Season 1, Episodes 18 - 20: "Summer at Camp Caprice" / "Season of Caprice"

Grab some popcorn. Turn out the lights. It's time for Movie Monday! This is the last episode (technically last three episodes) of the season, which means we will be moving on to season 2 very shortly.

Also, I have a little surprise for you guys that I'll be posting sometime this week. I'm not giving away any hints, so you'll just have to wait and see.


And now, onward with Camp Caprice:

As the clock ticks by, Ginger's voiceover comes on, and she talks about waiting for something really cool to happen, something the show has never done before. The only time we ever hear Ginger's thoughts is when she's writing in her journal, which is something we haven't seen her do in several episodes. I must be really out of the loop with this show because I remembered her writing in that thing almost every episode when I was younger. Oh well. Anyway, the whole class is waiting in anticipation for the bell to ring because it's summer vacation. Wahay! Hell, even Ms. Zorski is ready to leave. I bet once she picks up her last paycheck for the year, she'll be down at the teachers' bar downing mimosas mixed with the tears of the students she failed.

So, as the girls rush out of the building, they start singing a weird song about camp which could only mean one thing: they're goin' away to camp for the summer! I've never been to camp; I can only imagine what it's like based on my knowledge from two Mary-Kate and Ashley books I read when I was younger and all my viewings of The Parent Trap. My childhood sucked, man. I want to know how to make bug juice for real. Anyway, they start stressing out because their parents haven't helped them finish packing yet.

Courtney overhears Ginger talking about sewing her name into clothing and can't--for the life of her--understand that it means so your underwear doesn't end up on someone else's ass and vise versa. Could this girl be any more clueless? Miranda mentions that she and Courtney will be "cruising the Virgins this summer." This would have been just a normal segue into Courtney and Miranda's summer plans, but the long, awkward pause makes it seem like something else. Cruising the Virgins, or cruising the virgins? Think about it. Perhaps I'm just looking into this conversation too much, but the awkward pause does make it seem like Miranda said she and Courtney were going to be fucking some virgin boys over the summer, so I can understand the trio's confusion.

"Uh, beg your pardon?" - Macie

Courtney and Miranda walk off, and then Courtney asks Miranda to give her the dilly-o on "camp." Miranda nonchalantly mentions all sorts of normal camp activities such as "stupid songs" and "macramé friendship bracelets," stuff that's not for a girl like her. Courtney gets slightly offended by this, only continuing to get more offended as Miranda inadvertently continues to insult her, going as far as calling her "too high-maintenance" for camp, only making Courtney angrier. Her curiosity becomes the encouragement she needs to forgo the fancy cruise and slap on some cargo shorts for middle-class fun in the woods. You go, girl! And now Miranda is pissed because now her whole summer is ruined. Perhaps some classes in reverse bitchology would be worth shelling out the money you were going to spend on those non-alcoholic mimosas, eh, Miranda?

That evening, Carl and Hoodsey take a walk through the neighborhood while Hoodsey enlightens Carl with an anecdote about something about his mom. Carl and Hoodsey spot a lost dog poster for some goofy-looking mutt. This rustles Carl's jimmies, as this dog-napping thing has been happening for quite some time, and even speculates that the guy who keeps stealing all these neighborhood dogs is probably the same guy who took his dog, Monster, many years ago. And thus begins the journey of Carl's summer--solving the mystery of the dog-napper.

Carl realizes that in order for him and Hoodsey to become little Sherlocks is to remain home for the entire duration of the summer, something Lois detests more than low carb diets. I can understand it, though. How can she possibly tolerate Carl's antics during the school months--she'd throw herself into an asylum if she had to deal with his buffoonery 24/7 for the next sixty days. She then gives him the benefit of the doubt, as Carl maybe, maybe has a good reason for staying home, so she allows him to come up with a damn good reason for it.

Ginger's voiceover is heard again, right as she opens up the packaging to a brand-new journal.

Mmm... new book smell.

