Season 3, Episodes 58-60: "The Wedding Frame"

This is it, guys. I can't believe we finally made it here. After over a year of reviewing every episode of this amazing (yet sometimes infuriating) show, I'm heartbroken to see this blog entering the homestretch. The final episode, the final movie, and the final review of As Told by Ginger.

As you know, this blog isn't ending with "The Wedding Frame." Over the next couple of weeks, I will be writing up lots of bonus posts that will flesh out the rest of the blog, and these posts will most likely continue through my Hey Arnold! Reviewed reviews.

Also, I'm really going to be stretching my time out for this new blog. Why? I am happy to report that after three-and-a-half months of searching, I have finally landed a job! Yay! No longer can I call myself a jobless blogger (not that I've been calling myself that, but, I'm finally moving on up!).

I hope you guys cleared up a large window of time to read this because there is A LOT to cover for this three-part TV movie. Also, because this is the last episode in the series, be prepared for the longest review I've ever done.

And now, without further adieu, As Told by Ginger: "The Wedding Frame:"


Orion and Ginger are hovering over the prospect of dating, and Orion's totally got them sex eyes going on. Unfortunately for him, Ginger is too preoccupied with the last-minute details of Lois's wedding to think about over-the-shirt groping right now. Bummer.

Orion makes a joke about how Ginger is acting like it's her and Orion who's getting married, which freezes Ginger into the next scene. So, Ginger and Mr. Constellation aren't exactly going steady yet--Ginger's too afraid to dive into that territory, most likely because of what happened between her and Darren... and Lois and Jonas.

"Nothing will tear us apart, babe. I promise." Remember when Darren said that in "Butterflies Are Free?" Yeah, I'm not surprised why Ginger is afraid to enter a new relationship--especially since she hasn't known Orion as long as she's known Darren. But that's what makes it even worse. If someone like Orion broke Ginger's heart, it would be easier to brush it off. But because Ginger basically lost one of her closest friends, it's like part of her died along with her relationship, and that has to be one of the most awful feelings a human could feel. 

Ginger, Dodie, and Macie are trying on their bridesmaid dresses while waiting for Lois to come out of the dressing room with her big, white dress. They talk about Ginger's commitment issues--her "phobia," rather, and then Lois steps out in a strapless, flowy dress. Jessica Victoria Carrillo, I'm sure you'll appreciate this screenshot:

Ginger's commitment issues burst through like the Kool-Aid Man when trying to pinpoint the exact color of her bridesmaid dress (an obvious cover-up to how freaked out she is about weddings). Lois--who was oblivious to the girls' entire conversation even though only a screen was blocking her--tells Ginger that everything will be perfect and she shouldn't worry.

Darren walks down the street gushing over the fact that Ginger invited him to the Foutley-Dave wedding, and is thwarted by Simone, who runs around him with a basketball. Darren is looking super uncomfortable with her all of a sudden (this is new!) and backs away when Simone wraps her arms around his neck and utters an amorous "I do" in reference to Simone thinking she could whoop Darren's ass on the basketball court.

Darren drops his mail in fear that Simone totally wants to marry him at 14, and backs away. What, does Darren have commitment issues, too? I see a theme here--our two main characters with new love interests suddenly aren't so into them anymore. I see where this is going.

The Foutley house is now being put up for sale in preparation to move up to a bigger, better, mold-free house. Carl is actually trusting Buddy with the real estate again (why, I haven't got a clue), and decides to do what he calls a "preliminary inspection" of the house. He had arranged for a friend of his to do the inspection, and you won't believe who it is:

Just burn the house down. We'll all be better off.

The faux-macho neglectful douchebag meets corporate money-grabbing swindler. Not only that, they're best friends. This is the kind of stuff you see on live-action sitcoms--except these two together are much worse.

I just realized they have the same face. Are they cousins or something?!

