Season 2, Episode 38: "Next Question"

Greetings, everyone! I just celebrated my 22nd birthday yesterday, and it feels absolutely no different than being 21. Now, I have graduation to look forward to soon, though I'm really dreading having to go out into the real world and get a job. I truly am going to miss the safety net of college.


Anyway, Ginger and friends are practicing a trivia game called "Next Question" with a teacher we've never seen before. Chet is having trouble playing because he buzzes in, and takes forever to answer. Oh, Chet! After they finish the round, the teacher reminds them that they will be competing with Furtisbrook (?) Middle School soon and the event will be broadcasted on TV. I'm sorry, but who wants to turn the channel to a bunch of 13-year-olds answering random trivia, especially since there's no Physical Challenge? God, I miss Double Dare 2000. So, in honor of the competition, the teacher presents the kids with the official quiz team jerseys.

That's not a jersey; that's an ugly sweater.

The kids drool over them, and I really don't know why. They look really nerdy if you ask me. Anyway, As the kids walk away with their new duds, the teacher compliments Ginger on getting all the science questions correct, to which Ginger replies, "That's because I'm a science geek."

As Dodie and Macie freshen up in the bathroom, Ginger stares longingly out the window and asks the girls if they think the quiz teacher's--Mr. Gardner's--ears are cute. And then Dodie and Macie speculate that Ginger has a big ole crush on him. Heh, this might actually be her one decent crush. An older man, who doesn't act like a douchebag *cough*Ian*cough* or a man-child *cough*Sasha*cough*. Of course, Dodie drags out Ginger's crush--which she swears isn't a crush--on and on and on to the point where I want to pop that high-pitched head off. But, Ginger insists that there is absolutely no way she's totally fantasizing about nibbling those fine-ass ears of his.

Does she even know his first name?

What in the name of Yankee Doodle am I looking at here?

Apparently, Higsby (and Mr. Licorice) agreed to model scarves that Hoodsey made, under the marketing of Carl, who's selling Fout-ship scarves for $12 a pop. Damn, this kid doesn't mess around. Why would anyone be interested in anything Higsby is modeling? Isn't he the school joke? Even Blake agrees, telling Carl that no one will be interested in those "rags" when all their marketing is in the form of a "flamboyant boy and his disco monkey." They realize that Blake is right, so they decide to come up with a new angle--using Groundhog Day. Carl devises a plan to kidnap Punxsutawney Phil (or rather, their version, Pawtucket Pete) so that people will realize he's missing (and won't find out whether or not he sees his shadow) so that Carl can sell Pawtucket Pete-themed scarves. What? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Suddenly, Ginger's crush on Mr. Gardner is a more interesting plot line. There's a first for everything, I guess. Perhaps I should just cut Carl some slack--his favorite teacher did just die last week, so he's probably a bit rusty. Unless these episodes are aired out of order...

Lois, Ginger, Dodie, and Macie run into Mr. Gardner at the mall, and Dodie doesn't hesitate to introduce herself and embarrass the hell out of Ginger. Lois notices the rollerblades hanging over Mr. Gardner's shoulders and comments about a nasty accident she had to deal with in the E.R. involving some kid's shin bone sticking out. Ugh, that made me shudder. I don't mind the sight of blood, but I do mind twisted and broken bones in unnatural positions... Ahhh! HELP ME STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!

"Please, Mom, don't let my cute quiz coach know that you have an interesting job."

The guy behind the counter asks Lois if they want curly fries or cole slaw with their order, so Mr. Gardner recommends curly fries. Heck yeah! So, Ginger gets them fries. Then, they grab a table while they wait for their hot dogs to be cooked while trying to get Ginger to admit her crush on Mr. Gardner, who reveals that his first name is Trevor. *Cue Helga Pataki's famous sigh.*

Sometime later, the trio manages to find out where Mr. Gardner lives and stalks him outside his house on rollerblades. You know, because Mr. Gardner loves rollerblading, too. So, they notice that he's coming out to do some blading, and Ginger totally doesn't want him to see her, otherwise he'll think she's stalking him. Too late for that. So, they blade through the park as fast as they can, faster when the realize Mr. Gardner is chasing them down. Uhh...?

