Season 3, Episode 57: "Ten Chairs"

Ginger nearly dies again when trying to grab a box of Thanksgiving decorations from a high shelf in the garage. All the little cornucopias and turkey figurines scatter the floor, but that's not as important as the golden platter Ginger catches in one fell swoop.

Carl comes into the garage dressed like a pilgrim, and he looks quite adorable. He searches the tool box for a wrench to help Doctor Dave fix up the pressure fryer, so I assume they're going to be deep-frying a turkey for Thanksgiving. As intelligent as Doctor Dave is, I would think he'd stray from this dangerous method of cooking. All over the news every year, I hear of people nearly blowing their limbs off from deep-frying their turkey--mostly from people who have no business being in the kitchen in the first place.

Apparently, the platter belongs to Jonas and his family, and must have forgotten to take it with him when he abandoned his wife and kids some ten years ago. Already, we can tell Carl is still sore from Jonas being a deadbeat, and yes, Jonas will be appearing in this episode. Let's just get that out of the way.

So now, Carl and Hoodsey are vegan all of a sudden, but Carl is happy to help Doctor Dave set up the pressure fryer anyway. Doctor Dave laments the fact that he's a star surgeon, but a caveman when it comes to mechanical devices.

"Ooh, that's hot!" - Doctor Dave

And now, Doctor Dave isn't allowed to touch the fancy machinery.

We learn that the Bishops are coming over for Thanksgiving, mostly because Lois feels guilty for Carl possibly breaking Joann's arm by accident. And then Ginger asks if she can invite one more person, to which she keeps a "surprise" from Lois. Because she knows Lois wouldn't want Jonas in her house on Thanksgiving, but decides to sneak behind her back anyway. How selfish! Why oh why do I have a feeling this won't go down well? She goes to Jonas's apartment and invites him over, but Jonas is skeptical of how Lois and Carl would feel about him being there, intruding on their Jonas-free life with the wealthy Doctor Dave about to swoop in and claim them under his name. Of course, Ginger lies and says her mother and brother would be pleased to have him, because even Ginger knows it's a bad idea. Almost as bad as inviting Joann back to the once mold-filled house to eat food.

So, Carl and Hoodsey aren't really subjecting themselves to this alternative lifestyle of meatlessness--Carl says it'll help them "cleanse their karma" by going vegan and wants to urge everyone else to do the same. Oh, jeez. This reminds me of that one episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when Marie and Debra go on a health kick and try to get their family to eat a tofurkey (tofu turkey), much to everyone else's disgust.

It's funny how Carl claims he's an atheist, yet believes in karma, a key part of Buddhism and Hinduism. Then again, the word karma has evolved to be secular-- it's become so misused that it is often used as an alternative way to say "an eye for an eye." Does that mean Carl believes his entire species will eventually become another animal's national holiday dish?

The boys go up to the guy selling turkeys and ask for a live turkey to set free. It's adorable how Carl and Hoodsey think they can save the world from animal cruelty by saving one turkey out of the hundreds of millions globally.

Ginger writes in her journal about how she feels sorry for Jonas that he would have been alone on Thanksgiving if she hadn't invited him. She realizes it was ridiculous to invite him under false pretenses, barely considering how uncomfortable the entire dinner is going to be now. She hears Carl and Hoodsey sneaking their live turkey into the doghouse (she doesn't know exactly what's going on, though), and boy does the turkey look PISSED. It destroys the doghouse and most of its contents, including scarfing down Carl's petrified eyeball. Oh, that is disgusting!

No! Not the eyeball!

There's a loud crash coming from downstairs. At first, I thought it was the turkey escaping and going to hunt down Carl for his own eyeballs, but it turns out to be Doctor Dave's mother breaking in with a turkey of her own. Lois finds her in the kitchen--at 4 in the morning, mind you, ready to shove her turkey into the oven. Lois tells her that they already have a turkey ready to be deep-fried, but Doctor Dave's mother would rather eat something she touched and stuffed herself, because she is a bitch.

That turkey should have tinfoil over it to keep it from drying out. And the legs should be tied together to prevent spillage of stuffing. And she's cooking for 10 hours. This old bag doesn't know the first thing about cooking.

She also "sampled" all of Lois's pies (why would she need that many in the first place?) by sticking her finger in each one. Ew, I don't even want to think about where those fingers might have been. Instead of throwing the old bag out of her house, Lois bites her tongue and drowns her frustrations in large cups of coffee. Hmm, I thought she was kicking that habit.

As Carl feeds the manic turkey, Hoodsey leaves to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV.

Doctor Dave's mother surprisingly shows a pinch of sympathy when Ginger mentions her guest (AKA Jonas) doesn't have anywhere else to go for Thanksgiving. Lois says he's happy to come, and then Doctor Dave's mother reverts back into bitch mode by saying Lois shouldn't just allow anyone to walk into her house off the streets. And then Lois goes into the kitchen to mash every potato that vaguely resembles Doctor Dave's mother's face.