Darren swings by to tell Ginger he's being sent to military camp. Woah, military camp, huh? Apparently, it was his dad's idea, because he's too much of a weenie, much to his dad and brother's dismay. So, Darren mentions that he will be going to Spangler Military Academy, which is a hop, skip, and a jump away from Camp Caprice. Darren is still upset because Ginger will be having fun while he's going to have to spend his days eating bran mush and doing drills until his legs explode. I wonder if Darren's accusations are true--I guess it makes sense that is family doesn't like him the way he is, all sweet and shy. Perhaps they think the extra muscle will be good for him. Either way, his father and brother are real class-A assholes to try to change Darren. This is why people end up resenting their families, by making them do something they don't want to do.

In the next scene, it's dark and windy, and there's some creepy music in the background like something from a PS1 game. An unidentified hand reaches in front of the camera holding some sausage links. Instantly, a yorkie with two big blue bows on her ears comes out curiously through the doggy door. She eats the sausage and then the unidentified hand takes the little puppers away, leading to the next scene: a stolen dog sign. Hey, it's Muffin from the snowstorm episode! I didn't even recognize her.

But wait, how did the owner know his dog was "stolen?" Did he witness the dog-napping from the bathroom window but couldn't rescue Muffin in time because he was stuck on the toilet? Otherwise, why wouldn't he assume that his dog just ran away? Is it because he's aware of the dog-napping pattern that's been going on? And if so, why didn't he keep Muffin locked up safely? So, Carl gets even more desperate after seeing the poster, struggling to find a way to convince his mom to let him stay home. An idea jumps into his head once he sees a cleaning business truck outside: he's going to start his own business as a way to get into peoples' houses and do some sleuthing. So, what do Carl and Hoodsey come up with?

So, ghost lawn mowing is out of the question?

Vampire Cleaning Service. And they're willing to throw in some extremely phallic-looking shiatsu massage to their moms if they say yes. And what do you know? It works. But I only think they're in for the penis massage. Because Lord knows they need a penis in them every now and then.

Courtney is doing some cleaning/packing of her own in her room to prepare for camp, and has enlisted the help of her butlers and maids. Winston is worried for her, and her mom thinks that Courtney is going to be roughing it 3rd world country style. Oh, my God. Send this whole family out into the woods for just one weekend so they can learn how to act like real humans for once. Especially Blake. I'd like to watch him squirm.

Ginger says goodbye to Lois and then gets on the bus to camp.

Courtney almost misses the bus because her maids are struggling to carry her trunk that's weighed down with half a ton of makeup and hiking boots. Ginger's voiceover comes on again, this time about how camp friends and home friends sometimes collide and all hell breaks loose or something like that. And then for the next minute or so, we're subjected to the anthem of Camp Caprice that make me want to rip my ears out of my head. Why? Because the song sucks.

Courtney gets restless standing before the camp counselor for five fucking minutes, and Ginger is rightfully annoyed by this. Maybe Miranda is right--who knows how long it will be before Courtney breaks down from the lack of sufficient moisturizer! Ginger meets up with some old friends and Macie develops a crush on one of the counselors.

The first house that Carl and Hoodsey arrive at to clean is their principal's, and something tells me that it's not exactly appropriate, even though Principal Milty isn't their principal for the time being. So, he becomes Mr. Irresponsible and leaves the boys at his house all alone while he runs some errands. Okay, so if Carl and Hoodsey "accidentally" burn your house down while you're away, it's perfectly reasonable to accuse you of child endangerment, landing you in a federal prison of up to ten years or so, right Milty?

Darren's dad drops Darren off at military camp, and judging by the kid on the background begging his mother--who's driving away so fast you'd think she was traveling through time--to let him stay at his grandma's house instead, it's pretty clear that this isn't going to go over so well for Darren. Isn't military school usually for uncontrollable little shits? This place just seems like a haven for parents who don't want the responsibility of their kids for the summer. Poor Darren.

On the other side of the lake, Dodie sticks up a chalkboard in the cabin for goals they want to complete while at camp. Courtney struggles to drag her trunk into the cabin and wonders where the servants are to carry it to the hotel. Oh, come on! I really think that Courtney is just bullshitting herself--how can she not realize that what she sees is what she gets? If she really did read camping magazines like she said she did, she would know that there are no hotels, servants, or 24-hour room service. She's just trying to save her emotions because she knows she made a mistake coming here. Why do you think she doesn't seem too surprised?

