Season 2, Episode 30: "Ms. Foutley's Boys"

Greetings, everyone. Again, sorry this review is a bit late. For some reason, I thought this week's episode was supposed to be "Ms. Foutley's Boys," but halfway into the review, I realized that "April's Fools" was next in the episode list. But I've already gotten well into this review before I realized I was writing the wrong review, so I guess we'll have to deal with screwy chronology this week.

Ginger had put out an ad for a new dad (and a new boyfriend for Lois), probably because she thinks Lois could use some sex every now and then. To Ginger's dismay, all she keeps getting in the mail are losers and old, ugly men. I'm genuinely surprised no one sent a picture of their erect penis. 

The way to a woman's heart is by sending a good ole dick pic.

Dodie comments that they have to find Lois a new beau soon, otherwise she'll end up like this diamond in the rough on the Doctor Fondfeelings Show. Hey, it's that Fondfeelings person from, like, some episode in season 1! How've you been? Exploiting poor, emotional American women again, I see? Good, good.

"You're miserable because you're alone, and you're alone because you're miserable." - Doctor Fondfeelings

Unfortunately, no one seems to be good enough for Ginger, so she becomes frustrated and angry and throws a mini-hissy fit. I wonder where this sudden rush to find a new daddy came from...

In the doghouse, Carl has a new idea that he proposes to Hoodsey: fabric softener that doubles as aftershave and dryer sheets that double as handkerchiefs. Are these revolutionary concepts, or one of those hipster life hacks?

Because Carl needs a test dummy and refuses to test on animals, he enlists Dodie and Macie, with a nice frothy root beer as compensation. They refuse, and then Dodie pulls off a z-snap, telling Hoodsey to get his ass home for dinner.

My God, these are the weirdest 3 minutes of any As Told By Ginger episode ever.

Ginger notices that Lois isn't eating dinner with her and Carl, and pulls that "you're miserable because you're alone" line from the Doctor Fondfeelings show. Yeesh. That makes me shudder. That woman is just so damn creepy; I don't know why. Lois, however, laughs and says the reason she's not eating is because she has a date tonight. And then the scene almost immediately cuts to Ginger yapping on the phone with Dodie, trying to imagine what kind of Fabio-like god she's out with, like a neurosurgeon from the hospital.

Nope. It's Buzz the plumber. Lois brought him home for dessert, possibly so he can finally get to clean out her pipes. 

Mmm... that big nose is soooo sexy....

Naturally, Ginger is pissed because Buzz isn't good enough for her. Just look at the face she makes when she asks what line of work Buzz is in:

And she says it so snooty, too. Apparently, a Jack-of-all-trades blue collar worker isn't up to Ginger's standards. Lois mentions that Buzz has three sons, and says she should arrange a "play date" for the kids. Then, Buzz shows off a picture of his three spawns: Junior, Junior-Senior, and Reeses. And yes, these are their actual names. Okay, I know I poke fun at Buzz for his hick accent and his big nose, but he really does seem like a nice guy, and Lois seems to like him. What's Ginger's excuse for acting like a bitch?

Suddenly, the sink faucet explodes, so Buzz decides that tomorrow will be a good day to fix it, as well as bring over his three brats. 

And would you look at that--the very next day, five boys under the age of ten (Carl, Hoodsey, and Buzz's kids) fucking up the Foutley household and screaming like banshees. It's like a college party but with gallons of overly-sugared Kool-Aid instead of booze.

Hey, Buzz, I thought the sink was busted...

Ginger orders Carl to take the boys outside. Once the living room is silent, she asks Buzz what he's doing to their ceiling fan. Buzz had upgraded it so that it turns on with the snap of a finger as a surprise for Lois. A neat idea, I suppose. Just don't ever have a poetry group over. Of course, the fan ends up spinning too fast and starts blowing debris all over the living room. Despite this fiasco, Buzz boasts about how great it is to now "have a man around the house," even though he's already proven to be an inept electrician, plumber, and father all within the same sixty seconds. 

Back up in Ginger's room, Ginger turns on the Doctor Fondfeelings Show again and becomes what I can only describe as high on Nickelodeon shrooms. Her room is literally warping as she's being sucked into this trash tabloid talk show.

