Season 3, Episode 49: "Heat Lightning"

Greetings! Hope my fellow Americans' 4th of July weekend was fantastic! And for all my international fans, hope your weekend was still just as fun (if not better!) In honor of all the summertime revelries, we're up to "Heat Lightning" this week.

On a side note, a big shout-out to NoParking Berry--thanks to his help. from now on, the blog will feature high-quality screenshots. No more black bars! No more visible pixels! Woo!

Maybe once this blog is finished, I'll go back and retake all the screenshots. It's only fair. I'm still considering whether or not to do another review blog as well. Ahh! The answer to that will be answered soon!


Oh, boy. It's time for the girls to go back to Camp Caprice. Which means non-stop a capella chanting of that damn song--that song that's so corny, it makes Full House look like The Sopranos. Okay, that's a bit of a stretch, but still. I hate that song.

Anyway, the main plot device of this episode is that there's a record heat wave going through Connecticut, making everyone crankier than usual. As Ginger rushes to pack (or, rather, takes her sweet time) she looks at photos of her and Darren and wonders if they're growing apart. Meanwhile, Joann is downstairs impatiently waiting for Ginger so she can take her, Macie, and her spawn to the bus stop for Camp Caprice.

Why does Joann even volunteer to do anything child-related since she hates children so much?

Ooh, by the way, check out the trio's new 'dos. Ginger's curly hair is longer, Dodie took out those stupid pigtails, and Macie grew her hair out a little. If you ask me, they all look 10 times better.

Higsby delivers bags of ice as debt to Carl and Hoodsey (Mr. Licorice ate Maude's gallstone), and he is so done. No, I mean he is done. After what appears to be weeks of slugging giant bags of ice back from the convenience store, he delivers the last few bags to the doghouse, tells Carl and Hoodsey they can go eat a dick, and leaves.

Now, the boys have a dilemma--since they can't hire someone to beat the sense back into Higsby with a rusty club, they must either buy an air conditioner or haul in ice *gasp* themselves!

Hey, what is Courtney doing on the bus? I know I have poor memory, but I know for a fact that girl hated Camp Caprice with every wealthy fiber in her being. What is she doing being a camp leader when she can be on a yacht sipping non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiris?

Dodie starts showing Courtney pictures of her vacation to Mount Rushmore for some reason. Naturally, Joann is on the side waiting for her family to stop having fun so they can go home and be miserable with her again.

Ginger tries to solicit advice from Courtney about her boredom with Darren, comparing him to chocolate (is that supposed to be an unintentional pun or something?) If we're sticking with the skin color pun, Courtney's advice is for Ginger to start dating other races, or "flavors". You know, for variety. Basically, Courtney has no idea that Ginger is talking about Darren, so her advice is out of context.

Suddenly, the scene flips over to a naked Carl sitting in front of an open freezer.

Why not climb inside the freezer and sit in there?

Lois comes home with Doctor Dave and tells Carl to put his damn clothes on. Carl tries to negotiate an air conditioner for Lois's wedding registry, but the Foutley house is so old and decrepit that their electrical system wouldn't be able to handle it. Coincidentally, Doctor Dave's condo is being fumigated after a certain fire ant incident by Carl left the place toxic for the time being, so they can't stay there.

Thus, Lois announces that Doctor Dave will be staying over for a few days, to which Carl makes this face:

Again, yes, this is a kids' show. 

I find it disturbing that Carl would be thinking about Lois having sex. I find it disturbing that Carl has no problem thinking about Lois, his mother, having sex. Can you make this face while imagining your mom doin' the dirty deed? But, no pre-marital sex for these two--probably to appease the prudish soccer moms who don't want their children to even form the word "hormones" in their seemingly-innocent minds. So, Doctor Dave will be staying in Ginger's room. Wait, why not have Doctor Dave sleep in Lois's room, and Lois sleep in Ginger's room? I don't know--I find it weird for a grown man to be sleeping in a teenage girl's bed.

Back at Camp Caprice, the lead counselor introduces something brand-new to the campers alongside the standard ribbons: "The Caprice"--a trophy that looks like it's made out of golden foil that will be given away to the cabin that shows the best Camp Caprice "spirit." Oh, look, rewards for "trying." This is why we're going to end up with a generation with spoiled, entitled brats who can't handle criticism.

"We're also giving away a $25,000 scholarship to the college of your choosing to the special camper who can kiss my ass the hardest! No, Dodie, kissing Courtney's ass doesn't count."

