Season 3, Episode 53: "Kiss Today Goodbye"

The following episode is narrated by Dodie, and is the sequel to "Detention" as well as the prequel to "A Lesson in Tightropes" and "Dodie's Big Break." This, and the next two episodes, I must warn, are heavier than usual in drama. Not to mention, they have a different "feel" than previous episodes.

Also, keep in mind that this review will be a little longer than previous reviews, as there is so much to say.

A significant amount of time has passed between "Detention" and this episode. Dodie is up in the bleachers alone after classes have ended. In her voiceover, she narrates a letter she's writing, regarding it as "the most difficult letter [she] ever had to write." What she's writing about really isn't "difficult" as much as "uncomfortable," but it's Dodie, so bear with me.

Dodie flashes us back to one of Darren's football games, noting how she, Macie, and Ginger were there. She and Macie were cheering on the team, while Ginger wasn't paying much attention to Darren or the game at all, and was instead doodling out of boredom.

Macie had to nudge Ginger's arm to get her attention, because Darren was trying to catch her eyes. Unfortunately, his face falls when he notices Ginger's apathy. Ginger eventually looks up and waves at Darren, but it's half-assed considering Ginger should have been paying attention all this time. Keep in mind here that Dodie says that she believes this was "a turning point in their many years" of friendship. If you haven't guessed by now, this letter is for Darren.

Cut to the locker room, where Dodie is skipping around like a two-year-old engorged with Red Dye #40, and trips and falls over Ginger's lap. Serves you right.

What's with that dorky get-up, Dodie?

Apparently, Dodie was practicing figure skating because all the pep squad girls are doing it for their cheers. Let me ask you something, Dodie: if all the pep squad girls were in a pool and pulled several cats in with them, endured several hundred scratches, and then the girls got out and leaped into another pool filled with concentrated lemon juice, would you do it, too? After all, it's supposed to help with pain tolerance!

Ginger mentions that she's not even on the pep squad yet, but Dodie is so damn certain she will be called. Riiight. Keep dreaming, Bishop. Oh, and it's mentioned that Ginger is now in a rock band. Say what? Yeah, she and Orion are in a band now. Oh, and Macie is thinking of breaking up with Andrew. Seriously? You know, there should have been at least one more episode in between "Detention" and this one just to introduce us to these new pivotal moments. To have this new information thrown in your face is jarring. I like to be eased into these things. Plus, I would have loved to see a scene with Macie on her first date. Squee!

Dodie goes into Coach Candace's office and begs her to be an alternate for the squad. Coach doesn't back down for Bishop, and sticks to her "no-freshmen-on-the-squad" rule. It's kind of ageist, I know, but she probably does it for a good reason. Like to weed out desperate chicks like Dodie who will only bring the squad down.

Coach Candace really doesn't want to be bothered during her incredibly short lunch hour, but because Dodie managed to push her way into her office despite all the locks and alligator-filled moats, she learns that Coach Candace doesn't have a lot of time on her hands, and is struggling to stay on her low-carb diet. Ever notice in some cartoons how the skinniest of sticks will be like, "Oh, I need to lose some weight!" Anyway, Dodie would jump into a pool of lemon juice with gashes all over her body a thousand times just to be able to sniff those pom-poms, so she agrees to make Coach Candace's lunches for her. Are students even allowed to do that?

This brown-noser even managed to snag a list of Coach Candace's food aversions from Stuart Higsby (?!). Ginger, after hearing about all this, is basically like, "You are a sick, twisted kiss-up and should be ashamed of yourself. Doing all this just to go "yay!" at a stupid football game!" Naturally, Dodie responds with a snip about not letting Darren hear Ginger calling him "stupid." Way to twist Ginger's words around. Considering Darren knows how much Ginger hates football, I doubt he'd even give a shit.

Dodie asks Lois if she could borrow her food scale, so Lois ends up having to go through her entire kitchen for just that one appliance. Thus, she concludes the Foutleys-soon-to-be-Daves need a bigger house.

