Season 1, Episode 17: "Piece of My Heart"

This episode starts out inside of Macie's locker, probably so we can't see what's going on in the outside world. Through the vents of the locker, we see Hoodsey drop a love note inside, where Macie finds it sometime later. Oooh. Saucy.

Hoodsey waltzes into class late, and Mrs. Gordon tells him, "Should we start class fifteen minutes later so that you can get here on time?" To which Hoodsey replies, "It'd sure help." Damn, that was so nonchalant that I don't even think Carl could pull that off better. After Hoodsey sits down, Carl asks if he "made the drop" which could mean anything, really, because I doubt he would care about Hoodsey's crush on Macie. After noticing an article in the newspaper about a farmer being upset about his ailing cow, Carl gets an idea. And with this, I haven't the faintest idea what he's planning on doing.

Macie gushes about her "mystery man" to the girls, who also gush in excitement because it's amazing anyone would find Macie attractive. Not to be mean, but I wouldn't exactly peg her as someone's dream girl--at least not until she changes her hair color and finds a proper decongestant (how does someone walk around with constant allergies all day, every day, anyway?). Anyway, Hoodsey wants Macie to ask him to the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. For those of you that don't know, a Sadie Hawkins dance is where the girls traditionally ask the guys to a school dance. It's an extremely common trope on many children's' shows. I don't know if it exists in real life because I've never heard of a Sadie Hawkins dance outside of television. After a quick Internet search, I've found that it is indeed a real dance.

Mr. Celia walks in and tells hclass that the school has scraped together enough money to provide the class with enough pig hearts for them to dissect. Yum, yum.

Back in the elementary school, Carl tells Hoodsey that the ailing cow (who's named Pinky) needs a pig heart more than Ginger's science class does. How Carl knows about the upcoming dissection, I don't know, but he's determined to steal one of the hearts to save the cow's life. That's so sweet of Carl to think of the animals, but I'm not sure how well a pig heart will work in a cow's body. Animal heart transplants are not always successful, and a pig heart may be too small for a cow. Would he be the one to attempt it, or is he just going to bring the bleeding thing to a heart surgeon and say, "Stick this inside the sick cow."?

Carl Foutley: Animal lover, atheist, and extraordinaire in the strange and grotesque.

So, Carl manages to lure Hoodsey into his plan after telling him all the wonderful things Pinky has done in the past. Now, they only have 48 hours to steal a heart from the junior high school because it will only be good for that long. Meanwhile, Blake has been listening to their plan all along. Why? Because he's jealous that Carl never invites him to his parties. And by parties, I mean his altruistic and/or selfish schemes. Rich children need more than bundles of money for friends, you know.

Ginger is planning on asking Ian to the dance, and I don't know why because I thought she was totally over him after he took advantage of her smarticles a few episodes ago. Ugh, whatever. Maybe once Ginger gets pregnant with his baby she'll finally realize what a fucking tool he is. Ginger and Dodie wait until Ian's at the water fountain so that Ginger can ask him while he's drinking so Ginger will have time to bat her eyelashes before he gets a chance to answer. But, oops, Ginger's a hair too late, and Miranda gets to him first. And here's how their whole conversation goes:

Miranda: "So, Ian, anyone ask you to the Sadie Hawkins dance yet?"
Ian: "No, but my dad says it's probably because I'm really good-looking. See, when you're really good-looking, people are sort-of intimidated by you."
Miranda: "Right. So, you want to go with me?"
Ian: "Okay."

Oh well. Too bad, Ginger. You lose. Looks like you're stuck going with Darren.

Sometimes, I wish the name of this show could be As Told By Carl because his storylines are much more interesting. I'm tired of watching Ginger cream her panties over this douchebag as if he's the only guy in school who has a pretty face.

As the girls cry about how Ginger won't be locking arms with Ian, Winston rings the doorbell, mistakenly believing that it's the Pattersons' house. Winston has come to deliver an invitation from Courtney to the Pattersons' house for the Sadie Hawkins dance, but doesn't realize that there are two Patterson brothers (he doesn't specify which brother the invitation is for). Then, Winston swoons because he wishes there were such dances when he was young, otherwise he would have a family by now. Ooh. Uh... that's actually really quite sad.

So, Darren answers the door and Winston gives him the note. So, now Darren is pleasantly surprised and Ginger is distressed, because now she has no one to go to the dance with. Aw, shucks.

You can't see it, but there's a big ass smile behind that strip of metal.