And so, the Bishops arrive.

"Oh, good. Now your mother will have another crone to play with." - Lois

Lois tries to make nice with Doctor Dave's mother by introducing her to the Bishops, but Doctor Dave's mother ignores them to continue watching TV. Honestly, we get that you hate Lois, you bitch. You don't need to give Joann another reason to continue talking shit about Lois and her family.

Dodie notices there are ten chairs at the dining table instead of nine, and asks Ginger who the extra chair is for. Ginger confides in Dodie that it's for Jonas. Surprisingly, this conversation puts Dodie in the right and Ginger in the wrong. Yeah, I was blown away, too. Dodie makes an excellent point about how this is Lois's first Thanksgiving with her soon-to-be husband, and for Ginger to invite her mother's ex-husband is disastrous at the very least. Okay, who are you, and what have you done with the real Dodie Bishop? I'd love to add you to the main cast and keep the real Dodie locked away in whatever cage you have her in. We'll slide her food twice a day and make sure to change her newspapers.

Ginger is me, realizing that Dodie is actually making sense for once.

The doorbell rings, and it's Jonas. You can cut the tension with a razor blade as soon as Jonas steps inside. Doctor Dave's mother, of course, makes snide comments about Jonas being invited over despite being Lois's ex, Lois looks like she wants to kick Ginger's ass, and Carl gets so upset that he calls Doctor Dave "Dad" right in front of Jonas. The Bishop clan is the only group who seems oblivious to the situation, especially since half of them know Jonas is Lois's ex-husband. Perhaps they're just trying to keep the peace. I'm surprised Joann is relatively humane.

Ginger chases after Carl so she can chew him out for being so rude, but Carl refuses to see Jonas as anything but the bearer of half his chromosomes. He doesn't give a shit that he made Jonas feel awful in front of everybody, because he's not a father like Doctor Dave is. Look, I understand Carl is entitled to his feelings about Jonas and Doctor Dave, but it was very immature of him to disregard Jonas like that as if Jonas beat him as a baby or something. There's honestly no reason for Carl to resent Jonas in this regard. At least Jonas is making an effort to be part of the family. While I wish we could have gotten an episode or at least a B-plot on why Jonas left in the first place, I can't help but to feel bad for the guy. Yes, he made a mistake in the past by just upping and leaving, but until we get more to the story (we're not going to, though it would have been much appreciated), I'm siding with Jonas.

Poor Doctor Dave is put in an awkward position that this kid is calling him "Dad" in front of his actual father. That's got to be uncomfortable as hell. I wonder how much eggnog it's going to take for Lois to numb her anxiety over her ex-husband and soon-to-be husband in the same household.

Ginger goes back inside after losing the argument and--uh oh... the turkey got loose.

Wouldn't someone have heard the turkey getting out?

Lois keeps her cool as she quietly scolds Ginger on her choice of guest. Ginger throws back what Lois had said earlier about how the holidays are meant for people to come together, but Lois's point about how there are more feelings to consider than just her own hits the nail on the head. Basically, Ginger only invited Jonas because she wanted him there, and didn't care that Lois, Carl, and Doctor Dave would be uncomfortable with it. I suspect that Ginger wishes Lois and Jonas would get back together instead of Lois marrying Doctor Dave.

But you know what? I cannot understand why.

Here's the thing: Jonas left shortly after Carl was born, right? And since Carl is only 2-3 years younger than Ginger, Ginger couldn't have even been in preschool yet by the time Jonas left. While, yes, Ginger had more time spent with Jonas, it's highly unlikely she would have remembered any of their bonding. So, we know Ginger barely even knew who Jonas was during the time of his marriage to Lois. So why is she supposedly so attached to him now?

We know Ginger has been seeing Jonas sporadically over the course of her life. Once or twice a year, I suppose. That's certainly not enough time to develop a relationship with a parent. There must be something about Jonas that Ginger admires--something we haven't seen--because it seems like Ginger wants Jonas as a father more than Doctor Dave. There's nothing Jonas says or does that shows he's any more worthy of a father than Doctor Dave is. Honestly, I don't even remember a time where Ginger spent any time with Doctor Dave, other than when he yanked out her bleeding appendix a few episodes back. They never had any on-screen conversations, never shown any similar interests, and probably don't know anything about each other any more than what Lois might have mentioned. I honestly have no idea how Ginger views Doctor Dave, but it cannot be very highly, considering they have virtually no interaction whatsoever. Is this a lazy way of showing why Ginger favors Jonas more than Doctor Dave?

Lois comes back with fresh eggnog, and tells Jonas she wishes she could have spiked it. Wow, how did THAT get past the censors?!

