Season 2, Episode 36: "Mommie Nearest"

Oooh, a Courtney-centered episode! We haven't done one of those in a while.

So, this episode begins a little differently, and by differently I mean more tragic... I think. Claire is in the hospital with her face all bandaged up. At first, I thought she got into a horrible accident, but she just got a horrible face lift. Apparently, it's so bad that she got an infection from it, and must stay in the hospital for some time.

How can she breathe under all that gauze?

Miranda is just sitting back, without a care or concern in the world, while Ginger comes by with fresh flowers in an enormous vase. Lois tells everyone that visiting hours are over, but Courtney begs to stay an extra two minutes. Lois leaves the room to ask Ginger to run some errands with her, but Ginger's like, "But moooooom, do I haaaaaave to?" And then Claire cries out in agony because she found out that her room isn't private. Ooh, scared someone will find out about your botched face-lift? You're rich; pay them to keep their pie-hole shut.

Carl and Hoodsey make fun of an overdramatic medical show, calling it a "visual hyperbole" and analyzing it to death like an English major. Jeez, you'd think these two would be in high school right now, considering other boys their age wouldn't even know what a hyperbole is. Where are they getting all this from, anyway? They claim that nothing impresses them, that is, until some mustachioed doctor with a Colombian accent pops up on TV showing off his enormous chin implant.

I don't get it; are we supposed to say no to plastic surgery or go full-throttle into it? Because this message is already conflicting, and we just broke the 3-minute mark. Anyway, Carl begins to consider an enlarged chin, because this show is too child-friendly for Carl to want a penis enlargement.

Meanwhile, Dodie smears an avocado mask on Ginger's face in the Foutley kitchen. Lois comes back from the store with Courtney, and Ginger's all like, "Why did you go grocery shopping with Courtney? I would have gone with you!" Uh, I thought you had "other plans" with Dodie and Macie. Besides, why are you so disappointed about not going grocery shopping? And then Courtney gushes over how much fun she had doing poor people things. This girl seriously needs to get out of that protective bubble of hers.

"Oh, Ginger, did you know that frozen vegetables don't come from frozen soil? They come from normal soil, and then are frozen in the grocery store! Absolutely fascinating!"

While Carl and Hoodsey are collecting ants, Blake comes over to see if the boys caught Extreme Plastic Surgery last night (that overdramatic show they were watching) and boasts about how that kind of chin runs in the Gripling family. Carl's like, "Who the hell cares?" And then Blake tells him that he should care because lots of successful people have giant chins and are all over magazines, which is Blake's way of getting Carl to question his success potential. This really prompts Carl to consider getting a big ass chin, his first instance of insecurity. Congratulations, Carl. You hit puberty. Now go backwards before you start worrying about muscles and girls.

Hoodsey tries to convince him otherwise, but Carl's mind is made up.

Courtney thanks Ginger for coming to the hospital with her, which surprises her considering Miranda would usually be down for it as she "loves misery." Ahahaha! Courtney's definitely much more people-smart, considering she can figure that out, and not where vegetables come from. When they reach the room where Claire is staying, Courtney goes absolutely batshit crazy because she's not there anymore, and Courtney demands an explanation from Lois. A private room had opened up, and she was transferred there, so she'll be in the hospital for a few more days. And then Courtney starts to cry, because she's been home all alone for the last few days. Aww.

Ginger gets the idea to let Courtney stay with them for a while, and Lois is like, "Whatever floats your boat." Courtney gets super excited that she goes home to pack her bags.

When Dodie and Macie hear about Courtney staying at the Foutley Inn, I'm genuinely surprised that they're not bouncing around and squeeing with delight. Especially Dodie--what happened to that sick obsession she had with Courtney where every time she heard her name, she'd orgasm puppies and glittery rainbows? Now it's like she... dislikes her. They warn Ginger about Courtney and her friends potentially reorganizing Ginger's closet as a "helpful" gesture, and that makes about as much sense as Carl wanting a chin implant to appear more successful.

The writers could have made this episode so much more interesting by having Dodie sneak into Ginger's house in the middle of the night to watch Courtney sleep or steal her socks or... something. All I'm saying is that this plot line could have been much more creative, had the writers kept the one interesting trait Dodie possessed.

