Season 2, Episode 32: "Love With a Proper Transfer Student"

And we're back! How was everyone's spring break (or March Break, for you Canadian fans)? It just snowed again in NYC on Friday, and I was really hoping for some warm sunshine. Oh, well. At least it all mostly melted now. I just came back from a writing conference in New Jersey and met a ton of authors who gave me fantastic writing advice. I even got a few new books signed by some of the authors at the conference, which is pretty rad. Most importantly, it was my first time ever in a hotel, so you can bet your bottom dollar that I flopped down on that bed back-first and soaked in the excitement of a hotel room that someone else was paying for (tee hee!).

I will say, however, that being in a conference with 100+ middle-aged housewives talking about romance novels and sex and the horrors of Fifty Shades of Gray wasn't exactly what I had in mind for fun--I swear, those ladies are as raunchy as high school kids. Playing "Bad Libs" (and yes, that's spelled correctly) with them was a riot, though. I'm never going to get the phrases "feathery, fluffy thneed" and "man cannon" out of my mind... at least not for a long time. I definitely recommend these conferences to any aspiring writers or avid readers. Just beware of the sex talk coming from the romance writers.

I have to warn you guys: it's been getting increasingly harder to keep up with these reviews. College is kicking my behind this year in more ways than I thought possible. So, I really hope you readers don't mind if these reviews come in a little late.

Now that all my updates are out of the way, let's get onto the review!


Some of you have been commenting about this episode in the past few reviews, so I'm excited to watch it. I honestly don't remember seeing this one on TV as a kid. Weird. Okay, so the trio is melodramatically complaining about how nothing exciting has happened to Lucky Junior High since the swim team almost got sucked down pool drain. That's life, kiddos. Immediately after, they turn to ogle the hawt new transfer, Joaquin Cortez. Wait a minute: you're telling me that three twelve-year-old girls don't find a hot new kid at their school exciting, despite the fact that they all turn to stare at him? Or did the writers just go "Fuck logic!" because the whole melodramatic complaining could have been completely cut from the first thirty seconds in exchange for some Joaquin ass.

But, aww, look how sad Joaquin is when Mipsy saunters over in her sky-high heels and extra-plump push-up bra:

It's like that "Sad Keanu" meme.

The girls spot Joaquin signing up for the school musical about Latin dancing and an angsty teen. Ginger urges Dodie to sign up for the musical since she's got the biggest la-di-da crush on him, but she's too giddy to even function like a normal human being. So, Ginger signs her up. Joaquin takes a great interest in Ginger, and beings talking to her. I'm actually really disappointed in the voice actor who did his voice. Because Joaquin is an exchange student, I expected some kind of accent, even a fake one like that womanizing French Pierre kid from season 1. Instead, he speaks with a normal, boring American accent. I suspect some French people were pissed with how bad Pierre was making their people look, so they gave Joaquin an American voice actor and called it a day.

Anyway, Ginger gets all tongue-tied and flustered, and she ends up signing herself up for the musical as well. You know, I'm pretty sure that in real life, you have to be part of the school's drama or theatre club in order to audition for plays. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is one of the most inaccurate tropes of children's TV shows.

Oh, Mipsy signs up too. She's been "technically trained." I'm not sure if that's supposed to mean trained in acting or trained in being an exchange student-hogging bitch.

Carl and Hoodsey have whipped up the trio some delicious cups of hot chocolate for their sleepover--complete with mini-marshmallows injected with even mini-er microphone transmitters.

Hot damn, these kids ought to work for the CIA. Them, along with Jim and Tim Possible, Cory Baxter, Megan Parker, Matt McGuire, Simon Nelson Cook... Nickelodeon and Disney just love to use the sneaky genius kid sibling trope in a lot of their shows (and yes, I know Cookie isn't a sibling; just go with it.) They deliver the hot drinks to the girls up in Ginger's room, and then retreat to see what kind of juicy gossip they can use as blackmail against them.

Sometime later, Ginger gives Dodie a horrible (but quite fitting) new 'do because Ginger doesn't know how to copy a style off a magazine correctly.

Dodie gets all down on herself because she's worried Joaquin won't even know she exists, and then Ginger... oh my God... Ginger tries to be supportive by telling Dodie because Joaquin doesn't know her, he might think Dodie is the "coolest, most interesting babe at Lucky Junior."

Coolest.
Most Interesting.
Babe.

Dodie: the coolest?
Dodie Bishop: the most interesting?!
Deirdre Hortense Bishop: babe??!?!

Please excuse me while I leave the room to bust my jugular vein wide open in hysterics.