While leading the Caprice kids into  the woods, Ginger hears a laugh that sounds vaguely like Sasha's. Yes, that Sasha. For some reason, she turns around and heads toward's Sasha's voice, totally unaware that there are 10 kids under the age of 10 she's supposed to keep from getting lost in the woods. Ginger, after awakening from her hormone-infested hallucination, returns back to the group thinking more about Sasha and less about Darren.

That night, Ginger writes about Sasha in her journal, but cannot figure out why all her feelings about him suddenly rushed back to her even though she's dating Darren now. I can tell you why, Ginger. You miss the way Sasha made you feel (before he made all those accusations, anyway). You miss the thrill of a romance. You got excited because you felt emotions you haven't felt for a long time. In other words, Darren ain't got no more game.

Carl puts a down payment on an air conditioner, and even manages to swing a mile's worth of extension cords free of charge. Either Carl's the best negotiator ever to be born into this cruel, hard world, or the sales clerk got suckered by an 11-year-old.

Ginger spills her dilemma on Courtney again, but Courtney is so vague and uses such obscure analogies that even a former English major like myself can't understand what she's trying to say. "There's nothing wrong with a little electricity, as long as you don't get shocked." I'm not sure if Courtney means that Ginger should go fuck Sasha and not tell Darren, or if Ginger should just let herself keep thinking about Sasha, as long as she doesn't try to make a move on him.

Hey, this is illegal:

Making two lazy boys work for two overworked adults at 8 dollars an hour! How cruel! Minimum wage is $9.15 a hour! (Actually in 2000, it was $6.15 an hour, but that would kill my attempt at a joke.)

The doorbell rings. Hoodsey runs to get it and... oh no.

Hmm, she seems like she's going to be a big part of season 3, so maybe I should have a consistent name for her. Doctor Dave's mom? Mrs. Dave? I know--Doctor Dave's mother. Calling someone "mother" sounds more authoritative, and boy is this woman all sorts of authority. Actually, she's all sorts of bitch. Much more freely hating the world around her than Joann.

Apparently, Doctor Dave "forgot" that his mother was supposed to be staying by his condo for a few days, and happened to "forget" to tell Lois, who's internally raging because now she has to let this old bag stay in her house infecting everything with her raw negativity. Meanwhile, Doctor Dave's mother scoops an unhealthy amount of sugar into her iced tea, yet it's still much too bitter. Much like herself. Ha. Clever, writers.

Lois and Doctor Dave approach Doctor Dave's mother, who just insists for Lois to call her "mom." And, oh, my poor retinas! They burn! Kill it! Kill that crusty, geriatric muscle spasm!

Now I know why she never smiles.

So, they make the arrangement that Doctor Dave will stay in Carl's room, and Doctor Dave's hideous mother will stay in Ginger's room. Doctor Dave even actually pays Carl to stay in his room--anything to keep the peace between Lois and Satan's cancerous mole.

During a scavenger hunt, Ginger hallucinates running into Sasha in an old barn, and ends up almost kissing a frog one of the little girls found.

Do people actually do this? Imagine themselves kissing a crush and actually making duckface with the air?

And then Ginger goes and does the thing. That's right, she tells Dodie about her problems. Naturally, Dodie is insulted when she finds out that Ginger told Courtney before her, but that's irrelevant here. Dodie's wonderful words of wisdom lead Ginger into thinking she doesn't want to date Darren anymore because she wants to be with Sasha.

Dodie thinks about Courtney a lot. That must mean that Dodie wants to date Courtney! Is that a joke? You decide.

And thus, Ginger becomes extremely confused and guilty and ashamed all at the same time. I like Courtney's vague advice better. Hell, I like Courtney better.

Carl and Hoodsey get their air conditioner, run the extension cords all the way to a random outlet in the Gripling yard in a tree (?), and boom! Ice-cold air at last. Surely, this isn't going to last.

At least Macie has the sense to give Ginger real advice--give Darren a call. And then someone launches a piece of paper at a tree with an arrow. Ginger reads it, and finds out Sasha wants to meet by the lake during the afternoon assembly. So it wasn't a hallucination after all! Sasha is here. Thunder strikes, to which Ginger replies, "And the gods are not happy about it," which is probably the first and only time Nickelodeon will allow the forbidden word "God" on their network.  You know, I'll never truly understand why talk of religion is so taboo on mainstream kids shows. I'm atheist, and even I think it's ridiculous how so many shows sneak around it like a sleeping guard dog whose chain is detached.