Carl and Hoodsey set up an eavesdropping machine so they can find out where Mr. Celia is hiding the pig hearts. There's a knock on the doghouse door, and it's Blake. Why am I not surprised? Blake wants in on the plan, otherwise he will spill it to the press who will surely broadcast the story on the news. But Carl thinks that Blake just wants to hog all the credit.

Blake's angry face is actually quite adorable.

Blake tells Carl that he also feels bad for the sick cow, and that he really wants to be part of the scheme, offering to take Winston with him and use the limo as a getaway car for them. As Carl thinks it over, Hoodsey's like, "It's a good idea, Carl." So, Carl comes out, and they make a deal. They shake on it to make it official.

The next morning, Carl gives Ginger a pen to give to Mr. Celia so he can listen in one where he is hiding all the pig hearts. The pen has a very obvious microphone at the top, and who knows if Mr. Celia is going to even have the pen with him if he tells someone where the pig hearts are?

Darren asks Will for advice on what he should do about Courtney, but Will just puts him in a headlock and gives him nonsensical advice, because what else are older brothers for?

After Ginger gives Mr. Celia the pen, Macie finds another note from her mystery man in her locker. Hoodsey writes in the letter for Macie to buy a ticket to the dance for him and to leave it at the front door for him, and he will pay her back. Macie wonders if this is all a practical joke because of what I said before, and also being that they're in junior high, that wouldn't surprise me (if it happened to anyone, to be honest). Ginger finds Courtney in the bathroom brushing her hair. Considering the possibility of someone playing a practical joke on Macie, Ginger wonders if Courtney is doing the same thing to Darren, only to find that she had actually intended to ask Will, Darren's brother. Whoops.

Carl, Blake, and Hoodsey find out that Mr. Celia plans to stash the hearts in the cafeteria kitchen with a label marked "Mr. Celia." And thus, their plan is set into action.

Ginger paces around her room trying to come up with a way to tell Darren the truth. Why the hell does this always happen? What is so hard about telling Darren that there's been a mix-up? Sure, you may not want to see him get upset, but come on! Why do you have to prepare a speech? Just say, "There's been a mix-up. Courtney meant to ask Will, not you, to the Sadie Hawkins dance." That is all you have to say. Why complicate things?

Sorry, rant over. So, Darren pops in through Ginger's window to tell her that Courtney asked him and he's really excited to go because for the first time ever, a girl is showing interest in him (ignore that episode when Miranda made Ginger believe she liked Darren). Anyway, Ginger grows balls for the first time ever and tells Darren that there's been a mix-up, but Darren takes it the wrong way, believing that Ginger is just jealous---

Okay, stop. I can't finish the rest of this episode. I just can't. I am so fucking sick of this cliché, you don't even know. So fucking sick of it. It's not enough that Ginger paces around trying to find the right words for a simple fucking sentence, but for Ginger to actually tell him the truth instead of being too afraid to hurt his feelings, that takes balls. And I'm glad she just told him straight out. But no, every time someone on a Nickelodeon or Disney Channel show says something that someone doesn't want to hear, they ALWAYS, al-fucking-ways, believe that it's because of jealousy. My God, it's just... why? WHY? There are so many kids' show clichés I can't stand, but this is the one that stings the most because of how nonsensical, idiotic, and just plain irritating it is. Why wouldn't you believe your best friend, who is only trying to help you? I get it, Darren, you want Courtney to like you because no one else will because of your metal head gear, but Goddamn it. Characters of the kid show world: if someone tries to tell you some painful news that you don't want to hear, STOP THINKING IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhhhgioutgyeorgh094ghieojg0o598yu4ry89u596y8uol5904e9yejihjihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry about that, folks. I just had to say it. I'll continue the rest of the episode. Not for me, but for you guys. I honestly had no idea that this show would sink so low to be comparable to the quality of generic kid shows. I am just in such shock right now that the most complex Nickelodeon show of all time has sunk to this level. Please, please let us get back to Carl's plan. For the entirety of the episode. I'm begging you. I don't want to talk about this Sadie Hawkins dance jealously bullshit anymore.


**** The following blog will continue when composure has returned. Thank you for your patience.****


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As Lois is helping Ginger get ready for the dance, she, too, is subjected to the love triangle crap, and gives Ginger some advice that seems to have just slipped her mind: go talk to Will and see if he can do something. Thank you for saving the day one again, Lois. Once again, you have proved time and time again that the best Nickelodeon parents need to be parents, and not piss-poor examples of parental support with a brain stem too short for a brain cell to stick to.