I would have loved to see Macie as an uncomfortable accomplice, standing outside Ginger's window with a big sack, ready to catch Courtney's things as Dodie drops them out the window. And then they'd run back to Dodie's house and up to her bedroom, where Dodie would crawl into her closet and pull out her Courtney shrine, adorning it with all of Courtney's stolen things. The camera would then pan over to Macie, who's in complete shock as to what Dodie is doing off-camera, to be left to our imagination only by the disturbing sounds she's making. That would have been a hell of a good side story. I mean, it's fun when Helga bows down to her Arnold shrine on Hey Arnold! because she's in love with him. I'd love for Dodie to do the same just because she would take it much farther. And because there's more of a chance for her to get caught and be sent to an asylum. Mwahahaha.

Carl tries to convince Dr. Dave to give him the chin surgery, but Doctor Dave is rightfully skeptical. When he refuses, Carl tries threaten him with getting the surgery done by some shady foreign surgeon (you know, like the ones who perform botched surgeries at super steep discounts), but Doctor Dave has a proposition. And then Carl thinks he's way ahead of him, opening a suitcase and presenting a 40-year payment plan.

These guys think of everything. 

But Doctor Dave proposes a different idea--he challenges Carl to wear a fake chin for a while and see how he likes it before actually getting the surgery.

Courtney volunteers to make dinner, making Ginger super jealous. Lois rambles on about how Courtney is such a big help that it makes me think that Ginger never did shit before Courtney came along. Now, Ginger and Courtney are competing to earn brownie points by offering to help with breakfast the next day, too. It's rather uncomfortable to watch. I can see why Courtney would want to be helpful, but Ginger? I think she just feels guilty that Courtney is a helpful guest. Also, Ginger clearly doesn't like Courtney stealing Lois's affection. Come on, Ginger. Let Courtney have this moment--she's not used to being middle-class.

Meanwhile, Carl scours the kitchen drawer for a pseudo-chin, leaving Lois to scratch her own chin wondering what her son is up to.

And would you look at that? 7:00 in the morning, and Courtney has already made her bed, learned how to use a toaster, and cleaned up the kitchen. And, she did it all with pep. Meanwhile, Ginger rolls out of bed with her hair a frizzy mess, spiting the sun for reigning down on her and causing her to hate mornings more now that Courtney took over the house. I love Courtney--she reminds me of me in the morning. We morning people must stick together, because there's just so few of us!

"Waffle?" - Courtney

Lois chews Doctor Dave out for letting Carl think he's getting chin surgery, but he reassures Lois that Carl is going to be wearing that fake chin, see that it's dumb, and lose all interest in the surgery. And then Lois thinks that's pretty smart. And then she starts flirting with him. Doctor Dave then leaves to do doctor things before he pops a serious boner.

Hoodsey puts the finishing touches on Carl's chin (which by the way is one of Lois's heel guards) before opening the door to allow the other kids to check it out. And whoa, mama! With that chin, he looks like a young Grandpa Phil from Hey Arnold! Heh, two Arnold references in one review.

I never realized how ugly Carl is. But with that chin, he's more than ugly--he looks friggin' weird.

Ginger drops by the nurses' lounge to give Lois a little pick-me-up, but instead of seeing her dry-humping Doctor Dave, she sees something worse--Lois spending more time with Courtney (*gasp!* how scandalous!). I really don't know why this is upsetting her so much; it's not like Lois is ignoring Ginger altogether. In fact, she tries to include Ginger as much as she can when Courtney's around. Seriously, what's her deal? And why did she throw away perfectly-good food when Lois runs off to do nurse things? Seriously, Ginger, you're really being a bitch.

Courtney announces that her mother is being released from the hospital, and Ginger gets all excited that Courtney will finally be out of her hair, up until the point where Courtney says her mother will be recuperating from all that suffering in the hospital, and will be at a New Mexico spa for a while, meaning Courtney will have to stay at Ginger's house a little longer. Gee, Courtney, what ever happened to missing your mama? Now that she's okay, you don't give a crap that you still won't be able to see her? Anyway, Ginger flat-out tells Courtney that she can't stay, and then storms out before giving Courtney a rational explanation why she shouldn't.