Carl and Buzz fill each other in on their lives. Apparently, Buzz's hick kids have nearly killed themselves in various ways, much to no one's surprise. I wonder why someone hasn't called CPS yet since Buzz is unfit to be the guardian of children, or even adults, for that matter. Carl tells Buzz about Lois's engagement to Doctor Dave, and boy does Buzz get jealous.

Carl and Hoodsey say goodbye to the doghouse as they prepare to chop it down. Carl is noticeably distraught over having to tear down his pride and joy, but reminds himself that he and Hoodsey can rebuild a new one in a tree at the new house. A bigger, more technologically-advanced clubhouse. Carl makes one final apology to the house--and to his long-lost dog, Monster, before lifting up his club. As Carl makes the first chop in the door, a dog somewhere off in the distance perks up out of his sleep and starts walking off the porch of an unfamiliar swamp house.

Wait a minute... is that...?

I have questions.

Ginger brings her band some icy glasses of lemonade, and listens as they perform a soft-rock song about Orion's slippery relationship with Ginger that takes Ginger into a daydream. It's only because she doesn't realize the song is about her. 

She also doesn't realize how badly Orion is blue-balling right now.

Doctor Dave's coworkers want to throw him a bachelor's party, but the squeamish Doc is only comfortable observing naked females in critical condition.

Lois finds out about Ginger's fear of marriage through Ginger's oh so subtle racking nerves as she sorts out more wedding details. Lois tries to urge Ginger not to give up on true love just because things didn't work out between her and Darren, but Ginger refuses to talk about it, even though she was the one who brought it up. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is. Ginger leaves to go do more wedding planning, leaving Lois in an uncomfortable position where her only daughter may end up a man-hating hermit.

Darren seeks advice from Will about what to do about the Foutley-Dave wedding. It's clear by now that Darren still has feelings for Ginger, but doesn't want to upset Simone, and Will is too preoccupied with his bulging pecs and washboard abs to even be competent.

Yes, that is a picture of himself on the mirror.

Mrs. Patterson walks in inquiring about the whereabouts of the invitation since Ginger called asking if they're RSVPing, and Darren gets all excited at the possibility of Ginger possibly asking about him. Where was this pining for Ginger the past five episodes? Why does he miss her all of a sudden now?

The scene cuts to a beat-up trailer in a swampy, unknown area. A phone rings and we are introduced to the cheapest-looking hooker from Poontang Prairies, Niki LaPorte.

"Niki LaPorte. Talk to me, loverbug." - Niki LaPorte

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how Klasky-Csupo is able to get so much past the FCC. And I'm only saying this because they produce children's television shows. And it's not like the fact that she's a prostitute is subtle--this chick's got hips as wide as Texas and a sultry 40-year-old southern voice. The voice on the other end of the phone is unrecognizable, but is referred to by a mysterious "Silver Fox." Niki is told that her services are needed (oh, I sincerely hope this isn't for Doctor Dave's bachelor party) and will be paid a handsome fee. A manila envelope containing the information and 50% of her money is waiting outside her door. Inside, Niki finds a photo of Doctor Dave. And somehow, I don't think this plan has anything to do with the bachelor party.

As Ginger continues gathering ideas for the wedding, Princess Leia's black cousin shows up to harass her.

Okay, okay, let's just get this out of the way before I give Miranda more attention than she deserves:

- Miranda's hair looks like a pair of fuzzy dice you hang from the mirror of your car that have been washed and dried for too long.

- Her head looks like a dumbbell.

- With her tiny body, she looks like a mallet.

- It looks like she had her hair in side ponytails, stuck her finger in an electrical socket, got electrocuted, and then had to cut off the burning tips of her hair before they scorched her whole head.

Nothing significant happens in this scene. Miranda just tries to scare Ginger because she's about to become a stepchild. I wonder why she's not hanging around Courtney like a fly to a dead horse. She certainly doesn't have to fight for her attention anymore. See, I always knew Miranda wasn't really jealous of all the time Ginger and Courtney spent together--she just likes fucking around with Ginger. Naturally, talking to Miranda doesn't make Ginger feel any better about the wedding--hers or Lois and Doctor Dave's.