Ginger goes off to see her favorite horse, Lady Gweneviere (I think that's how it's spelled). She gives her a hello nuzzle on the snout and an apple.

Horsey goes neigh.

Some kid comes by and tells her that she's not allowed to feed the stable animals, and he catches on pretty quick that Ginger knows what she's doing. Before he gets a chance to introduce himself, Courtney bothers them to ask where to drop off her dry cleaning and she scares him away. Hey, Courtney may be a complete dolt when it comes to camping, but running off scared of her ignorance is a bit extreme.

While Carl cleans out the couch, he finds a squeaky dog toy under the cushions and runs up to Hoodsey to show him his find. I'm more concerned about Hoodsey, who used toilet bowl cleaner in the bathtub and has turned it blue.

Darren and his campmates perform a drill that involves batons, rain, and their depleting self-dignity.

Oh, look, Miranda's here, too! In what universe do snotty jealous bitches like her end up in military school? Is Nickelodeon actually pulling off some realism here?

That's the tar of bitchiness coming up out of her lungs.

She tells Darren that she was going to go crazy at home without somewhere to go, so her dad, the sergeant, drafted her into the camp. Good. She needs some proper discipline.

Macie's cute camp counselor gathers the girls around a campfire to tell spooky stories. A rustling in the bushes makes everyone shit their pants in fear, but don't worry--it's only the shy guy Ginger met earlier. So, after everyone calms down, Dodie suggests that Macie's goal should be to build up the courage to swim across the camp lake (in response to the scary story about a girl who drowns). S'mores get passed around, volunteers are selected for various camp things, and Dodie gets an opportunity to become a "counselor in training." Cue the goofy, excited face. Wait for it... wait for it...

Ginger is handed a box with a note inside:

So, shy guy has a name. And it is Sasha. Hmph. He must have hippie parents. And then Ginger develops a big ole crush on him.

Here's what the "goals" are so far: Macie's going to try to impress her crush counselor by swimming across the lake, Dodie's going to be a counselor in training, and Ginger is going to try to get some spicy camp ass from Sasha.

And that's the end of the first part.

Morning arises in Camp Caprice. Ginger wakes up early, careful not to disturb Courtney, Dodie, and Macie. Ginger slams the door on the way out, waking up everyone. Courtney has a mini-freakout once she realizes that she's covered in mosquito bites, the straw that broke the camel's back during her "rough" camp experience.

Ginger must obviously be a morning person, because she does this into the morning sunlight:

Ginger unsurprisingly bumps into Sasha, who's on his way to set up the archery court. Ginger tries to make small talk, but Sasha's job keeps him from loitering longer than six seconds, so he bounces. Before he runs off, Ginger pretty much bashes Courtney to make herself look better (no, really, she says that Courtney was totally rude and that she's not like her at all). Sasha seems to take great interest in Ginger, but he still can't have much alone time with her because he's being called over by the top camp counselor.

The next chapter of Carl and Hoodsey's vampire cleaning service opens up with this:

Boo.

Ha. Sorry if I scared you with that. Carl and Hoodsey chase it down to get some refreshing treats from all the blue collar work they did. Meanwhile, Carl suspects that Principal Milty is the dog-napper based on an old squeaky toy he found under the couch cushions, and nothing else. I really think this kid is so desperate to find out what happened to his dog that he'll twist anything into evidence to make himself feel like he's getting somewhere. It's really sad.

Ginger's camp friends come looking for her in her cabin, but once they realize that no one is in the cabin (Courtney is in there, and they clearly see her), they loudly proclaim that no one is there. Courtney tries to introduce herself to the girls, fudging her friendship with Ginger a little, but it's clear that these girls want nothing to do with Courtney, and are actually appalled that she and Ginger are friends. Ugh, how unnecessarily rude. I really feel bad for Courtney here; sure, she may hate it at camp, but at least she's trying. But all the campers (and counselors) shun her just because she isn't one of them. It's a really odd kind of discrimination that just gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Back over at the military school on the other side of camp, the campers have been given a new assignment: to go 48 hours without any type of technology or electricity... or showers---hey, is that Chet Zipper? He's here too?

The buzzcut suits him.