Okay, I'm back. I apologize for the wait. No, actually, I don't. You know, I thought my laugh quota was overflowing during the Bad Libs activity at the writers' conference. I thought that there was nothing funnier that could be said that would make me laugh harder than I did Sunday morning, where I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe for 30 seconds. But this... oh, writers. You totally set me up, there. I didn't think you had the balls to do that. I will definitely remember to congratulate you in my speech one day. But just in case I forget: thank you. Thank you for this show.

Ginger and Macie continue to talk out of their asses being all supportive towards Dodie. And I totally get it--they're best friends. And while it's true that everyone at that school has an equal chance to impress Joaquin, we all know that the little exchange (ha! pun!) between him and Ginger is going to be the crux of the story.

Back in the doghouse, Carl and Hoodsey grow sick of all the girl talk, until Carl hears Ginger mention that the play is going to include a cool PG-13 kissing scene between the main characters. This piece of information prompts Carl to create and sell the best love potion the world has ever seen. But hold up, no one has even auditioned yet. Who's to say that Joaquin will be a shoo-in to get the part of the lead male character? Is it because he fits the bill of the Latin lead? I'm sure there are other Hispanic guys in the school who will do just as well, if not better, than Joaquin. Not that I'm hating on Joaquin, but slow the crap down, everyone!

The next morning, as Lois ponders over the strange conglomerate of ingredients Carl scribbled down on the grocery shopping list, she notices Ginger flying out the door with her fancy cubic zirconium barrettes and perfume--totally not to impress Joaquin with.

Ugh, I am so getting secondhand embarrassment from Mipsy's shit audition. My god, it's called acting. A-C-T-I-N-G, the acronym for "annunciate clearly to imitate natural gab." It's my own acronym that's simple, straightforward, and honest. And that's what acting should be. Why is it that children's shows always portray a shitty actor by having them scream their lines as loud as they can? I can tell if someone's a horrible actor in many ways--speaking unnaturally, not blocking appropriately, not trying to get a feel for the emotions of the character. Get off the stage, Mipsy. I hate to say that you're actually worse than Dodie when she played Reverend John Proctor in the Salem Witch Trials musical several episodes back.

Shove a cork in that mouth and GTFO.

I feel really bad for Joaquin. His acting may not be spot-on, but he's like freaking Robert De Niro compared to this bimbo. But because Ms. Zorski has a habit of sparing the feelings of her students instead of teaching them how to act, she suggests that Mipsy would be better off playing the role of Ellie's (the lading lady's) mother, prompting Mipsy to stomp off in a huff. Ms. Zorski then throws Dodie on the stage to read as Ellie and she, too, fucks it up. Why am I not surprised? She's actually so loud that her teeny-bopper-on-amphetamines voice nearly knocks this poor kid backwards.

So, Ms. Zorski tries again, but with Ginger instead. She at least makes an effort, though not nearly enough to convince me that she should quit school and move to Hollywood. She and Joaquin share a mutual glance that gets both their undies soaking like a Slip n' Slide.

After the auditions, the girls go to check who got what part in the play. Dodie actually says that Ginger did a good job with the part of Ellie (Hallelujah!) and then that moment of decency is completely shattered with a snarky "maybe you'll get to play the hotel maid that cleans my room." Fuck. You. But as it turns out, the girls check the list and lo and behold, Ginger gets the part of Ellie and Dodie winds up as the hotel maid. Fuck! Yes! Just look at how pathetically shitty Dodie feels! Look at her uber-jealousy!  Look at her! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Go on, point at her and laugh! Laugh, my friends!

After Dodie finishes soaking the hallway floors with her tears, Macie points out to Ginger that she suddenly seems really happy getting a part she didn't even want in the first place, i.e., stealing Joaquin away from Dodie. Whatever, Macie. Stop sticking up for Dodie. And then Ginger feels like shit for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Ginger and Macie hunt down Dodie in the bathroom to cheer her up. Dodie asks Ginger if she secretly wanted the part of Ellie, to which Ginger outright lies and says no. This makes Dodie feel a little better, but she's still feeling pathetic because being the hotel maid is so "un-glamorous." Yet you hoped Ginger would get the un-glamorous role just two minutes ago, Dodie. As if you were so sure you'd get the role. Don't flatter yourself. Be happy that Ginger took the role, otherwise Mipsy would have gotten it, and she would have fucked up the whole play with her screaming and flailing around.

Remember in that Lizzie McGuire episode when Miranda tried out for the play and completely ruined it with her shit acting? That's exactly what would have happened if Mipsy or Dodie got the part. And then the school would have wasted all their money on set designs and props to a show no one would buy tickets to. And then there would be so much money lost that the school wouldn't be able to afford to produce another show. So, in a way, Ginger saved that crappy theatre program. Thank God for mediocre acting.

