Season 2, Episode 35: "Ginger's Solo"

Hmm, I don't remember this episode. Don't you just love finding episodes of an old show you've never seen before?


During gym class, Ginger is suffering from what Dodie calls "Post-Traumatic-Summer-Love-Disorder" because she found a bunch of old shit from Sasha during their time at Camp Caprice in that awful movie. Wait, she's still harboring on her feelings for that drama queen toolbag? After like, what, a year? In case you don't remember, Sasha was the one who overheard Courtney tell the other campers about Ginger's "boyfriend" Ian, and Sasha used that tiny bit of misconstrued information to form a complete, solid opinion of her. Even Ginger knew that was fucked up, so why does she still like him? Because he's hawwwt, that's why. Preteens.

Hell, even Macie mentions how much of a tool Sasha is because he didn't return any of Ginger's phone calls or letters. As much as I hate to use this reference because it's every-Goddamn-where, it's completely justified here. Hit it, Elsa: "Let it go. Let it gooooo..."

Of course, Dodie thinks Sasha has been ignoring Ginger because of the "out of sight, out of mind" BS, because it's totally okay to stereotype guys. And then Ginger gets the idea to go visit him to get things straightened out, but she knows Lois would deliver a swift kick in her ass for even considering asking her to drive 2-1/2 hours to Heathered Hills to screw some boy. So, there goes that plan. For now, I'm sure.

Ugh, this is stupid. Let's see what Carl and the Hoods-man are up to:

They're in the computer lab preparing for a test, though they'd much rather be hacking computers. I wouldn't be surprised if Carl and Hoodsey were the ones who developed the first online jump scare. They overhear Blake talking to his computer, so they go over to investigate. He's playing some kind of Indiana Jones mummy game, and is totally diggin' it. How is the teacher letting him play in school? Ahh, it's Blake Gripling. He probably paid off the teacher's salary for the year. Carl and Hoodsey scoff at the idea of computer games, as they're too "sedentary." What the fuck? Okay, I know these two are more active and scheming than normal kids their age, but what kind of ten-year-old boy would say that gaming is "too sedentary?" It's like a college student scoffing at the idea of sleeping in on the weekend.

Well, Higsby can scratch Call of Duty off his list for potential birthday gifts for Carl and Hoodsey.

Apparently, another reason why Blake is playing this game is because hes preparing for when his father buys a 10% stake in an Egyptian tomb. Okay? And how is playing a flash game taking place in an animated tomb helping you prepare? That's like someone watching a movie about high school and walking in their first day of freshman year thinking it's all one big musical.

So, Carl and Hoodsey want in on this piece of tomb, but they fail at negotiating a price regular ten-year-olds can afford. Maybe if they started a lemonade stand, they could raise the money. A lemonade stand with giant chocolate chip cookies with video cameras in the chocolate chips to see the journey through the human body. Now that's more their style.

As it turns out, Ginger can see Sasha after all, on one condition: join the school's marching band and perform in the National Band Competition at Heathered Hills Junior High, which just happens to be where Sasha goes to school.

"This one time at band camp..."

It's not only that Ginger doesn't want to join the marching band, but she doesn't even know how to play any instruments. But, no worries! With Dodie's skills as president of the Ethnic Cooking Club (?!), she can get Ginger in without being rejected for her lack of talent. Ahem, how many handjobs have you given to get into this cooking club, Dodie?

So, Ginger actually goes down and begs the band instructor for a spot on the team, but all the spots are filled. That is, until some kid drops by to announce that he is forced to drop band until he pulls his grades up. Totally not a forced coincidence, am I right? So, what a lucky day for Ginger to be playing the... extra-grande triangle? Is that even a real thing? Hold on, let me Google it for a sec...nope! But I did get a lot of results referencing this very episode!

Carl and Hoodsey scour the newspapers for jobs. I don't know how they think they'll be making $10,000 by the end of the episode. An ad for psychic callers catches their eye, with a $10/hr salary plus commission.

But since they're too young to work, they decide to run their own psychic scam. Hey, it might work out. Carl did manage to convince his entire school that he was turning into a werewolf that one episode. He's good at manipulating words for his own benefit.