"Or maybe just fewer impulse buys." - Macie

Surprisingly, Ginger and Carl are perfectly okay with moving up, probably because they're sick of living in the same ugly house for so many years. I would have expected at least some nostalgic memories keeping the kids reluctant to move, but nope. It's just, yeah, okay, let's do it. And so, Lois decides to go house hunting. Carl decides to join her, as real estate is "tricky." Not that I don't think Carl would be of any help in choosing a new house, but shouldn't Doctor Dave go with Lois? Or why not all four of them since they'll all be living in it?

Back in Coach Candace's office, Dodie does an amazing job cooking lunch for her crabby coach, and even becomes her own personal secretary. Is there a stronger idiom I can use? Because brown-noser no longer fits here.

During cheerleading practice, Dodie and Coach Candace watch as the girls perform cheers. Look at this girl--Dodie is treating this woman like she's her slave--holding a sun umbrella over her head, holding a quenching soda for her... how pathetic, even for Dodie's standards. Simone doesn't hold back for shit about her crush on Darren when she instructs the squad to perform a cheer in his name. One of the girls "sprains" her ankle (I put it in quotations because how do you get a sprain by just standing there and waving your arms?) Coach tells Dodie to go get some ice, so Dodie makes an olympic run back to the school for some. She even leaves behind a trail of dust from running so fast! And just when I think Dodie can't get any more pathetic!

All the girls are super impressed with Dodie's groveling, which is useless considering Dodie wants to be able to see how impressed they are.

Orion flirts with Ginger in the halls trying to sneak a peek at her new song, but Ginger isn't spoiling the surprise. She sees Dodie making a scene running down the halls with a first aid kit and asks for Darren's whereabouts, but Dodie rolls her eyes and tells her he'll be at the football field in half an hour. Ginger was hoping Darren could walk her home, but Orion offers to take Ginger instead on his scooter by saying, "I'll ride you." Whoa there, hormonal hurricane. Back that boner up off of her. I believe the term you're looking for is "I'll give you a ride."

Dodie gets back to the field to find that the girl with the sprained ankle is fine, and no medical attention is needed. So, Coach Candace made Dodie run all the way into the school and back for nothing? Just to exploit her desperation? I think I like this coach! So, cheer practice is now over, and the football team is ready to go. As soon as Simone sees Darren, she runs up to him and starts flirting with him, only for Darren to pose and flex in return. This causes Dodie to drop a bunch of waterbottles for dramatic effect.

I'm not sure what else is going on between Darren and Simone besides Simone flirting and Darren flexing, but it looks to me like something is going on between them.

So, according to Dodie, Darren is cheating on Ginger with Simone. From what we know of their interactions, this might be possible, but it's not completely clear whether Darren and Simone have gone further than this scene or not (Have they kissed? Had phone sex? Skyped until 3 in the morning showing each other their own personal "moves?"), so I personally don't know for sure if this is infidelity or Darren being friendly. But this could be teetering on the infidelity side, kind of like how Ginger and Orion interact. Then again, Orion hasn't openly admitted his crush on Ginger. You know what? Let's move on.

The scene then cuts back to the beginning of the episode where Dodie is writing her letter to Darren. She says she probably should have just minded her own business (but she never, ever does, so I don't know why she'd even mention it) but it's because they've been friends for so long that she kept quiet. Oh? Then where's your excuse every time you blabbed one of Ginger's secrets?! She calls Macie that night asking for advice (she leaves Darren's name out of it), and Macie suspects that Dodie is talking about her boyfriend, Andrew, who Macie now suspects "has his eye on another." Why does Macie keep making quips about Andrew's bad eye? Yeah, that first joke she made back in junior high: "His one good eye is all over me," was kind of funny, but now every chance Macie gets, she makes fun of this poor guy's eye every time he comes up in conversation. I feel so bad for this kid. I wonder if this is the reason why she's breaking up with him.

Ginger calls Dodie and asks if she told Darren she got a "ride" home with Orion. Why don't you call Darren and tell him, Ginger? Anyway, Dodie struggles to tell Ginger about the little flirty interaction Darren had with Simone, which turns into Dodie complaining that Ginger isn't in love with pep as much as she is. Ugh, can this conversation end already?

The next day, Coach Candace makes Dodie wash all the girls' cheer uniforms. Ha! Laundry duty! Dodie is officially their slave.