 

Darren makes an obvious remark to Miranda about how her dad is a total tight-ass, and he calls him out on it, but not without reminding him to address him in the appropriate formal fashion. Darren continues to make a fool out of himself, so the sergeant relocates him to the barracks. Miranda jolts up and tells her dad that it's totally unfair, but he rebuttals that she should address him the same way as every other camp member. And she obeys! Wow! Go dad! I mean, go sir Dad, sir!

Mwahaha!

Courtney is falling behind because, out of the brilliant mind of hers, she decided to wear wooden block shoes on a hike through the woods. Oh, God, please please let this girl be infertile. I don't care how rich you are; nobody can be this fucking stupid.

I'm 100% sure these shoes are meant for indoor activities.

Courtney tries to get on Ginger's camp friends' side by telling them that Ian Richton is her boyfriend, and tells them all these lies about him. And then the girls become so impressed that they finally start acknowledging Courtney's existence. Meanwhile, Sasha has been eavesdropping on them the whole time and when he hears that Ginger has a "boyfriend," he gets totally butthurt. No, really, he sincerely looks disappointed.

Really? You're really going to base your feelings off of Courtney's rumors?

During a teambuilding game, Macie's camp counselor crush, Jed (that's his name!) feeds encouragement to the Navajo group (Courtney, Macie, and Dodie) as they go up against the other teams. Where is Ginger during this whole escapade, by the way? Is she allowed to roam the camp freely? I'm pretty sure that's grounds for eviction from camp. Anyway, the girls look miserable and freezing. Though I would just be afraid to swim in the murky lake water. People have died from picking up freshwater parasites from still water. So, they all end up making excuses to not go in the water and it looks like no one is going to--oh, there's Ginger! I was worried I'd catch her copping a feel in the mess hall or something. So, she volunteers to leap into the cold lake water and swim to the island several hundred feet away.

She leaps into the water, and Dodie, Macie, and Courtney chase after her in a canoe. Meanwhile, as motivation, she imagines that Sasha is on the opposite island, allowing her to push through the stinging of the cold water on he skin to make it there.

Sometime later, the Navajo group makes friendship bracelets and Courtney continues to complain about how she's a fucking dunce when it comes to camp and anything dealing with lower middle class traditions. Ginger finishes her friendship bracelet and decides to give it to some girl, Melanie, struggling with an acoustic guitar on the other side of the craft area. She's impressed that Melanie is eight and can already play some guitar, so Ginger takes the guitar and begins to play an embarrassing song about copper-colored ponies to show off her guitar skills.

Copper-colored ponies? Why not gold?

Her singing isn't all that bad, and the song is rather relaxing--but too cutesy, even for my taste. Then again, the girl she's singing to is only eight, so I doubt she'd be comfortable with a Metallica cover or something.

Courtney comes over to tell Ginger that she totally senses the crush spores seeping off her puberty-stricken skin, and forgetting that Ginger isn't actually dating Ian, starts discussing ways to ignite the flame on their love, but before Ginger can stop her, Courtney quickly changes the subject to complain about how camp is totally boring and no one has any idea who she is, but then Ginger retorts back that Courtney probably feels this way because she's too high-maintenance, a homage to Miranda's judgment earlier in the episode. No, Ginger, Courtney feels this way because she has a severe case of entitlement for being cooped up in her own richness for far too long, and doesn't know how to act like a real human being because of it. I mean, wondering where the hotel, maids, and bellhops are? Trying to drop off dry cleaning in the middle of the forest? How about walking across a bed of boulders with Oriental shoes and a parasol?

Does Courtney even realize that there is a world out there, a real world, in the background of her parents' various yachts, jets, and second-third-fourth vacation homes? I forgave her in the beginning for wanting to prove Miranda wrong and wanting to try something new, but it's clear that weeks into the camping experience that she's never going to understand life beyond her convenient comfort. She is a lost cause. And although I should be extremely angry with her ignorance, I honestly cannot feel anything but sorry for her--sorry that one day she's going to go out into the real world without the support of mommy and daddy's money and have to survive on her own like everyone else.

As Carl and Hoodsey continue to work on their vampire cleaning service slash dog-napping mystery, Carl flips on the news to reveal a clue: Sausage Snaps, a brand of dog treats, have been used to lure the missing dogs away from their owners.

