window of time to convince her to come back. She absolutely refuses, saying that even if the boys did change for the better, they changed without her guidance, so there's no reason for her to stay. Sorry, boys.

Courtney Gripling has officially snapped. Okay, she officially snapped when she recruited Dodie as her new BFF but, just look at her: crunchy hair, sweats... this girl is spiraling hard and fast into insanity.

For someone who still cares deeply about fashion and trends, she sure doesn't dress the part anymore. I suppose this dowdy version of Courtney is supposed to be symbolic of her mental breakdown, so it does make sense, but, holy cow in a cornfield, this girl is beyond obsessed. Just look at the way she observes Hope, trying to figure out if her black shoes match her blue eyeliner... it's madness, madness I say! Ginger decides that it's just not right for Courtney to be ostracized, so she decides to try to fix things herself. She goes over to the popular table to ask Hope to invite Courtney to sit with them. She agrees, but only as a favor to Ginger. But this plan backfires, as Courtney believes that sitting with Hope will only make Hope more popular, totally opposite of what Courtney wants.

Have you noticed that Miranda is one of the only people who has a chin on this show?

Ginger tries to defend Courtney, but Hope snaps back with a "if you decide to treat Courtney like a human being, I shall dub thee "loser," and Courtney too." Bitch. You really ought to be more grateful. No one even knew your name a few days ago, and now when someone treats you with a little kindness, you take it and use it against them. Some people just aren't meant for the shark tank that is the popularity circle. Courtney completely breaks down, cries, and runs out of the cafeteria.

What is it with being called a loser that's the quintessential "end of the world" for kids on these shows? In real life, being called a loser is like tiny kitten scratches on your ankle. Kids have been called much more vulgar, nastier things that hurt like a motherfucker. Why undermine their feelings by making "loser" the one-all avada kedavra of insults? I mean, I know you can't call someone a tiny-tit whore on the show (or whatever horrible, creative insults you can think of), but if kids learn that being called a loser is the worst thing they can be called, how will they be able to handle insults with specific connotations (like being told to go kill themselves, or being called a slut), instead of a blanket term for just being unlikable? Unless Nickelodeon chooses to go all out and really bring real-life experiences of middle school ostracizing, this kind of shallowness shouldn't even be considered realistic. But the sad thing is, compared to other kids' shows, As Told by Ginger is one of the most realistic out there. For a show that teaches so much about life and growing up, ATBG has a lot of growing up to do itself.

TL;DR version: These watered-down concepts of bullying and ostracizing should not be considered realistic in the slightest.

Carl has an idea on how to bring Mrs. Gordon back--since being a brown-noser isn't working, he's decided to start pulling mega pranks again. Uh, Carl? Isn't that what drove her away in the first place?! You're in a catch-22 situation here. Abandon ship. I repeat, abandon ship. Okay, fine. Don't listen to me. They go to Mrs. Gordon's house to tell her how out-of-control they are without her and-- oh my God! Kitties!

LOOK AT ALL THE FLUFFY BEAUTIFULS.

Anyway, Mrs. Gordon yells at them from out her little peep-hole box that she's definitely not coming back, as long as Carl and Hoodsey continue to act like little trolls.

Lois inadvertently gives both Ginger and Carl an idea on how to solve their problems. A party. Because everyone knows people love parties.

The boys ask Blake to host a please-come-back party at the Gripling McMansion--masquerading as a retirement party, and he agrees. As for Ginger, she convinces Courtney to throw a party, apologize to Hope, and have everyone love her again. A flawed plan, but hey, everyone loves parties. Courtney thinks this idea is brilliant, and then asks why Ginger is talking to her in the first place, as doing so will be detrimental to her social standing.

"I'd rather be nice than popular." - Ginger

Doesn't that face remind you of the 4chan smiley face?

Mrs. Gordon's party is going well. Mr. Hepper and his band are playing, Blake is serving crab puffs, and everyone's having a good time. I'm actually surprised Mrs. Gordon decided to show up. She asks where Carl is to terrorize her, and Blake has a mini-freakout over the fact that Carl is the only student she seems to care about. But then Blake realizes that he is a Gripling, and Griplings do not have outbursts, so he chills out and goes to get more crab puffs since he flung them all to the floor.

It's hard being rich.

Courtney makes a public apology to Hope in front of what I presume is the entire school, but she wasn't even there to witness it. In a fit of rage and desperation, Courtney drops to the floor and pounds her fists on the floor to the melting of the ice sculpture of her and Hope. Absolutely pathetic. And then Dodie gets down to the floor to let Courtney pound her "delicate" fists into her hands so she won't hurt them. I know, Ginger, I don't know whether to be amused or horrified either. Suddenly, Hope shows up in a pink, rubber dress and calls Courtney out on being a total faker, and they launch into a fist-fight.

And, like all fist-fights, this one ends when Courtney notices how awesome Hope's highlights are, and then Hope's like, "I used you as my model when I re-invented myself", and they instantly become friends. Uh, what?! Did the writers just go "fuck it!" to this plot line? Because this is the most ill-conceived ending to a plot-line I've ever seen. Not to mention horrible. Hope basically became a clone of Courtney, after being ostracized by Courtney. After tearing Courtney down. What. The. Hell. ??? You know what, screw this plot. Please, let's go back to Carl's party.

Ahh, real entertainment! Carl breaks out into a 30-second jazzy song and dance describing how much he needs Mrs. Gordon back in his life, and it's actually quite good.

After he finishes his song, he comes right out and tells Mrs. Gordon that he misses her. Mrs. Gordon then says, "No one likes a kiss-up, Carl." With a little wink, which indicates that she's a sucker for a little jazz and a begging misfit child.

"No one likes a kiss-up, Carl." - Mrs. Gordon

That night, Carl tosses and turns in his sleep with some howling music in the background. He shoots up like a rocket calling out for Mrs. Gordon. I don't know what he was dreaming about, but it sounds to me like a psychic dream, like his intuition was acting up. In the context of television, that's a sign that something isn't right.

The next day, the kids wait anxiously for Mrs. Gordon to arrive, as Carl hoped that his sincere apology really was enough to bring Mrs. Gordon out of retirement. Hoodsey reassures him that she's on her way to class right now. The door opens, and it's Principal Milty (wait, why is he at the elementary school? I thought he was the junior high school principal? Oh, forget it). Anyway, he whispers something to Mr. Hepper before speaking to the class. He turns to them, clears his throat, and announces that Mrs. Elaine Gordon has died early this morning. Principal Milty says that Mrs. Gordon loved her job and all her students deeply, and that there will be a memorial service for her in case any students want to pay their respects to her. I cannot look at Carl without crying. This poor kid. Oh, my God.

The worst part of this episode is that Mrs. Gordon wasn't originally "supposed" to die. The original script had her returning to teaching, but Kathleen Freeman, Mrs. Gordon's voice actor, died at the age of 82 from lung cancer before the episode was finished. Instead of using the original ending and hiring a new voice actor, this final scene was put together as a tribute to both Mrs. Gordon and Ms. Freeman. Rest in peace.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: getting a light makeover will catapult you into popularity; it's better to be Courtney than to be yourself; don't drive your teacher to retirement