The girls run into a problem while preparing Ginger for her hot rendezvous with Sasha--the band has to wear regulation uniforms, so that means no sky-high heels and micro-mini skirt for you, Ginger. Dodie comments on how nerdy the outfits are, making Macie, an ex-band member, a bit offended.

"Don't you be dissin' the band uniform, girlfraaand." - Macie

Lois comes home from work, sees Carl's head and body wrapped in sheets and her jewelry, and nearly questions why she ever gave birth to him. But she lets him do whatever the hell he wants since she's in a good mood today. Hmm, I guess there were no sick patients puking or pissing on her all day.

Ginger gets to band practice on time (which is half an hour too late in band time) and opens the door to one of the more embarrassing social situations one can encounter in school:

Quick! Into cloaking mode! 

It's bad enough that Ginger has to share yet another class with Miranda, but the extra-grande triangle is, well, it lives up to its name, that's for sure.

Okay, so I did watch this episode at one point, because I DEFINITELY remember this scene with Higsby paying Carl in 100 pennies (instead of just a dollar bill) to have three questions answered. I must only remember this particular scene because Higsby's as annoying as a penny-sized pimple on the forehead of a middle schooler on picture day.

I have to say though: watching Carl give confidently-false information to both Higsby and Blake is downright hilarious. Mostly because Blake is a gullible fool who believes just about anything Carl tells him,

Ginger is having trouble timing the extra-grande triangle with the rest of the band, and for goodness sake, this thing sounds like a bell from a corny game show. She ends up making a friend in class, Katie, and they plan to sit together on the bus on the way to Heathered Hills.

Hoodsey is concerned that Carl is getting too many peoples' hopes up, including one fat kid who asked if he aced Mrs. Gordon's history test. But Carl is too wrapped up in all the money he made, which I call the "Eddy Complex:"

Ginger says goodbye to Dodie and Macie as she gets on the bus, a mere two-and-a-half hours away from seeing Sasha. Meanwhile, Miranda sits up front, refusing to join in the band's revelry as they chant lame rhymes in unison. Why is she even in band? She doesn't seem to like it very much. Anyway, Ginger is creaming her panties extra hard right now. So hard, in fact, that even Katie tells her to calm the fuck down before she explodes. And then Ginger starts fantasizing about being a famous rockstar with Sasha as her groupie. Sick.

The band finally makes it to Heathered Hills, and Ginger immediately starts looking all over the place for Sasha like a lost puppy. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was stalking him. They end up running into each other on the football field, and Sasha doesn't look very excited to see Ginger.

She pretends that she wasn't expecting him (you know, to tone down her stalking to an ogle) and then they share a few words. He seems really guilty, but not in an innocent way, like he hoped Ginger would show up in the middle of his gym class with him all sweaty and stinky, but in an oh-my-God-what-the-hell-is-this-Twilight-Zone-shit? sort of way. Ginger giggles like a schoolgirl, asking to meet Sasha in the cafeteria at 1:00 (what if Sasha has class at that time?) but he agrees anyway. And then Ginger scurries off to rehearse with the band. You know, the reason she's at this school in the first place.

Mrs. Gordon has failed as a teacher because only one student passed the history test with flying colors. She patronizes the class as she hands back the grades, and would you look at that--Carl got the A! When has that ever happened in the history of this show?

Meanwhile, the fat kid is left with a just-under-the-wire D+, and asks which two beatings Carl would prefer for hustling him out of his milk money.

Ginger gets in trouble with the band because she's still fantasizing about sexy times with Sasha instead of hitting a damn extra-grande triangle one damn extra-grande time--which by the way sounds closer to a triangle this time. The teacher straight-up belittles her commitment to the band, and the rest of the band starts to gang up on her (which is absolutely justified) and Ginger almost cries out an apology. And then in the very next scene, she rushes into the cafeteria to talk to Sasha. Yeah, totally committed. Hey now, I'm pretty sure that you can't just be walking around a cafeteria in junior high school. In my school, we assigned ourselves our own tables and weren't allowed to walk around. Tyrannical, I know, but it was to keep us from getting out of control. And yes, I know all schools are different with different rules, yadda yadda yadda... but come on. How was Ginger even allowed into the school by herself?