As Lois takes the kids to see the new house she and Doctor Dave bought, they pass by a cemetery with these two headstones in plain view:

We will miss you.

Yes, this is a 4th wall break--a signal that after this movie, the series will come to an end. I really would rather not start tearing up right now, as we still have a lot more movie to get through, so let's just skip ahead to the new Foutley-Dave house:

Look at the size of that place--imagine all the nooks and crannies, and closet space, waiting to be filled. I suspect the original Foutley house was the size of the west wing in front of the gazebo there. Oh, did I forget to mention that this house is in Protected Pines? As in Courtney Gripling's neighborhood?! I'm not a fan of McMansions (personally, I prefer cute, little older houses myself), but the fact that Doctor Dave and Lois managed to scrape together enough to put a down payment on a house like this is pretty damn impressive. Or is it? The man is a surgeon, you know. All the family needed was a house slightly bigger than the Foutleys'. But hey, I'm not the one with the bursting bank account. Perhaps this is just a way to illustrate how drastically all their lives are going to change for the better.

By the way, I've been mislabeling Courtney's mansion as a McMansion throughout the whole blog--this is more likely a McMansion, a pejorative term for a house that's only as enormous as it is to impress people who drive by.

Buddy is there, ready to be pulled apart by Carl who busts his balls about trying to figure out proper interest rates. As the kids go off to pick their favorite oversized bedrooms with en suites and walk-in closets with built-in chandeliers, Lois confides in Buddy that this (I'm not sure if she's referring to the marriage or the change in houses) is the best thing that ever happened to her family. D'aww.

In the next scene, we catch up with Noelle. Noelle! Oh, how I missed you and your weirdness! How've you been, girl?

Noelle has received an invitation to the Foutley-Dave wedding too (Why don't Carl and Ginger invite the whole Lucky school district while they're at it? No offense, Noelle.). The phone starts to ring. It's Niki LaPorte, asking if there's any room left in the Sussman Motor Park (I guess the Sussmans own a trailer park), and Noelle says yes. Meanwhile, Niki comes ridiculously close to running over the dog we saw earlier in the episode. And then she decides to claim him as her own.

Ginger tries to talk to Carl about her issues with marriage, but he's like, "Stop worrying so goddamn much." And then Ginger snubs him when she doesn't get a pity party.

Once Niki pulls into Sussman Motor Park, Buzz (yes--he lives here, surprise, surprise) peers out the screen door and instantly pops a redneck boner for Niki. His dumbass kids continue to beat each other up and expel drivel from their Mountain Dew-smelling mouths and, instead of disciplining them like a good father, Buzz ignores them to try to score some ass.

Buzz notices Niki holding a picture of Lois, and seeing as Buzz and Lois are acquainted with each other, Niki thinks this "Silver Fox" person is Buzz. Oh, dear. I smell trouble. No, wait, that's just Senior-Junior's hair being burned to a crisp back inside the trailer.

Doctor Dave is discouraged from honeymooning in beautiful Hawaii and is instead practically forced into going to Omaha, Nebraska. Why? Methinks the travel agent is in cahoots with "Silver Fox" because no travel agent would suggest a newlywed couple travel to Omaha to spend the first seven days of their lives together (sorry, Omaha--I do love the song by Counting Crows, though!) I wonder why Doctor Dave doesn't put his foot down and say he wants to go to Hawaii. Oh, yeah. Wet noodle spine syndrome. Clearly, he doesn't want to go to middle America, as per this face:

I bet if someone invited him to travel to the center of Hell, he'd slap on some sunglasses and inch his way down Satan's staircase.

Niki LaPorte--in a blonde wig--taps on the window and makes kissy faces at Doctor Dave.