Ginger expresses her concerns very vaguely with Lois that night, and Lois tells her that if Dodie is a real friend, she wouldn't hold this dilemma against her. But that's the problem, Lois: Dodie isn't a real friend!

Back in the doghouse, Carl and Hoodsey gather the supplies necessary to concoct their love potion, including Lois's blender.

I really want to know how to get those lights that add a colored glow to a room.

Carl tells Hoodsey that they need to gather every aphrodisiac they can find, which is actually kind of disturbing. I know it makes sense, but hearing two ten-year-old boys talk about gathering items that increase sexual desire, all on a children's show, is just a bit disturbing. I hear that falling asleep in someone's arms can increase trust bonds between both of them. That would probably create a better reaction rather than a bunch of boner-inducing herbs. Lust does not equal love, gentlemen.

Oh, here's just a (small) sample list I found on Wikipedia of claimed aphrodisiacs they'd have to gather for this love potion. Good luck, boys:

• Ambergris
• Tiger penis
• Deer penis and antlers (in Taiwan and China)
• Epimedium grandiflorum (Horny Goat Weed)
• Eurycoma longifolia
• Spanish fly (cantharidin)
• Tribulus terrestris

I highly doubt the boys are prepared to search for and gather these foreign plants, let alone neuter wild animals. I guess they realize this too, so they decide to improvise and substitute, like using pumpkin-flavored gum instead of a real pumpkin pie. Aww, I wanted to see them actually try to get a tiger penis. That would have been way funnier.

Once their formula is complete, they infuse every drink in the refrigerator with it to make sure Ginger--their secret guinea pig--will be thrown in the chokes of love, via her ten-year-old brother and his friend. Right. Ginger goes into the kitchen later that night to snag a root beer--one of Carl's love potions--and then practice her lines for the play up in her room. During the reciting, she accidentally blurts out that she loves Joaquin, and realizes that this is a problem. She actually and whole-heartedly believes that just because Dodie saw Joaquin first and admitted her crush on him, that she's entitled to him. Despite this mentality being TOTALLY FUCKED UP, what about Joaquin? Doesn't he have any say in this? Anyway, Ginger announces in her journal that she owes her loyalty to Dodie because they're "best friends" (oh no) and that she's going to do whatever it takes to set them up. Because Ginger is a fool. Can't she see that Joaquin has no interest in Dodie whatsoever?

I picture Gilbert Gottfried shouting "You fool!" on loop all night long after watching this scene.

The next day at rehearsal, Dodie urges Ginger to make her look good, even going so far as to ask Ginger to ask Joaquin what his favorite food is, and tell Joaquin that it's Dodie's too. My God, what a desperate wannabe! I mean, I understand the mentality of young teens and preteens who want to change for the people they like so that they can have more in common (and thus, more to bond over) but jeez! Everything is just so much more annoying coming out of Dodie's mouth.

Joaquin asks Ginger if she wants to rehearse lines with him, and she agrees. Joaquin takes Ginger into an empty dressing room, because it's "quiet." Oh boy, I think I know where this is going. Ginger, remember to use plenty of lube, and don't rely on any furniture to hold you two up--the school's budget is low, so the quality must be too! Nah, I'm just kidding.

Oh, look, Chet is auditioning too! Wait, why does he get called out for his terrible acting and no one else does? Totally unfair!

Ms. Zorski calls Ginger up on stage to rehearse the gazebo scene with Joaquin, and the trio freaks out because that's the kissing scene. But Ms. Zorski tells them not to worry, as kissing isn't allowed until opening night, so the little green monster retreats back behind Dodie's shoulders.

And, wouldn't you know? They end up kissing! And my God, that kiss looks pretty damn passionate, not even innocent! Look at the way they hold each other!

And then Dodie's little underdeveloped heart explodes, but you can't see it because it's hidden behind her super jumbo push-up bra she wanted to impress Joaquin with. Hey, he might be a boob guy. You never know.

After school, Ginger goes to apologize to Dodie (for yet another unknown reason), but Dodie slams the door in her face. Bitch.

And at dinner, Ginger can barely stomach her brisket because she's too upset to even eat. Carl thinks that Ginger's crisis was all because of his love potion--and not because of hormones--so he walkie-talkies Hoodsey to let him know that their potion is a big success.