Oh my God, we're actually getting an explanation for why Sasha was such a fucktard to Ginger back at camp! His girlfriend at the time, Clover, had dumped him for a more popular guy, so when he heard that Ginger had a popular "boyfriend" herself, Sasha went ballistic.

???

Ooooohkay? What does that have to do with how he treated Ginger? Did he assume that Ian was just like Clover's new boyfriend? Let's take a little trip back in time to the Camp Caprice episode so we can try to make some sense out of this (cue whoosh noises and electronic time machine beep boops):

Sasha: "...I just finally realized what kind of girl you are."
Ginger: "Oh, really? And what kind of girl is that?"
Sasha: "A former nobody who just wanted to be "cool," so you cozied up to girls like Courtney and guys like Ian. Mister "rich and popular." Right? Yeah, that's what's important in a guy."

Okay, let me see if I can "assume" what went down, just like Sasha did. Sasha was pissed that Clover was just trying to climb the popularity chart. I bet Clover started kissing the popular girls' asses and showing off prepubescent cleavage to the rich, popular guys in hopes that she would join the in-crowd and finally be more than just an invisible face. And once she got a rich hottie hooked, she dumped poor, loser Sasha on the spot. So when Sasha heard all these things about Ian, about how he was rich and popular, Sasha assumed that Ginger was just another socially-starved Clover.

He was scared, is all. Sasha was scared of losing another girl he liked, so he hurt Ginger to spare himself the feelings that once haunted him. Aww, it almost makes me feel sorry for him. But it doesn't because you don't assume that every girl who you overhear has a hot, popular boyfriend is a shallow whore, you fucking kumquat.

Of course, Ginger doesn't see the big, red flag waving in front of her face, so she's just like, "Pshaw, it's all cool, baby." But, oh... that isn't even the worst part! Apparently, Sasha was so devastated that his dear Clover dropped him like a bad habit for hotter, richer guys that he DECIDED TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER.

YOU CANNOT WEAR MIDRIFFS IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

Fuck this shit, I'm done. You'd think Sasha would be wiser to not fall for this whore again, but no. What a goddamn hypocrite. Clover even makes fun of Ginger for being a band geek. But it's "Hehe, nothing personal." Bitch. I mean, yeah, Ginger is dumb for falling for Sasha, but I really feel like crying with her. You can see that there is honest pain in her eyes, because she really did like him for who he was, even though he was a judgmental jerk. You better watch your back, Sasha. No, seriously, Clover looks like she's about to pop you in the mouth:

Back at the Foutley house, all the kids in Carl's class stand outside the doghouse demanding their money back. It's at this point when we see Carl at his second most vulnerable.

Ginger washes away her tears in the bathroom while Miranda listens to her crying very intently. For a second, I thought I was going to have to jump through this screen and slap Miranda upside the head to give Ginger a damn break already, but she's surprisingly sympathetic towards Ginger, probably because she's only comfortable when she's the one making Ginger feel like shit. I guess that's... sweet? I don't know, but Miranda tells Ginger to just let Sasha go and be the best damn extra-grande triangle player this town has ever seen. A rare human moment with Miranda gives me hope for her well-being in the future.

I think it would have helped to throw the extra-grade triangle at Sasha's head--that would have made me feel better.

And then Ginger totally nails it at the performance. Woo-hoo! She finally learned how to play the extra-grande triangle!

After giving back everyone's money, Carl finds a dollar left. But then he realizes who it belongs to--the fat kid (whose name is revealed to be Terrence). Carl barricades the door in time to avoid nuclear wedgies from him and his brother. Uh-oh!

On the way back home, Ginger reminds herself that gaining a shiny medal for rockin' the triangle was worth way more than gaining a long-distance hypocritical boyfriend. And you know, this episode does a great job de-glamorizing summer romances, or any kind of long-distance fling in general. I think it's best until Ginger waits until college before she attempts a long-distance relationship.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: don't fall for Sashas; don't try to be a psychic, especially for moolah; Sasha is a hypocritical ass who doesn't deserve Ginger