At first, Doctor Dave is like, "Who's this tramp talking to?" but then realizes she's talking to him. Doctor Dave runs outside to see what's going on, only to be confronted by "Diane Francis," Doctor Dave's ex and colleague from over 10 years ago. He doesn't recognize "Diane" at all, and then she bursts into tears, embarrassing the hell out of Doctor Dave, who then takes her out for coffee to calm her ass down.

During lunch, Ginger asks Dodie and Macie if she's gamophobic, and they don't skip a beat to agree. Macie suggests diving headfirst into her problem, but Ginger doesn't think she can.

Doctor Dave and the fake Diane get "reacquainted," and what I mean by that is that Niki has a microphone in her ear with someone feeding information about her and Doctor Dave's past so that Niki can pose as Diane trying to rekindle their love. Meanwhile, Jonas is across the street getting his camera fixed when he sees Doctor Dave and "Diane"--er, um... in a compromising position.

"Aaaeeeoooow, muh ankle." - "Diane"

He snaps a picture with his newly-fixed camera, possibly to save for blackmail. And then we see some schmuck we don't know filming the whole thing. That's it--Doctor Dave is being set-up.

Simone invites Darren to her friend's house where all the cheerleaders and football team are gathering, but Darren makes up an excuse just so he won't have to see Ginger's face in Simone's during their orgy. Simone is confused as to why Darren is lying to her all of a sudden, until Dodie comes over and regretfully informs her that she can't deep-condition her pom-poms (that I'm not making up) because she has to prepare her duties as a bridesmaid in the Foutley-Dave wedding, and then leaves. Well, that was oddly convenient. Simone starts to connect these seemingly unrelated things, letting the suspicion grow on her face like a Chia pet. Perhaps I'm starting to go too far with these similes.

Carl and Hoodsey are watching TV, and look, a Rugrats parody:

Joann comes in and tells the boys to turn the volume down because she's making flan and doesn't want it to fall. After she leaves in a huff, the boys turn down the volume and comment on Joann's anal attitude. Carl says that Joann should try yoga to calm her paper-thin nerves, and that she would benefit particularly from the downward dog pose.

Wait, what?

Did I hear that correctly?

Did Carl just make a sex joke? A very obvious sex joke?

My word, he did. Okay, so maybe Niki the prostitute can make it past the censors, but how did THIS joke slip by? And with Carl bending over to show the invisible camera his ass?

You know, watching these shows as a kid, you don't pick up on the adult jokes littered throughout them. Like in Animaniacs. If you're a fan of that show, you know what I'm talking about. Does the "fingerprints" scene ring a bell? If not, look that up on YouTube. Or how about the fact that in Rocko's Modern Life, Rocko worked as a phone sex operator? The parents who have to sit there and watch these shows with their kids have to enjoy the shows too, so writers like to slip in these jokes that'll be juuuust subtle enough to fly over kids' heads while making their parents burst out a chuckle or two. And like I had said before: Joann may be more prudish than a Mormon nun, but she's the cause of almost every dirty joke on this show.

Suddenly, the news comes on, and we hear very quickly that Prescott Gripling (AKA Courtney and Blake's father) has been arrested for insider trading. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we get to see the one-and-only Mr. Gripling for the first and only time as he's hauled away in the back of a police car:

I apologize for the sudden change in quality of the screenshots. Due to technical difficulties, I have to revert to my old method of collecting them.

The news anchor explains that Mr. Gripling is in such deep shit, he's forced to abandon his fortune so he can pay off the debts he caused. Basically, the Griplings are done for. They can kiss their home, possessions, and extravagant vacations goodbye because they are now poor people.

The news anchor then decides to hassle Blake, who tries (and fails) to escape on his tricycle. I believe he was trying to make a statement about how he still has his dignity, but that's gone too.

Oh, dear. I feel so, so bad for them. The Griplings don't deserve this. At least not Claire, Courtney, and Blake. What a turn of events.