When Dodie goes down to the basement, she crashes into Darren, who's talking to Simone. Darren introduces Simone to Dodie, who kind of know each other already, obviously. Simone says since Dodie is one of Darren's best friends, she hopes she'll be one of her best friends, too. Aww, that's sweet. Too bad Simone doesn't know the Dodie beyond the friendly desperation. Simone notices Dodie got stuck with laundry duty and shows her where the washing machine is, which comes off as a surprise to Dodie who had no idea there even was one. Yes--Dodie is stupid enough to wash all these girls' uniforms by hand. You'd think, considering she didn't know about the washer in the school basement, she'd toss them in the washing machine at home and bring the back the next day. As Red Forman would say, "Dumbass."

Simone says goodbye to Darren as she walks Dodie to the washing machine, and Darren makes googly eyes at Simone. Uh oh.

Lois takes Carl--dressed in a snazzy blazer--to see the first house on their list. A literal dump covered in ravens that's been falling apart for who knows how long. Lois is delusional--why she'd even consider touring here is beyond me, and it doesn't look like she has plans to fix it up. She boasts about how it was once owned by a Russian mystique as well as a descendant of Grigori Rasputin.

Oh, come on. This is too goofy for this kind of show.

Carl is scared away by the unsanitary, and frankly creepy, conditions of the house, so he ushers Lois away and to the next house on the list. Wow, I don't know what's stranger--the house or Carl's disgust for it.

Ginger comes over to Dodie's house to try to "understand her love for pep," and after a few cheers, Ginger is mildly impressed. Hoodsey is, too, who's standing outside Dodie's door clapping. Ha.

Dodie is totally elated at this point, because for once, the popular girls actually don't mind being around her. Not because they actually like her, but because if they asked Dodie to stick her tongue in an electrical socket, she'd do it... twice. Dodie gives all her thanks to Simone to getting her into the world of "popularity," even though all Simone did was treat her like a human being. Nothing special, really.

Simone mentions that she's totally wet for Darren, which sends Dodie into a state of panic. Even more, Simone asks Dodie to tell her everything about Darren so she can be prepared to ask him out. Oh, good! This is the perfect opportunity for Dodie to tell Simone that Darren already has arm candy, albeit the unsupportive, sugar-free kind. It would be wonderful if Dodie could just say those four simple words that would make Simone back off and end this episode with Carl and Lois continuing their house hunt. Wouldn't it be great if the world worked that way? Unfortunately, it doesn't. Dodie runs off instead with a heart attack, "forgetting" that she had to "feed her ferret."

In Dodie's voiceover, Dodie mentions that she could have just spilled the whole thing right then and there and told Darren what was going on, but she held back because Simone is her golden ticket to her "pep career." Do I even need to comment on how absolutely fucking selfish that is?! Dodie is more concerned about losing her non-existent opportunity to say "Yay!" at football games than the tearing in her so-called best friends' relationship? You know, maybe I need to go to Dodie's house to understand her love of pep. Because I really cannot--I honestly want to know why popularity is so Goddamn important to this girl and why she needs so much attention and validation in the first place.

The next day, Ginger sees Darren outside school after what feels like forever. And then the scene cuts to this:

I'm considering starting a "Best Out-of-Context" photo gallery at the conclusion of this blog in addition to the "Ugly Dodie Faces" collection.

So, Macie uses this opportunity to break up with Andrew. I hope she at least looks him in the good eye.

So, the Gods of Nickelodeon allowed Dodie one more chance to tell Simone that Darren is dating Ginger. Simone even encourages her to spill her big secret about Darren, otherwise she'll never teach her another cheer again (she says this in a friendly manner, by the way), but chicken-shit Dodie lies and says that Darren has a pet ferret, too, and runs away. Because it's so hard to tell someone that their crush is taken. Don't you just want to shake Dodie by the neck until it pops off and we can extract those words from her brain and shove them through her teeth and out of her giant, purple mouth?