She listens closely as Doctor Fondfeelings's manipulative words twist her mind into thinking Lois doesn't know how to choose a proper man, therefore she will be forever alone. She imagines Lois on the show as a miserable old hag in an ugly housedress, hair a tousled mess, desperately trying to cling to her pride by saying  crap like "At least I have my kids and mattress." And then "Lois" picks up an old bean burrito off the floor and eats it, sucking out the juicy, old beans in loud slurps. Seriously, how high were these writers when they pitched this in the storyboard room?

Even Doctor Fondfeelings can't believe this crap.

Ginger freaks out and goes downstairs to tell Lois, who is coincidentally eating a bean burrito at that very moment, to stick with Buzz for as long as humanely possible. Because of the fan incident, Lois had told Buzz that she's too creeped out with Buzz butting into her house, so she cut him loose. And now Ginger all of a sudden wants her and Buzz to get back together. Lois tells Ginger that she saw how she was giving Buzz the stink-eye less than 24 hours ago. And then Ginger takes her obsession with this Doctor Fakefeelings too far when she says, verbatim, "You're just not used to having a man in your life, Lois. You may have to learn to be a little more flexible." Oh. My. Fucking. God. 

My mouth literally dropped open when she said that. Holy shit on a stick, this girl's mind couldn't be more porous if you drilled a hole clean through it. I wish I could slap Ginger in the mouth for saying that, only because Lois is too flabbergasted to do it herself. First she mouths off in "TGIF," and now here? Damn you, Doctor Fondfeelings. People of Earth, repeat after me: Kill your TV. 

In the doghouse, Carl recruits Buzz's sons as test subjects for his new products, with gum as payment. I really hate how these kids talk. Okay, so they might be hicks, but why is the accent laid on so strong? I'm sure no actual hillbilly speaks like they do. Carl tries to explain to them to let him know if any weird things happen as a result of using his products, but his request isn't getting through so easily because these kids are also dumb as fuck. And they apparently don't--or do--like gum.

And then Ginger's sudden love for Buzz takes a sharp nosedive when he increases the water pressure in the shower. 

In the nurses' lounge, Lois vents to an uninterested nurse about feeling guilty for keeping Buzz and his brats around for Ginger's sake, and figures she must really want a father figure in her life. Meanwhile, the camera constantly keeps panning over Doctor Dave for some reason.

He seems really intrigued by Lois's insoles. Foot fetish?

After Ginger's ultra-pressurized shower, she vents to Dodie about how annoying Buzz is. While you're at it, Ginger, why not tell Dodie how annoying she is? And right on cue, she opens her bedroom windows, setting off two very loud intruder alert alarms, sending the boys (and Buzz) rushing into her room. Oh, my God. Not cool, Buzz! Not cool! What if she was naked?!

Ginger's like, "Aren't you going to apologize for scaring me half to death?" And Buzz is like, "Hell no." And then they all leave. Darren then climbs up Ginger's window, which strangely doesn't set off the alarms. Ginger complains that she's trying so hard to follow the advice of this TV crackpot, and Darren asks her to think about how Lois would feel knowing she was dating someone Ginger can't stand. But she retaliates by claiming it's all for the sake of Lois.

Okay, so we have both Ginger and Lois who hate Buzz, but are pretending to like him for the other's sake. See, this is why communication is important. I'm taking three classes in communication this semester, so I should know! 

Lois comes home from grocery shopping to Buzz offering to take her out. Lois is unsure, but Ginger insists. Even Carl agrees to let Lois go, and says that they'll be fine by themselves, as they'll order some meatball subs for dinner, to which Ginger replies "Gross!" (Ahem, meatball subs are freaking delicious!) Carl puts it to a vote, and everyone but Ginger agrees to chow down on some delicious subs. Buzz is like, "Well, that's it, we're all having meatball subs." Suddenly, Lois puts her foot down and says it's not even fair, and that Ginger doesn't even like them. But Buzz dismisses Lois's concerns by spouting out his mantra, "Boys will be boys." But what Buzz forgot to mention this entire episode is that boys will most certainly be boys... if you don't teach them to be men. 

Ginger suddenly gets some disturbing flash-forwards of Lois alone in her bedroom with a bean burrito, and I swear, it's like the sloth victim from Se7en.

Jeez Louise. As Told By Ginger is supposed to be a children's show?

Anyway, Ginger agrees that Lois's happiness is worth more than her hatred of choking down some balls of meat.