Doctor Dave tells Lois that the first days of their marriage will begin in the open countryside of Omaha, and instead of Lois being furious, she shakes her head and realizes they can do the downward dog pose anywhere.

Ginger watches a music video that I'm 99% sure is a reference to Titanic in which Ginger hallucinates herself and Darren as the characters in the video. Ginger is Rose and Darren is Jack, and there's an iceburg, 1910s aesthetic, and the Jack character is walking away from the Rose character, just like how Darren abandoned Ginger a few episodes ago. For some reason, Ginger's voice is horrible in this song. Maybe this is why Ginger is so afraid of commitment. No, not maybe. This is why Ginger is so afraid. One broken heart, and suddenly all guys are the same.

"So, I guess you won't paint me like one of your French girls?"

Ginger imagines herself slipping further and further into a swirling vortex of despair, her lifeless, drowned body being dragged away until you can almost not see her anymore. I think this is a great metaphor for how Ginger is still not over the break-up. I wouldn't expect her to get over it so easily. I know I've been ragging on Ginger a lot lately for being so annoying and brainless, but I still feel sorry for her. Honest to "The Big Guy Upstairs" I do. Darren isn't obligated to stay with her, but it's just the fact that he left Ginger because Simone was "easier" is what I have a problem with. I can't even say what I would do if I was Ginger. I just cannot imagine how it must feel.

Ginger lets the phone ring, so Orion leaves a message about how he's still up for doing Ginger's hair for the wedding. Meanwhile, Darren and Ginger exchange a mutual glance from their windows. It says so much without either of them saying a single word.

Lois and Jonas run into each other at the dollar store, and Jonas struggles to tell Lois what he think he saw. Good thing he chickens out--any misunderstandings on Lois's part would just add unnecessary drama to this already drama-filled movie.

Ginger hears Courtney crying in the school bathroom (where else would she go to cry, honestly?) and gets her to open up about how awful she feels about no longer being rich. For some reason, Ginger looks really hesitant to console Courtney, probably because they're not good enough friends (Ginger's fault!) to talk about something so personal. But Ginger lets Courtney cry on her shoulder anyway, and the advice she gives Courtney--to use this new poor status as a challenge her family can face together--gives Ginger the idea to use her own advice.

But my God, Courtney doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve this at all. High school has been nothing but absolute shit to her. I don't know why she was chosen to have such awful luck. Why couldn't Miranda or Dodie have been bullied mercilessly and lost their hose? Okay, no, I don't really mean that. I just can't stand that all this trauma is happening to Courtney. Ignoring the fact that Courtney doesn't realize the extent of her poverty, I still wish I could jump through my laptop screen and give Courtney a big hug, and tell her everything is going to be okay. I mean, hey, I'm poor, and I made it this far.

Noelle gets a package for Niki LaPorte (I guess everyone's mail goes to her house first), and she does some sweet telekinesis on top of almost magical yoga before heading out to deliver it to her.

The mailman must have seen all this and more before.

As she's delivering the package, the dog we keep seeing returns back to the trailer park, knocking Noelle down. The package opens, and out comes a VHS tape with the label "Dr. Dave and the Other Woman" on it.

Wait a second... how would a VHS tape just pop out of a manila envelope like that? Was it already opened? There's no way it could just fall out if the tab was locked in place. Second, why would Noelle assume (albeit correctly) that the tape label is in reference to the Doctor Dave? Surely there are many other doctors with the last name "Dave." How does Noelle know for sure that this tape is about Lois Foutley's fiance, Doctor David Dave? I know it makes sense in the context of the movie, but you really should not be so assuming in real life. And thus, Noelle decides to investigate.

Orion gets mega pissed off when Ginger finally reveals that she's not ready to enter a new relationship. He's also jealous that Darren is invited to the wedding, making Orion not only pissed, but jealous. So, now that Orion knows he's not getting a blowjob anytime soon, he figures it would be best to stop seeing Ginger until then. Dick. Ginger seriously needs better taste in guys.