Mr. Gardner whizzes on by, says hi to the girls, and then Macie somehow rolls down a hill and crashes into an old geezer in a motorized scooter. And then the scooter starts rolling...uphill? Even for a motorized scooter, that just seems hauntingly strange.

So, Macie ends up breaking an arm, but she's like, "Ehh, it's no biggie." Despite the fact that it was Ginger and Dodie's fault, she says it's not. Ahhh, whatever. Anyway, Mr. Gardner comes by during lunch and starts bothering the girls again. Seriously, why does this guy feel the need to strike up a conversation with these girls every chance he gets? I understand he's just trying to be friendly, but all the winking and cutesy nicknames are getting to be a bit much. And you know what? Even Dodie agrees that this isn't just normal teacher-student behavior because she then squees in her annoying high-pitched voice that Mr. Gardner is totally rocking a illegal boner for Ginger, who then makes this face:

Carl and Hoodsey speculate that they won't be able to get to Pawtucket Pete in time if they're at their own houses, so they decide to have a sleepbrover with Higsby. They bemoan the awful shit they're going to be put through, like having to join in Higsby's nightly prayers with Mr. Licorice.

"Praying monkeys are just plain wrong. And I'm a religious man." - Hoodsey

Higsby rushes the boys inside. Later on, he makes them sit through a Little Seal Girl movie, complete with song-singing, hand-holding, and bile-barfing, most importantly. Yeesh. Carl attempts to lower suspicions of him and Hoodsey using his house for their own selfish purposes by joining in the revelries with Higsby, but Hoodsey can't bear to watch this train wreck of dwindling manliness anymore.

Gee, if I didn't know any better, I would think Carl was actually enjoying himself. He's either a closet Little Seal Girl fanboy or a mastermind of manipulation. Hmm. Why not both? Anyway, Hoodsey flips the channel to some hick nature show, and slowly begins to absorb some good ole masculinity again. And then Higsby turns off the TV because he's getting too intimidated by all the adult content, and he runs to get his "key-riffic" used key collection to show the boys. Hoodsey looks like he wants to take a shotgun to his face, but Carl insists that they stay longer.

Meanwhile, Ginger is on the phone with Dodie trying to figure out what to do about Mr. Gardner's "crush" on Ginger and... ooh, look at that fountain in the corner! I so want that!

It looks like the cupid figure from Ginger's fantasy at the mall earlier.

Anyway, Ginger asks why Mr. Gardner hasn't come out to admit his crush on Ginger yet, and Dodie's like, "Because older men are complicated" and that Ginger needs to be the one to make the first move. Did it ever occur to these girls that it's illegal for a teacher and student to have relations? Even in college (ethically)? And you can't give the excuse that they're children--they're a year away from high school. They should know better by now. Hell, even if Mr. Gardner was crushing on Ginger, if they ever dated, Mr. Gardner's ass would be in jail so fast that not even his rollerblades could get him there faster. What really drives me insane is that Ginger actually tells Dodie that they can't date because Mr. Gardner is an adult, but ditzy Dodie is like, "The rules of love are universal. They work on every age group." Oh. Oh ho ho ho. This girl. This is why romance novels and Cosmopolitan are poison. Not even just for children. Take them seriously, and you'll be in for a rude awakening in the real world.

Anyway, Dodie keeps pushing Ginger to reveal her feelings to Mr. Gardner, and then suddenly, the fountain statue suddenly turns into Mr. Gardner, and Ginger's imagination of him actually encourages her to ask him out on a date.

So, that's it. Ginger is going to ask a 40-year-old man out on a date. Oh, this should be a carnival ride.

Mr. Licorice follows Carl and Hoodsey to where the groundhog is. Carl opens the doors and lures him closer with delicious vegetables.

As Carl and Hoodsey argue over whether or not setting Pete free is a good idea or not, Pete runs out of his cave and out of the park, all while Carl yells, "BE FREE!" I feel like Carl and Curly from Hey Arnold! would get along well. Kudos if you know why. But hey, I'd set the little guy free too if he was trapped in a dark, musty cave like that for who knows how long.

It's finally time for the tournament. As Mr. Gardner delivers a mini pep talk to his group, he nonchalantly lays his hand on Ginger's shoulder, to which Ginger smiles a goofy smile like Dodie always does and possibly orgasms right then and there. As Mr. Gardner goes up to the podium, Ginger begins her journey to asking him out, but chickens out and sits down.