Jonas fires up the pressure fryer (which is WAY too close to the house), and then we cut to the families eating Lois's pretzel salad, which Joann compliments Lois on. Really, why is she being so humane?! I like it! Doctor Dave's mother keeps making bitchy comments about Jonas being Lois's ex-husband that's unbelievably rude and uncalled for, when the deep-fried turkey suddenly comes flying in through the window and across the table.

Okay, how would that happen unless the top of the pressure flyer was pointed directly at that window? And that thing was screwed on tight. Unless Doctor Dave pulled it out of the deep-fryer and hurled it through the window at his mother to shut her up, I can't see how that would happen like that. By the way--I can't believe I forgot to mention this: Why would Doctor Dave invite his mother over to Lois's house again when he knows she's going to shit-talk her and everything she does or doesn't do? Does he have to bring her? Why doesn't he say anything to her? I never understood this. It's not like Doctor Dave is some kid who has to stay with his crotchety mother. He's a grown man and should make his own decisions. Including telling her to stop making everyone uncomfortable with all her insults.

Oh yeah, that's right. This show is the quintessential PSA for staying in toxic relationships.

Anyway, the turkey ends up knocking Joann out of her chair for some reason (just to hurt her more since she has that broken arm, I suppose), and thus, everyone is forced to eat Doctor Dave's mother's turkey that's dryer than her vag.

I'm not kidding--you can see the look on everyone's face that they totally abhor her turkey. I told you to cover it in tin foil! I also questioned leaving it in the oven for 10 hours! So now, there are two ruined turkeys. If I were them, I'd just call up the local Popeye's and order a bucket of fried chicken to go with the meal (personally, I prefer Popeye's over KFC).

As Carl explains why he and Hoodsey no longer eat meat, you can see the manic turkey climbing the stairs:

How no one notices this is beyond me.

More insults from the old bag are thrown across the table (Seriously, someone tell her to shut her pie-hole or kick her out already! Even Dodie isn't this awful to people!). And then, as an act of rebellion against Lois's supposedly stale marshmallows in the yams, Doctor Dave munches on a yam, and then kisses Lois. If that's the extent of Doctor Dave's backbone, there's no hope for him surviving in the Foutley clan.

Methinks Jonas still has some feelings left for Lois.

Jonas makes conversation with Doctor Dave's mother about how she should go into the turkey jerky business, since Doctor Dave blew up the pressure fryer, but he meant that as a joke. Carl retorts back that it wasn't a funny joke, and that "grandma's" turkey is wonderful, so he takes a bite out of it, ending his 17 minute-long veganism. And then Hoodsey joins in after he learns all of Carl's talk of cleansing their souls was a bunch of hoopla. He calls Doctor Dave's mother's turkey dry, which comes as a surprise to the she-beast, but chickenshit Doctor Dave deflects that comment. I wonder what happened the last time he insulted his mother or called her out on anything. I bet she rammed an egg beater up his ass and pulsed his spine into the wet noodle that it is today. Hey, look at that--he and Ginger finally have something in common!

The turkey Carl and Hoodsey were keeping hostage is making noise, so the boys go out to investigate. Meanwhile, Carl tells Hoodsey that Ginger should have never invited Jonas over since it's not fair to Doctor Dave. Hoodsey mentions that it doesn't even seem like he cares Jonas is there, and that he's more upset about his turkey that shot glass shards at everyone's faces.

And then we cut back to the dining room, where the turkey has everyone cornered.

The turkey takes a bite out of Joann's arm cast right as Joann starts reverting back to her old self. Doctor Dave's mother makes a remark about how turkeys should be eaten, and I guess this turkey is sentient now because he reacts by attacking the living shit out of her. Right on!

The turkey ends off biting part of her ear off (what is it with this turkey eating body parts?!) though the animation does not show this. Probably too gory for children. Doctor Dave takes his mother to the ER, the Bishops high-tail it out of the Foutley house, and Jonas wrestles the turkey to the ground, stuffing him back into the doghouse. What's the point? He escaped there once--what makes you think he won't do it again?

After the turkey is nailed back into the doghouse, Jonas remarks that he remembers when they (as in, he and Carl) built the doghouse for Monster. How, if he left when Carl was just born? Certainly he didn't come back when Carl was a child and agree to build it with him. Continuity error!

After everything is calm, Jonas comes in to talk to Carl, and tries his damn hardest to get Carl to realize that things happen in life, and that it was easier if he and Lois divorced rather than stayed married and hated each other. He finally breaks through to Carl a little bit, and they agree to go wash dishes together before Lois gets back from the ER with Doctor Dave and his mother.

Ginger is finally happy Carl and Jonas are getting along. In her voiceover, she says that it's pointless to try to create the perfect family, since that doesn't exist, but instead embrace the imperfections. Because they're the only family you have until you can marry and create your own.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: don't invite people over if their presence will make other family members uncomfortable; don't go vegan to "cleanse your karma;" consider others' feelings when making important decisions involving other people