Carl and Hoodsey feel guilty for indulging in the Griplings' pre-poverty sale, but decide to stock up anyway since this may be the only time they get to even hold expensive items. No, wait, scratch that. Carl is about to move into a big ass house. So, this is the only time Hoodsey will be able to soak up the Griplings' riches. Noelle drops by to indulge, as well as deliver  the VHS tape to Carl to get his opinion on the tape, which neither of them know yet is blackmail.

So, the boys try to figure out who's behind sabotaging Lois and Doctor Dave's wedding.

Darren drops by the Foutley house to RSVP. It appears he's trying to make peace with Ginger, but Ginger holds up a hard shell against him that almost makes me want to shake her by the throat for being so cold to him, but then I remember how Darren dumped her, so I don't care anymore.

While Carl and Hoodsey search Buzz's dirty shack for clues, Noelle sneaks into Niki's trailer, and finds two big clues--a facial hair trimmer and a photo of the real Diane Francis. Curious...

Lois goes to a cake tasting hosted by the nuttiest wackjob since Maude from episode 2, and ends up drugged. Oh, dear. This isn't good--there's definitely something stronger than pot in that cake.

The nutjob then takes Lois in the back to lie down, and then signals the "travel agent," Niki LaPorte, and Doctor Dave's mother out of the car and into the bakery to do terrible things. Why am I not surprised Doctor Dave's mother is behind this? They're going to kill Lois, I just know it.

Darren leaves a message for Ginger that his family of 4 will be coming to the wedding, and that "there are three beefs and one chicken" referring to both that Darren requests chicken as his main entree and that he is chicken when it comes to revealing how he really feels. Meanwhile, Ginger proclaims that she will no longer be "chicken," but the "beef." I really don't know what that means, considering Ginger does nothing to prove her beef status. 

On their way to Jonas's apartment, Carl and Hoodsey finish the tail-end of their anecdote about why Buzz would fuck a cantaloupe (what else could the conversation be about?) and then they break in. Jonas's dog, Ben, pounces on Hoodsey, claiming him as his new, ahem, "friend."

"Stop it! Stop it! You can at least buy me dinner or something." - Hoodsey

Carl finds that the pictures of Doctor Dave and "the other woman" have already been developed, and immediately jumps to conclusions that he's cheating on Lois. You know, I'd think the roles would be reversed here. Since Carl thinks so highly of Doctor Dave, you'd think he would be the one defending the hell out of him while Hoodsey would be the anxious one. I wonder why it's not like that. I guess it's so that Carl wouldn't be too obsessed with Doctor Dave.

In the back of the bakery, Doctor Dave's mother, Niki, the baker, and travel agent go through the next part of their plan to break up the wedding. Doctor Dave's mother steals Lois's ring and gives it to Niki to pose with so that she can take pictures of "Diane" "accepting" Doctor Dave's "proposal." I don't see how this is supposed to work. Even if Lois saw these pictures, why would she think Doctor Dave would propose to another woman, knowing that he's about to marry Lois in a couple of days? Lois should know that something is up.

Simone seeks Miranda for advice on Darren and Ginger, which is the absolute worst thing you can do. Simone would honestly be better off getting advice from Dodie.

Hey look, Kapnek Krunch!

They're Gingerly delicious!

Carl and Hoodsey discuss what to do about the evidence they found, but manage to hide the discussion when Lois slithers in with a hangover. And then Blake comes over with a proposition--dressed in a dowdy beige jacket (since Noelle took his sporty navy blazer), he asks if Lois could lower the price on their house a little, since Claire is interested (not necessarily interested, but more like needing) in buying the Foutley house. Carl and Hoodsey are shocked to hear this coming out of Blake's own mouth, but here it is, in the same 1940s transatlantic accent, except more desperate and defeated instead of confident and snooty. Poor kid. I really feel sorry for him. 