Some hours later, Ginger sends a distress call out to Dodie and Macie. She can't gain control of the boys, and they're totally ruining her life. So, what does she expect Dodie and Macie to do? They have no experience in wrangling rugrats. They head upstairs to Carl's room and stare at the mess unfolding via vacuum cleaners. They all take a vote on whether to settle down or not, and because the boys outnumber the girls 4 to 3, the boys chase Ginger, Dodie, and Macie around the house with the vacuums. Well, they won't go very far, at least. Wait... why does Lois have so many vacuums, anyway?

Funny thing is, if you catch it right as she's running out of her room, you can hear Ginger say, "I'm moving in with Darren." Darren? Why not Dodie or Macie? Or with Jonas? Because Ginger has a big, fat crush on Darren, now. And that logic makes no sense, anyway. Darren lives next door. The boys will just terrorize Ginger at Darren's house... if they're not scarred by the sight of Ginger and Darren boning each other first. 

It only makes sense that hick boys like to watch hick cartoons. Farmer Ted and Chicken Fried Charlie. Yeehaw! 

Why the hell is the mailbox bouncing, too?

Lois has had enough of Buzz and the boys exploiting her electricity bill, so she stands in front of the TV and tells them all (even Buzz) to go play outside. This scene is just amazing, for a lot of reasons. First, it shows that Buzz is (and will forever be) an incompetent parent who has no idea how to raise children. Second, he has no idea what the word "discipline" means, which is why his kids are three times worse than Carl. And third, it shows that Buzz does not deserve to be a parent, let alone someone's boyfriend. So, after enough yelling, the boys decide to go out and play paintball. Boys will be boys, after all.

The fact that Lois refuses to clean up after these pigs is pretty damn awesome, and tells us a lot about her as a character.

Ginger enjoys the silence at Darren's house, but Lois can't enjoy her silence in her new "lady spa" Buzz upgraded for her. That's when Lois realizes she needs to come clean with Ginger. She calls Darren's house and asks to talk to Ginger. Ginger answers, and somehow this confession about Buzz and his kids being a drain on the collective IQ and sanity of America turns into Lois and Ginger joining them in a game of paintball. So, wait, is the lesson here "if you don't feel comfortable kicking them out of your life, join them?" 

No, wait, this isn't how it's supposed to be. Why, Ginger? Why?!

Naturally, Lois and Ginger lost the paintball match, so the boys get to pick dinner. And what do you know? Meatball subs. Lois can't take this anymore. She calmly tells the boys (the little ones) to take their meatballs up to Carl's room so she can have a stern chat with Buzz. 

The boys surround Carl and demand that he gives them money for the experiments they've been subjected to. Carl becomes rightfully nervous and tries to tell them that he can totally get the boys more gum, but the boys would rather pick out their own gum. And then they turn out the lights, leaving Carl to shit his pants in fear of the unknown.

Lois tells Buzz to get his ass out of her life. Buzz gets all defensive, saying that he should be the one to end the relationship because he's a man. To save his pride, Buzz tries to claim that Carl is a bad influence on his precious sons (HAHAHAHAHA!), and that one of the juniors is blind because of Carl, to which Lois outright calls him out on ("He's wearing a blindfold!) because his sons are fucking inbred imbeciles, and Buzz is no smarter. Buzz tells his boys to get in the truck, and they leave without a second thought.

Lois flops down on her couch in relief that her house can finally return to its normal abnormalities. Ginger comes over and apologizes for trying to push Buzz so hard, and that she was afraid that Lois would be miserable without a man in her life. Lois laughs at this concept. You know why? Because she is a strong, independent Nickelodeon mom who don't need no man.

"Being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship is just plain crazy. You gotta let your heart lead the way." - Lois 

And just when we think this episode is going to end predictably...

...Doctor Dave shows up!

And he's here to return Lois's insole she left at the hospital lounge. And also his phone number. And his Facebook acceptance request. And then she invites him inside for a sandwich. 

Despite the fact that Ginger ended being right about Buzz still doesn't excuse her nasty behavior towards Lois. She's been getting really mouthy lately, and I don't like it. But hey, she's a kid... a kid who shouldn't be watching tabloid talk shows. You know what? Just take the damn TV out of her room. 

Lessons Learned From This Episode: Don't be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one; communication is extremely important; and something about Doctor Dave, but I can't think of anything.