Back in Sheltered Shrubs, the power suddenly goes out, so Lois and Doctor Dave go out for ice cream. I guess Protected Pines houses each have their own generator or something because Carl's AC is still running.

Ginger sneaks off to the lake while Courtney puts the girls through a fashion show. And then Sasha trots up on his black horse. Nice entrance, I guess?

So, after Sasha descends from the glorious animal, Ginger blurts out that she has a boyfriend. Sasha's like, "Okay? I have a girlfriend." And then Ginger gets all confused, as she thought Sasha was going to pull her into his arms and have wild, steamy camp sex with her right then and there. No, but really, Sasha gets really confused because he just wanted to say hi, leaving Ginger stone cold humiliated.

"I wanted to crawl into a hole." - Ginger's voiceover.

Okay, I have a few things to say about this. First of all, you guys know I don't like Sasha because he's a tool who would fit right in on a dadly dad's garage wall with all the screwdrivers and hammers. Sasha isn't one who's straightforward--he always seems to be playing games with Ginger and beating around the bush, like when he took forever to tell Ginger that he was dating Clover. So, if I was Ginger, I would think shooting a piece of paper at a tree with an arrow telling her to meet him at a specific time and location would mean his intentions are more than platonic, too. I mean, if Sasha just wanted to say hi, why didn't he do so when he spotted Ginger in the woods (or, rather, when she spotted him?) He couldn't just wave and shout, "'Sup, Ginger? How's camp?" and then scurry on his way? What's the point of meeting her in a secret, quiet location away from other people just to say hello? Maybe he wanted to show her his horse?

Or let's say that Sasha just wanted to meet up with Ginger and talk for a few minutes. I'm sure there is some designated down time for the camp leaders, so why couldn't Sasha just meet up with Ginger then, instead of pulling her away from her group during an important meeting? It just doesn't make sense.

Secondly, what exactly was Ginger thinking? She sneaked away from her group and met up with Sasha, assuming he wanted to date her. That means that Ginger was willing to cheat on Darren. What a bitch!

Honestly, though, Ginger was just confused. I don't really fault her, then again, maybe I should because she took "advice" from Dodie. As her voiceover comes on, she basically reiterates what I had said earlier--Ginger didn't want Sasha; she wanted the exciting, spark of romance that came when she met him, and the elation, newness, and all the other fun emotions she felt when she developed a crush on him. That's actually a very mature, deep lesson that's crucial to healthy relationships. I really like how this scene showed how there's not a black and white (I want to date him/I don't want to date him) distinction between emotions. Rather, it asks, "I'm not sure--do I have feelings for him or not?" It definitely humanizes Ginger more, not to mention makes her more relatable. I know I've had my share of questionable crushes over the years, only to realize that it's not them I want, but the idea of them. That's probably why I understand Ginger's situation so well.

 At least she admitted Dodie was wrong. That was bodacious.

So, from this humiliating moment, Ginger realizes that the spark between her and Darren was there all along, and it took almost rubbing bodies with a douche for her to see that. Or, her extreme guilt for what I call mentally cheating made her appreciate Darren even more.

In the doghouse, Doctor Dave's mother, Carl, and Hoodsey play a rousing game of poker, until it's discovered that Doctor Dave's mother slipped an extra king into the deck to win the game. Well, it's technically not known who did, but I think it's safe to assume it was her. Hoodsey calls her out on it, but she kicks him out of the doghouse, wrestles him to the ground, and bites his ear. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!

The longer you stare, the weirder it gets.

Doctor Dave's mother is about as one-dimensional as a character can get, but this scene is clearly just done for shock value. I can buy that she's a total bitch. I can also buy that she hates Lois for no reason (only because Joann somehow hates her, too). But you cannot just pass this psychotic test subject asylum escapee off as a "monster-in-law." No. I draw the line at wrestling an 11-year-old to the ground and biting his ear over a game of poker. This shit sounds like something straight out of The Onion. 

So, Ginger's group ends up winning the trophies for being the "most spirited." I guess constantly singing that damn song over and over and over qualifies as spirit. Why am I not surprised? That night, as the girls sing a much more tolerable camp song around a toasty fire, Ginger sneaks off once again, this time to make a phone call to Darren.

Darren answers the phone, much to Ginger's relief. And then they probably have phone sex or something so Ginger can forget Sasha ever existed.




Lessons Learned From This Episode: sometimes you don't actually want to date an ex or an old crush--you just want to experience the emotions that come with a new romance; never take any advice from Dodie, unless it involves knocking her into a cavernous cactus patch; don't let crazy old bags into your doghouse.