How can you not cry with him?

During the rehearsal, Carl decides that Lois's love for Doctor Dave is more important, so he decides to ignore his suspicions about Doctor Dave cheating on Lois.

Ginger pops into Lois's room right as she's finishing up her wedding vows. She asks Ginger to read them and make any necessary changes. The vows start off kind of sweetly silly, but then they quickly delve into something truly heartwarming that it makes you want to scream into the sky, "Why, oh why do nasty people want to break them apart?" Because quite honestly, we never got a reason why Doctor Dave's mother hates Lois so damn much, the only clue being that she's not Diane Francis. While Carl listens at the door, Ginger asks Lois how she knew Dave was her true love, and Lois says she just knows. She says love is something you have to trust and leap into blindly, because that's part of what life is all about--taking risks.

"You know, we're not put on this Earth to live perfect lives where we never get hurt or we never make mistakes. We're put here to hurl ourselves headfirst into this crazy world, and the bruises and scrapes you get along the way, they just mean you're living life." - Lois

And once again, a talk with Lois gives Ginger the confidence to take a chance with her life, and that could mean a medley of things at this point. No, but really, Ginger is about to ask Mr. Blue-balling Constellation out.

So, the next morning is the day we've all been waiting for: Lois and Doctor Dave's wedding day. People are starting to gather in the church. In the front row, Ginger sits with Orion, their hands interlocked. I honestly can't tell which relationship is worse--both Darren and Orion are assholes in their own ways, so I can't stand seeing Ginger with either of them.

Before Darren can stare too long at the back of Ginger's head lovingly, Simone walks in (in a very pretty green dress) with slightly more attitude than before and plops down right next to Darren. Darren is surprised to see her, mainly because he doesn't want her there.

Before this point, I don't know why Darren didn't just break up with Simone. It's obvious he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

Not only does Doctor Dave's mother show up to wreck this beautiful occasion, look who else decides to show up, uninvited:

You know, maybe it's because I haven't actually seen this movie in a while, but I really don't understand how every little plan up until this moment to ruin Lois and Doctor Dave's wedding has been successful--and I use that term lightly because the four snotty bitches really didn't do anything. I mean, did Lois even notice her engagement ring was missing? Certainly Doctor Dave's mother wouldn't be so kind as to put it back on her finger. Other than the fact that Lois had a cake-induced hangover the night before, neither Lois nor Doctor Dave have really been thwarted. Sign them up for a dull honeymoon? How is that supposed to ruin them? Pretending Doctor Dave has a side chick? Lois still has no idea. You know, if you're trying to trick someone into believing their honey is sleeping around with some other piece of beef, it would be helpful to get them in on the lie so that they can be devastated to your delight. Lois was totally out of the loop this entire plan, and I don't understand it.

As wealthy as Doctor Dave is, you're telling me the only organ player he could find was Ms. Zorski, and the only choir boy available was Higsby? Oh, dear. I can see maybe Ms. Zorski is a good organist, but why, oh why hire Higsby to sing at your wedding?!

The girls get Lois into her wedding dress and shoes right before she's set to start walking down the aisle. And then Lois hugs Dodie and Macie, saying that they're like her adopted daughters. Oh, how this moment could be sweeter if only Dodie especially was more likable. I'm just surprised Dodie isn't jealous that this wedding isn't all about her.

So, the ceremony begins, starting with Dodie and Macie--the only bridesmaids in the entire wedding--walking down the aisle, and--wait--are those prison inmates sitting in the back row? What the hell?

I bet they're only here for the buffet. Let's hope they specified beef or chicken.

Then Ginger walks down the aisle, and we get a better shot of everyone who came. Courtney and Blake are even in attendance, but are dressed in ratty clothing. Look, I know they're poor now, but that doesn't mean they have to act like it. Certainly, they could go to Target and buy a dress and suit for the wedding. They may not be getting their clothes from the south of France anymore, but jeez, have they lost all identity? Being poor is not the end of the world. Show some dignity, you two.