And then the reporter eats one of the dog treats.

It's noticeable that Hoodsey is far too invested in this cover-up job, and Carl points it out. He also wonders why Principal Milty continues to hire them to clean his already-clean home. Hoodsey fails to see where Carl is getting at, and Carl continues to get more upset at him for not taking him seriously. Hoodsey is a hair close to calling Carl out on his overreacting until he discovers an entire cabinet filled with Sausage Snaps--the very same treat the dog-napper has been luring the dogs away with.

The doo-rag doesn't fly.

Darren and Miranda are on what looks like paint-scraping duty back at the military school, and it looks like its going to be a long time before they see the light of day again.

Miranda complains about how her summer is "the most miserable summer of [her] life" and hopes that Courtney is just as miserable as she is. Darren then pulls out some letters from Ginger detailing Courtney's psychological breakdown, but teases Miranda, who's dying to know how she's doing. She reads that Courtney hasn't made any friends at camp at all, leading to a shot of Courtney crying on her bed.

Then Courtney goes over to the chalkboard with all of Ginger, Macie, and Dodie;'s list of goals to write: "Survive rest of summer at Camp Caprice."

Once Miranda finishes reading the letter, she instantly regrets all the horrible things she's said about her because she feels so sorry for her. Well, wouldn't you know--Miranda has a heart after all.

And so we have discovered a critically endangered emotion among the bitch species.

She tells Darren that she made a big mistake pushing Courtney's buttons to the point where they both ended up miserable, but then Darren gets an idea.

During a stick hockey match (or something like that), Dodie announces that Matilda, the camp cow, is giving birth and she encourages everyone to come witness the birth of a baby calf, and look how big her mouth is--my God, you can drive a car through that thing.

Vroom.

Several girls gather around Matilda as a farmer and Sasha coach her in delivering her baby. Sasha tells someone to get a towel and some hot water, and Ginger happily volunteers because oh-my-god-he's-so-hottttttt.

And just as Ginger returns with the supplies, Matilda delivers a gorgeous little baby bull free of blood or other birth fluids. Amazing what modern birthing methods can do!

The farmer asks Sasha to name the bull, so he turns to Ginger and in the coldest way imaginable, says, "Ian." Oh, for fuck's sake, Sasha!

You don't even know the girl, and you're flaming with rage because you overheard a girl you don't know say that a girl you just met has a boyfriend? Are you kidding me? Are you really, really kidding me right now? And then Courtney goes and says, "Oh, what a coincidence! Just like Ginger's boyfriend!" Cue catfight nnnnnnnow. (Okay, not really, but wouldn't that just make so much more sense?) I feel like Sasha would, in a few years, become one of those guys who sends a girl a dick pic at random and then curses her out when she doesn't respond by hopping onto his dick. What a fucking tool. I bet he and Ian would become real bros of they ever met.

Carl walks with Hoodsey down the street while he boasts about how much Principal Milty will have to kiss his ass once Carl exposes him as the dog-napper and is Hoodsey eating the dog treats, too? The hell?

Seriously, what's in these dog treats?

Carl speculates that Principal Milty is keeping all the dogs in his basement, as it's the only door in his house he keeps locked. And then wonders how he could break in. But Hoodsey is like, "No way, man. If he's capable of locking a bunch of dogs in his basement, imagine what he'd do to us!" And really it just means he doesn't want to get in trouble for busting down his principal's basement door to find dog porn or something in there.

Back at Camp Caprice, the girls sing that stupid camp song again around a roaring fire. Melanie asks Ginger what's wrong, and then asks about Ginger's boyfriend Ian, and Ginger replies that he's not her boyfriend. So then Melanie says, "That's not what my brother says!" And Ginger must think that the news has spread like wildfire because how could that rumor spread so far so fast, and then we realize that Sasha and Melanie are siblings. Ginger finally realizes what's going on, so when she sees Sasha coming by, she pulls him aside to tell him the truth, but before she can get a word in, Sasha accuses her of being a wannabe, trying to be cool by making up rumors in order to make herself more likeable. Uh, what? Now he's confusing Ginger's motives for Courtney's? Hold on, let me transcribe this whole conversation just so you can see how fucking ridiculous Sasha is:

Ginger: "I think I know why you're mad at me. This is about Ian, right?"
Sasha: "Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me, Ginger. Besides, I've got it all figured out."
Ginger: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Sasha: "Nothing. I just finally realized what kind of girl you are."
Ginger: "Oh, really? And what kind of girl is that?"
Sasha: "A wannabe."
Ginger: "What?!"
Sasha: "A former nobody who just wanted to be "cool," so you cozied up to girls like Courtney and guys like Ian. Mister "rich and popular." Right? Yeah, that's what's important in a guy."

Meanwhile, instead of facing Ginger with these accusations like a man, he has his back turned on her the entire time while he's saying all this, possibly because he's afraid of confrontation. And he knows for a fact that he can't say these things with a straight face because he knows he might be wrong, but he doesn't want to admit it. So to make himself look like he's got Ginger all figured out after three minutes of knowing her and three seconds of eavesdropping on Courtney, he pretty much shouts his big words at the lake. It's the same concept as someone bashing someone else over the Internet.

But, oh my God: the greatest thing happens. Instead of cowering in fear like she always does, Ginger puts her foot down for once and retorts, "How dare you?! You shouldn't judge people you don't even know, Sasha. And you don't know Courtney. And you don't know Ian, and you certainly don't know me!" YEEEEEESSSSS! Finally, a realistic response! I cannot believe that Ginger was slandered by this gardening tool who doesn't even know her, but she handled it perfectly! Though some more biting words would have helped, but this is a kids' show, but still, this was just the greatest moment that ever happened on the show ever. You have no idea how proud I am of Ginger. You have no idea how long I've been waiting for someone to finally get in someone's face and call them out on their bullshit. You see, guys? This is why I love this show. This is why it's Nickelodeon's most well-written show. Moments like this just make me want to get up and dance and throw popcorn around the room while shouting gibberish in Klingon. Woohoo!

Later that night, Carl and Hoodsey watch Principal Milty through his window as he comes upstairs from his basement. He leaves his house for the night, so this becomes the opportunity for the boys to break in and see what's in his basement.

At the military camp, Darren and Miranda escape by steering clear of the security lights and diving into the lake until they reach Camp Caprice. I feel like I'm watching that scene in Holes when Stanley and Zero sneak back into Camp Green Lake to dig a hole to find Stanley's family treasure. Only instead of this ending with a bunch of yellow-spotted lizards climbing all over them, the scene fades to black with the Camp Caprice girls singing that stupid song. Again.

 

And that's the end of part 2.

Part three of the movie opens up with a romantic horror movie scene so cheesy, it's beginning to melt my screen. It's a movie the kids are watching at camp, and I guess it's supposed to be a scary scene because everyone shits themselves at its scariness. And then the movie ends with a "To be continued: Swampson part 3," possibly as a creative way to open up the third part of the Camp Caprice movie.

Dodie sends everyone to bed, and then the camp counselor comes over to congratulate Dodie on her ability to break up everyone's fun. And no, I'm not paraphrasing that--that's actually what she says. And then she gives Dodie the Camp Caprice master key.

And thus confirms the fact that all adults on Nickelodeon, sands Lois Foutley, are bumbling idiots.

Yes, because giving a child a key to all the orifices of a five-acre camp is a wonderful idea!

Carl finds the key to Principal Milty's house and tells Hoodsey that he's not going to call the cops unless he gets the solid proof he needs. Hoodsey is being more apprehensive than usual about the situation to the point where I'm wondering if he's actually the dog-napper. Seriously, this could be the chance to expose their principal as the city dog-napper, but all Hoodsey is worried about is if his mom calls and doesn't pick up. How can that not lead you to suspect that Hoodsey may have something to hide? So, Carl opens the door and a whimpering dog is heard, but that's it. And then the scene abruptly cuts to the military camp where Darren and Miranda are still swimming across the lake.