Ginger refuses to open the door, so Lois tries to give her advice from the hallway. She tells her that even though Ginger is almost a teenager now, she should realize that she does have a crush on Joaquin whether she likes it or not, and that she should follow her heart. In other words, do the right thing, even though it's totally after-school special-like.

I really love the little details they put in this show, like Lois groaning, "Oh, my back!" as she's getting up off the floor. These little characteristics make Lois so much more realistic than she already is, and it reminds me of basically every other adult I know. Honestly, what other show--let alone a cartoon--would string in a detail like that? And Ginger's chuckle, too. I freaking love this show, I swear. It doesn't feel like a cartoon most of the time.

The next rehearsal, Mipsy complains that she just can't work with Chet because he's so unprofessional. Pot, meet kettle. So, Ms. Zorski tells everyone to take a break. Meanwhile, Carl and Hoodsey saunter down the auditorium aisle with cases of their love potion root beer strapped around their necks. Who let them into the school, and why doesn't anyone kick them out for A) Trespassing and B) Selling merchandise on school property? And second (or third), who are they going to sell root beer to? Dodie's pretty much the only one in the audience, and even she doesn't want any, even when Carl offers her a bottle for free.

Actually, $3.00 for a drink is ridiculously cheap in public places. Have you ever been to the Nassau Colosseum concession stands? $3.00 is basically a five-finger discount there.

So, Carl and Hoodsey decide to hunt down Joaquin, because even they know that he would need a forcible liquid to even consider Dodie as somewhat mildly easy on the eyes. I guess by now, Dodie realizes that she and Joaquin are just a pipe dream, so she leads the boys to the dressing room where Ginger and Joaquin like to rehearse, and overhear them practicing their lines. The door is sightly open, so everyone can see what's going on inside. You'd be a fool to believe that Joaquin only wants to rehearse the kiss scene to make sure it's perfect, because he practically dives right for her lips. Remembering all the pain and agony she's putting Dodie through, Ginger pushes Joaquin away and tells him that it's not right what they're doing.

Meanwhile, Carl curls up in fetal position over his potion wearing off.

Joaquin is all sorts of confused, because he assumed Ginger was hot for him as much as he was for her. Ginger says that she is, but it's not fair to Dodie. So, she chooses to keep a shitty friendship instead of getting to know a sweet, albeit a bit forward, guy. Unbelievable.

After rehearsal ends, Dodie comes up to Ginger and says that pushing away a possible relationship was the best and most loyal thing ever, and then they hug. Unbelievable.

Back at home, Carl confesses that he was responsible for the whole Joaquin kiss-Dodie hating Ginger fiasco, but Ginger laughs and says that the root beer she took was from Lois, so she never actually drank the love potion. And then Carl gets disappointed again, and tries to snag Lois's credit card number to get the real bull saliva. Why? Ginger never even drank Carl's potion and--oh, nevermind,. It's Carl Foutley!

Okay, I just have a lot more to say about this episode, just to warn you guys. The message the writers are trying to put out is a good one--boys are not worth ruining a friendship over. But the thing is, that message is null and void when Dodie is the "friend" in question. As I, and all of you know, Dodie is not a real friend. I honestly believe that the only reason why she's even friends with Ginger and Macie is because no one else wants her near them.

Dodie pretty much said that she hoped Ginger would get the dowdy role of the hotel maid--the "un-glamorous" role so that she could be the leading lady and kiss Joaquin. If Dodie is crying over the fact that she ended up as the maid, how would she expect Ginger to react if she did get the hotel maid role? It's like as long as Dodie gets what she wants all the time, it's totally okay. It's not! Dodie is a fucking hypocrite and doesn't deserve Joaquin to even spit on her.

But no, it's not cool to date someone your best friend has a crush on. Mostly because it's awkward, but it's one of those unwritten rules of friendship. But you know, that's life. If you want to date your friend's crush, that's your decision. If you're really friends with that person, they'll get over it--there are plenty of others out there. In this case however, I really wish Ginger kicked Dodie out and dated Joaquin. It's not like Joaquin even liked Dodie--that's the most important thing here. He liked Ginger, Ginger liked him. If Joaquin liked Dodie too, then I can understand where the conflict would be. But no, Ginger sacrificed a potential relationship just to keep Dodie happy.

Also, this episode made it seem like Ginger was wrong for having feelings for Joaquin. That's not right. You can't control who you're attracted to.

And sure, they're only 12 and are too young to date, but that's besides the point. What if Dodie pulled this shit when they were 18? Ponder that scary thought--that Ginger and Dodie would be besties at 18 years old!



Lessons Learned From This Episode: don't date your best friend's crush; it's not okay to have a crush on someone your best friend likes and will never have a chance with