Meanwhile, everyone gathers around to see Pawtucket Pete come out of his cave. The mayor opens the doors to discover that Pete isn't there. And then some crippled old man approaches the cave and starts whacking it with his walker. BAHAHAHA!

Carl and Hoodsey stand behind, watching the whole thing with tears of laughter flooding their eyes and pockets wide open, ready to sell people "Bring Back Pete" scarves.

You know these kids are geniuses, right? If people were smart, they would question how Carl and Hoodsey managed to put together this "fundraiser" so quickly since Pete was discovered missing just moments ago.

Meanwhile, Ginger can't stop fantasizing about Mr. Gardner. At least this time, he's fully-clothed. What is this, the third reference to him as a Roman god? This girl is seriously crushing hard.

I guess Ginger has forgotten that all of this is being televised, so she probably looks like an idiot gushing and smiling at him like that. She keeps reminding herself to ask him out after the tournament. All this crushing is making her miss out on easy questions, too. Get your head in the game, Ginger!

Police report on the disappearance of Pawtucket Pete, calling it a "tragedy." Carl and Hoodsey love all the money they're making with their scam, and nobody suspects a thing. Is this a parody of American media? I feel like this would be one of those trending topics on the Internet, and people would start taking advantage of it by selling things as a way to "help." When police go to investigate the cave, Mr. Licorice runs out, mad as a hatter, scaring the living shit out of everybody. The idiot reporter speculates that the "beast" must have eaten Pawtucket Pete. Yup. American media. The finest of them all.

It's too bad Carl and Hoodsey feel guilty about all this. It's not their fault Sheltered Shrubs is filled with a bunch of drooling imbeciles. Still, it's unclear why Mr. Licorice has gone apeshit crazy, and even Carl and Hoodsey are baffled. Mr. Licorice then kidnaps Muffin (remember Muffin from the Camp Caprice movie?) and climbs to the top of Pawucket Pete's cave like he's King Kong or something. What the fuck? And then Carl tries to calm him down with the song from The Little Seal Girl. The song manages to calm Mr. Licorice down, so he flings the pup over his head and runs off calmly. Again, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I honestly can't tell which of these two plot lines is more ridiculous: Ginger asking out a teacher on a date, or Carl calming down a monkey with a girly song.

And poor Muffin! You don't just drop a dog like that!

Ginger is still in La La Land, shaming herself for not asking Mr. Gardner out in the beginning. So, what does she do? She buzzes in and loudly asks if he wants to go to a movie with her.

Oh, dear Lord.

The entire room becomes silent.

Yes, Lois, she did just say what you think she said.

Holy Hell on a hoagie, how embarrassing! Mr. Gardner is stunned momentarily, and then mutters, "Next question," giving the question to the other school automatically. They answer correctly, and win the game, 31 to 30. Why is every game on TV always won by one point? So, Ginger runs off the stage, completely mortified beyond belief, and lets out a big cry in the bathroom.

Dodie finds Ginger in the stall with a wad of tear-soaked toilet paper in her hand and fails to make her feel better. Then, Lois comes in, realizing what had happened, and says, "You're not the first kid to make a fool of yourself over a teacher. You're just the first to do it on public access." I nearly choked on my own spit. I nearly lost it when Dodie revealed that she was the one who was egging Ginger on and making her believe Mr. Gardner was totally digging her, to which Lois makes this face--the most epic of all of Lois' faces:

This is the "You're a complete waste of oxygen" face.

Dodie realizes what a total fuck-up she is, so she takes the walk of shame out of the bathroom. Ginger comes out and gives Lois a hug. Lois then tells Ginger that she'll have many crushes in her life, some that'll make sense, some that won't. She just has to recognize the difference.

That night, Ginger relives the entire experience in her journal, but at least now she realizes that teachers are off-limits to her, at least until she's 40.

But you know, somehow I think Dodie's suspicions are somewhat true, considering this exchange happens in the hallway sometime later:

Or, he could just be a really nice guy...



Lessons Learned From This Episode: avoid crushes on teachers; set the wild animals free; don't ask out your teachers