Dodie is being extremely anal-retentive about her duties, and Ginger and the girls aren't even ready for bed yet before she shuts the lights out on them. Whatta bitch. But it doesn't matter what I think because she's not the main villain in this movie. So, she blames all of her anal-retentiveness on her whistle and her promise to the camp counselor and goes to sleep. Ginger, Macie, and Courtney are sick and tired of the little tyrant running around ruining everyone's fun, so Ginger flips the lights back on and before she gets a chance to say anything, Melanie knocks on their door. Man, no one ever lets Ginger get a word in edge-wise. She's always being cut off no matter what. Ginger gives her back her guitar and then offers to walk her back to her cabin.

Meanwhile, Carl and Hoodsey find a golden retriever named "The Dutchess" downstairs with a muzzle around her snout. I'm sure there's a reason for it, but it just looks so cruel in cartoon form.

Hoodsey wonders where the other dogs are and then looks to a burning furnace to his left, and they speculate that Principal Milty cooked all the dogs alive. Why? I don't know. Probably because they are too young and stupid to realize that Milty isn't the dog-napper.

Darren and Miranda rest once they get to dry land, and Miranda realizes that Darren is totally useless when it comes to setting up camp. And then she proceeds to sharpen a branch into a spear and then hooks a fish just like that.

Ginger and Melanie talk about marriage and Sasha while they're walking, and once they hear voices, they make a run for it back to their cabins. Ginger sneaks in and manages to get some sleep without getting caught.

Joanne calls Lois one night and reminds her that Hoodsey needs to take his medicated nose drops nightly. Lois is like, "Well what are you calling me for? Go up to your son's room and give them to him." But then Joanne patronizingly says that he's sleeping over at the Foutleys and you know where this is going.

Macie wakes up in the middle of the night, puts on her swimsuit, and shines a flashlight at the summer goals board. She's ready to conquer her fear of the lake, and the middle of the night in the pitch black where no one can see or hear her if/when she drowns is the perfect time to do so.

Macie slams the door, angrily waking Dodie up, who goes outside to investigate.

Carl and Hoodsey set up a physical trap for their principal (one of those net rope hammock things that captures you in a sling when you step on it). He opens the door and we see a lady friend next to him. Ooh la la! Principal's gettin' some!

And then Milty gets caught in the trap.

Milty's date runs away in fear after she hears the cops pulling up to the driveway, and Carl and Hoodsey pull the ole "We know what you've been up to" schtick, but it's clear that he's innocent. Lois shows up with the police, saying that she knew where Carl was based on the sirens, and tells him he's in a shitload of trouble. Carl tries to tell the cops that Milty is the dog-napper, and he has proof, and the cops call his bluff.

Macie prepares to jump into the lake, but not before a few motivational stretches.

Darren may have broken his leg, so Miranda goes off for help. Who she's going to get, I don't know, because no matter who she gets for help, she and Darren will be reported to the military camp and possibly be reprimanded for sneaking out.

Macie sees Miranda swimming her way, but thinks it's the "lost swimmer" from the story Jed told the camp, and she runs to tell Dodie about it. Dodie's like, "Stop it. That's just a ghost story," and tells her it's probably a wolf when they both hear Miranda howling like the girl in the story. Macie continues her string of bad decisions and decides to swim after the source of the howling.

Dodie tries to blow her whistle to alert the counselors, but her whistle has come loose off her rope, so she runs back to the cabin to find her master key. You know, because waking up a counselor isn't a logical thing to do in this situation. Her own dignity and authority are at stake, here! Macie realizes that the lost swimmer is actually Miranda. Just then, Dodie, Courtney, and Ginger arrive to rescue Macie via speedboat, and are shocked to see Miranda in the water. Miranda takes control of the speedboat since she has some experience with one, and rushes over to Darren to rescue him.

The next scene cuts to Macie wrapping Darren's busted leg up with a cast from a first aid kit while Miranda tells the story about how she and Darren escaped from the tyrannical follies of military camp. Meanwhile, Ginger is having some kinky fantasies about her and Sasha and practically lets everyone know when she moans his name out loud. Damn, Ginger, you need better taste in men.

Check under her bunk bed to make sure there's no Sasha shrine made out of bubble gum.