For those of you who are both confused as to why Dodie refuses to tell Simone the truth and want to punt her in the face with a rusty chainsaw, Dodie's afraid that she'll "anger" Simone if she told her that Darren has a girlfriend, fearful that it'll hurt her chances of getting on the squad. This kind of thinking bypasses all logic, but I don't want to dwell on that too long because there is no such thing as logic when it comes to Dodie. Only Dodie can have an emotional breakdown over this--I sincerely wish she could run straight into the school psychiatrist's office instead of to her locker.

Hopefully, if Simone does decide to ask Darren out,  he would say he's dating Ginger. Now, that would be a reason for Simone to get mad--getting all pumped up to ask out the man of her dreams, only to realize Dodie kept vital information about his dating status from her.

Ginger comes up to Dodie and confesses that something strange is going on with Darren, and thus, Dodie explodes into melodramatic goo and runs home.

The second house Lois and Carl tour is a castle, complete with mossy walls and a complementary old man fast asleep in one of the bed chambers who has his meals delivered through a tiny window twenty feet high. Where the hell is Lois finding these houses?! Not anywhere near White Anglo-Saxon Protestant nuclear Sheltered Shrubs neighborhoods, I know that!

Carl stomps out, demanding that the Foutleys need a home, not a "house of horrors," so, Lois takes him to a modern glass house to look at. Carl is much more impressed with this. After touring the house for a bit, he asks Lois if she was seriously considering those previous homes, to which Lois admits no. She figured Carl would get bored looking at real houses, so she took him to the weird "houses" for fun. Carl, in a rare moment of sincere maturity, tells Lois that, although he loved the weird houses, he wouldn't have been bored looking at actual contenders, and was actually looking forward to finding a real home for the four of them. You know, as his last duty as the "man of the house" before Doctor Dave steps in. Lois is so touched, because all she wanted to do was spend more time with Carl, and now she knows they can do it for real. I love you, Carl. You're such a sweetheart. The only time a child should make his mother cry is when he brings her remarkable joy.

Ginger sits outside playing the first verse of her new song. "Splinter in my Heart," I believe. It's pretty obvious by the lyrics that the song is about Darren. Now I know why she didn't want Orion to see it. Dodie approaches her and listens for a bit. And honestly, the zooming in and out makes this scene much more dramatic than it needs to be.

Right as Dodie is about to chicken out on revealing the news to Ginger, Simone approaches them and tells Dodie that Coach Candace wants her to introduce the cheer squad at tonight's game. It's not an acceptance into the squad, as Simone reassures, but it's a start. Dodie creams her panties in excitement and cartwheels away. So, what about that thing you had to tell Ginger, Dodie? "Forgot" because you were "so excited?" Congratulations on getting what you want instead of trying to fix the problem you practically caused. Bitch.

During that night's game, the announcer (before Dodie) reads some light announcements, including a break-up letter from Macie to Andrew. Holy hell, talk about embarrassing! Surprisingly, Andrew doesn't seem to mind. Whatever. Anyway, Chet is seen in the background handing Darren a letter (the one from Dodie) and Darren reads it while Dodie gets her own personal spotlight for twenty seconds.

It would have been funny if the crowd started booing her and throwing hot dogs.

At the very end, Dodie's voiceover comes over, which is actually a line in the letter to Darren: "So in the end, I just couldn't be responsible for that splinter in her heart." And she encourages Darren to come clean with Ginger about Simone. Meanwhile, I believe Ginger already speculates the connection between Darren and Simone.

While I do agree that it's not Dodie's responsibility to tell Ginger about Simone, Dodie could have done something, considering she knew what was going on. I already explained my disgust with her soggy noodle of a backbone for being too scared to say something so inconceivably simple. And I'm also disgusted with Darren for flirting with Simone behind Ginger's back. It's like he didn't even want to make time for Ginger anymore. So, really, I blame both Darren and Dodie for this. Both could have said something. Both should have said something. Both stayed silent in fear of hurting themselves. And now, people, you understand why I hate Darren.

I wonder how Lucky High did that night considering their star player suddenly felt the wave of guilt on his already heavy shoulders.



Lessons Learned From This Episode: Speak up when your friend is being stabbed in the heart; Carl should be everyone's role model; apparently, being popular is more important than being honest (Dodie would make a great politician, then).