Ginger rushes next door to tell Will the news. The fact that his little bro's heart is about to be crushed inspires him to drive down to the junior high school to set things straight. He takes Ginger along since she's going there as well.

Dodie shows up with Chet Zipper on her arm and compliments Darren on his snazzy tux. Then, Macie comes strutting by in a cute pink and purple dress. I love Macie; she's so adorable.

Dodie removes Macie's glasses and deems her "perfect." Really now? I guess walking around blind is now the latest in fashion. Carl, Hoodsey, and Blake stay behind in the limo as Hoodsey stares at Macie through a periscope. And then Macie sneezes and makes a goofy face.

Carl arms Hoodsey with a mysterious disguise, complete with a fedora and sunglasses.

It looks like Carl has no eyeballs, but they're there--they're looking in Hoodsey's direction.

Hoodsey signs in at the junior high school under the alias "Mystery Man," though he could have just used his real name, or any other fake name if he was really that desperate. He spots Macie at the punch bowl failing to perfect the art of hand-eye coordination. Because Mystery Man is just standing there not doing anything, Macie gets discouraged that her secret admirer really is just a practical joke, so she walks off the dance floor, heartbroken. Instead of going with Carl to get the pig hearts, Hoodsey runs off, possibly to finally introduce himself to Macie.

As Darren waits outside the school for Courtney, Courtney runs past him, all dirty and disheveled because she just walked all the way from her McMansion to the school, as Winston didn't pick her up when she called. Darren tries to talk to Courtney, but she barely acknowledges him, especially when Will shows up with his car. Courtney hides in the bushes, afraid to be seen in her awful, sweaty state. Will pulls up and tells Darren that the invite was meant for him, and that Will wouldn't have gone to some "preteen dance anyway." Courtney hears this, and is shocked to hear such blasphemy. So, once things are set straight, Will drives off after Ginger gets out. Ginger and Darren apologize to each other and go to the dance together after all.

Chet Zipper is having trouble with his balance/equilibrium, so he and Dodie dance like two bobble head dolls on a merry-go-round.

Somehow, I believe they're made for each other.

So, Mystery Man approaches Macie with another alias, "Burl Forkenshtock," and Macie goes gaga over the obviously fake name. Really? Burl Forkenshtock? He gives her a weeping flower and then they go off to dance.

Carl and Blake grab the heart in the fridge, and Blake calls Winston to bring the limo around.

"Burl" and Macie get acquainted after several long, passionate minutes, and right as they're about to kiss, Dodie spots them and immediately pulls Chet along to invade their privacy. Hoodsey remembers that Carl said to not let anyone see him, so he tells Macie that he has to leave. And then he runs off before Dodie gets a good look at him.

Carl drops the heart off at the farmer's shack, rings the bell, and drives off with Blake and Winston. Blake must have had a lot of fun, because he asks Carl if they can do something like this again, but Carl's like, "You're off your high horse, Gripling." And then they go back to being sworn enemies... right after sharing some ice cold cans of ginger ale. It's too bad they're enemies. As annoying as Blake can be, I can see him being a decent friend to Carl.

Courtney comes through the door with a new do, a red sash, and shoeless, confidently proclaiming that she has come alone. All the girls think it's soooooo cool. And now Courtney has started a new trend.

So, I guess we're supposed to assume that the farmer transfers the heart into his cow and saves her life. Because there's nothing hinting at how that plot will end. I wonder how Mr. Celia will react to his missing pig hearts. What'll they dissect instead? The mystery meat?


Lessons Learned From This Episode: Always make sure you invite the right person to your school dance; Burl Forkenshtock is a stupid alias; stop assuming that your best friend is just "jealous" every time they try to tell you something that you don't want to hear.


Hey, guys, I was just looking at the lineup for the next few episodes I will be reviewing, and next week will be the first movie review: Summer of Camp Caprice. Because the episode will be three times longer than a regular 22-minute episode, expect a review three times longer than usual. I really hope you guys have the patience to read a longer post, because I wouldn't want to sacrifice the plot just because some of you may have short attention spans. So, hopefully you'll be ready. I know I can't wait to review it and share all my thoughts with you guys. See you next week.

P.S. This episode was dedicated to Lewis Arquette, voice of Mr. Celia, who died of heart failure on 10 February, 2001.