Okay, I'll tell you why it's impossible to cut Ginger some slack here. Some of you may think, "Ahh, it's Ginger's house, and if she doesn't want Courtney staying there, she is obligated to say so, yadda yadda yadda," but remember that Ginger was the one who invited Courtney to stay in the first place because Courtney was so lonely. Now that Courtney has Lois to pow around with after school, Ginger suddenly doesn't like this. What the hell did Ginger expect Courtney to do while in her house? Sit in the living room and watch TV all day? That's not right! How would that help Courtney feel less lonely?

It's not even like Ginger wants to hang out with Courtney, because Ginger's always trying to avoid her. She never wanted to do errands with Lois before either, and now all of a sudden someone else is doing them with her and she suddenly wants to be the "perfect child," doing special things for Lois and buying her food? Methinks this solidifies my claim earlier that Ginger feels guilty for being a shitty daughter. She probably thinks Lois likes Courtney more. At this point, I do too.

Carl succeeds in scaring the ba-jeebers out of all the kids in school with his fake chin. Even Blake proclaims, "IT'S NOT NATURAL, I SAY!" And this makes Carl want the real chin even more. Gaining power and confidence by fear? Sounds Adolf-fully familiar...

Later in the nurses' lounge, Lois can't understand why Courtney supposedly turned down the offer to stay with them, because Ginger starts spouting a bunch of lies and gives a really nasty attitude. For Ginger to lie about this makes me think that she knows there's no reason for Courtney not to stay an extra few days, but is Ginger going to fess up? Not until the very end, I'm sure.

Carl starts to realize having the power to scare people off isn't what he wanted when he signed up for this chin, so he tries to take it off. Except that thing is super-glued on mega-tight.

So, he runs off to find Doctor Dave to help him remove the heel guard.

Ginger takes her mood out on Dodie and Macie while they're doing their homework together. Interestingly, Dodie says she feels like she's doing homework with Joann, because Joann hates it when she turns the pages of her book too loudly, and Ginger is making groaning noises at every noise the girls make. I don't know why I love hearing about all the tyrannic things Joann does. Could it be because she's such a hateful human being that it's funny that every little thing bothers her? Anyway, Ginger becomes so much of a baby that Dodie and Macie rightfully leave to do their homework at home. And then Ginger feels guilty for taking her anger out on them. "But guyyyyyys. Come back so I can express my anger and guilt and frustrations out on someone other than the people I'm angry and guilty and frustrated at!"

Courtney stops by to pick up the rest of her things. Ginger tries (and fails) to apologize, but Courtney knows better. She mentions that her mother had cancelled her trip to New Mexico, so she wouldn't have any reason to stay at Ginger's house anyway. Ginger still tries to make amends with Courtney because now she feels bad, but Courtney still makes only polite but necessary conversation. But then we find out that Courtney actually had to beg her mother not to go, which is really, absolutely sad.

After talking for a bit, they appear to make up, though I'm not sure if they'll ever truly be friends. And you know, because of this episode, I think they're better off with the relationship they've always had. And it's really disappointing because for the longest time, I really believed Courtney and Ginger could be best friends. But after seeing how uninterested Ginger is at having Courtney as a friend (why, I really don't know), and seeing how she treats her just because she spends some time with Lois, I really don't think there's any chance of them actually becoming friends. I cannot believe I'm actually saying this.

So, Ginger takes the bus back down to the hospital just so she and Lois can drive home together. So, wait, are we supposed to believe that Courtney opened the gates for Ginger to see how terrible of a daughter she is? Because now, all she wants to do is be with Lois. Either she's gone through a revelation, or she's super possessive of Lois. You know what? As of right now, Ginger is dead to me.

Carl and Hoodsey bury the fake chin in the backyard and vow to never let anything like this happen again. Wait, why didn't they just rinse it off and put it back in the tool drawer where it was? It's not like it's a cursed American Indian artifact. Oh, forget it. The episode is over.




Lessons Learned From This Episode: Never spend any time with Lois, otherwise Ginger will get super jealous and guilty and hate you for it; be happy with what you have; don't get facelifts.