And so, it's time for Lois to walk down the aisle. Carl escorts her. Why am I not surprised? I suppose the animators didn't want to waste money drawing new family members and adding new voices. This happens so often in TV shows and movies, you probably didn't even notice it. I refuse to believe that Lois is the only adult relative Carl and Ginger have.

By the way, those inmates? They're escorting Mr. Gripling. I had thought they were friends of Carl's prison pen pal and would have totally believed it.

As soon as the pastor says "If anyone knows why these two should not be married, speak now..." yadda yadda yadda, all hell breaks loose. To my surprise, Doctor Dave's mother doesn't jump up so fast she breaks her hip. Niki as Diane raises her hand first, saying that she and Doctor Dave are still in love, proving it with the photo of "Diane" tripping herself and falling into the Doc's arms. And then Jonas runs up there with his reasons, and even Hoodsey wants to join in. It's just, oh, it's a mess.

Before things get too crazy, Noelle shows up with the real Diane Francis. I wonder how she managed to get a hold of her. And so, the entire plot is starting to unravel. I bet the people in the pews are thinking this is more forcefully dramatic than an entire Bridesmaids marathon.

And then Noelle pulls back the wigs to reveal that *trumpet sounding* Niki LaPorte is actually Nicholas. Really? Really now? A transvestite? Just... why?

I will say one thing... he makes a very convincing hideous woman.

Okay, so why is Niki a man in the first place? Was that supposed to make the situation funnier? The blame for this whole shtick is traced unsurprisingly back to Doctor Dave's "poor, incontinent" mother. Ew. Did not need to know that. And then Lois faints. Doctor Dave isn't messing around anymore. For the first time in, probably ever, he puts his foot down and stands up to his bitch excuse for a mother, kicks her out of his life, and she leaves with a shrug. Good on you, Doctor Dave! I knew you'd come around!

And then the dog comes back for the third time, and Carl recognizes him to be Monster. Hey, I was right! The unseen Monster has finally returned! On his way to pounce on Carl, he knocks Doctor Dave's mother over, breaking her hip. Yes! And then Carl gets a lick down from his long, lost puppers.

Monster licks Lois awake, and the wedding slowly crawls back to normal. Doctor Dave proposes to Lois once again, to make sure she still wants to marry him after all this, and she accepts. And thus, the wedding goes on, closing out with a painful song in Higsby's annoying little voice. When will this kid hit puberty already?

To close out this movie, we have a voiceover from an older Ginger reading the last few pages of her newly-published book, As Told by Ginger, which is revealed to have been a collection of short stories from her childhood, the entire series. We get to see the main cast about ten years in the future. Doctor Dave is there with Lois, old and graying. Carl is a news reporter. Hoodsey stays fat. Dodie and Chet appear to be married (and with a Dodie spawn, oh God). How the hell did Dodie find a husband willing to take her on as a wife? Macie is there, looking sweet as ever, and Darren is at the end with a red-headed black baby. Ginger's baby. 

Where is Courtney, though? Is she not there because she was never really Ginger's friend? It would have been nice to to see where she ended up. It also would have been nice to see Ginger with a better husband, but hey, toxic relationships rule. 

You know, I really hoped that this ending would have been different. Ginger managed to keep Dodie around through adulthood, so I have no sympathy if anything goes wrong in her life because of Dodie. But who knows? Maybe Dodie ended up a decent human being after all. I sincerely hope so. 

And then Ginger closes her book. Notice how the front cover shows the pilot Ginger. And that's it, folks, that's the life of a teenage girl growing up with friends, family, and first love. A collection of short stories As Told by Ginger.

Lessons Learned From This Series: nothing worth having ever comes easy; the only way to live life is to deal with it straight on; the people who love you most will stand by your side.