After Carl and Hoodsey explain their side of the story, Milty goes on to tell his side, which we're supposed to believe is the truth (not that I'm doubting, just stating it). He says that The Dutchess is his dog and she is chained up in his basement because his new girlfriend hates dogs and is allergic. As Milty pets his pup, his girlfriend comes back, looking very angry. And I redact what I said earlier about Hoodsey being the dog-napper. It's Milty's girlfriend doing it because she hates dogs. I just know it this time.

Carl is embarrassed knowing that Milty isn't the city dog-napper, and is even sadder knowing that he's never going to get his dog back. The police leave, Milty fires the boys, and when he goes to give The Dutchess (man, what a stupid name) some more snuggles, he realizes that she's gone.

Milty's girlfriend drives The Dutchess out of town and releases her into the wild (like all the rest of the dogs she's admittedly taken), and then The Dutchess farts in response.

Courtney realizes that the kids aren't singing the annoying camp song like they're supposed to do every morning, which means that something serious has happened. Dodie freaks out, and right before they go outside to investigate, the counselor comes onto the PA and announces that 14 camp rules have been broken in the past 24 hours and that two Spangler military refugees are hiding out in the Navajo cabin. Was it really necessary to announce that to the whole camp? Why not just come barging through the cabin door if you know it's happened? These stupid counselors, I swear...

When the gong sounds, everyone reports to the appropriate location for a meeting. The counselor asks that the Navajo girls and the fugitives come up to the front row to be humiliated beyond belief, as well as to be read all the rules they broke in the last night. Seriously, if you counselors knew what was going on, why didn't you run out there and stop them? What's the point of reading them the rules they broke in front of the rest of the camp? Is there no logic allowed in Camp Caprice? The counselor permanently suspends the Navajo cabin and revokes Dodie's whistle. Honestly, this was all Macie's fault. She should be the one apologizing the most. And it's Dodie's fault too... because she was supposed to report what was going on... and because I hate the very ground she walks on.

I told you--you should have alerted a counselor instead of taking matters into your own hands.

Before Dodie walks off, she wipes away her tears and throws out a big, stupid speech about if she suspends the Navajo cabin, she suspends what the Navajo cabin stands for and yadda yadda yadda. Shut up, sit down, and accept your punishment, you driveling little turd. You too, Ginger. And Macie. Shut. Up. Stop embarrassing yourselves. But, of course, the rules are overruled and instead, the Navajo cabin is commended for their efforts in liberal agenda, and Macie and Dodie should really just be punished for breaking the rules in the first place. Cue the patriotic music and the cheering crowd. Gag me with a spoon. I'm not paraphrasing this jibber-jabber that was lazily thrown together.

Courtney admits that she's having fun for once, and apologies are made and received. Ginger goes up to the microphone to quote Melanie since they're all on the subject of speaking their minds: "When you feel strongly about something, you're supposed to let it out." Then, she borrows Melanie's guitar to play and sing a song for Sasha. And it's the copper-colored pony song. Again, gag me with a spoon.

Is that supposed to fix all the slandering and name-calling he's done? Are we really supposed to like this Sasha guy now? And are we really supposed to believe that he feels differently about Ginger after she told him to fuck off and then wrote a song about ponies for him? You know what, maybe Sasha is right--Ginger is a wannabe. She's unstable, actually. And she has horrible taste in boys. And I'm still pretty sure Sasha is going to become one of those verbally abusive boyfriends if he and Ginger decide to date. What a shitty movie, with the only golden moment being Ginger telling Sasha off, only to totally forgive him in the very end.

Oh God why?

And what happened with the dog-napper woman? Was she ever caught? There are so many plot holes in this movie that I can't even believe that this was the finished product. And they still chose to end it in the cheesiest, corniest way possible that it makes Full House look like The-goddamn-Sopranos. Where's the effort? Where's the fantastic storylines and realism?

Honestly, I've never seen a lot of these episodes I've been reviewing recently. I've never even seen this movie. But I'm trying so hard to find commendable aspects of the show, and it's getting harder and harder with all the lazy writing and gaping plot holes, not to mention that motherfucking corny speech someone makes to rile a crowd up.

At least season 1 is over. Here's hoping season 2 will be better. Please.



Lessons Learned From This Movie: Never assume anything; always get your facts straight before making any accusations about anybody; camp is horrible