Season 1, Episode 16: "An "Even Steven" Holiday Special"

Oh boy, a Christmas episode. I generally hate episodes like these (for any show) because they're always so sappy and preachy and sentimental. Thankfully, the Hanukkah episodes tend to be less preachy, so the fact that this episode is about both religious holidays, hopefully we'll find some sort of tolerable balance.

I don't recall seeing a Christmas/Hanukkah episode outside of Nickelodeon. The Rugrats had a similar holiday crossover episode, and I'm pretty sure they also threw in a Kwanzaa subplot for the Carmichaels' sake. I'm sure its sole purpose was to appeal to as many kids as possible. In that case, why not have a separate Christmas episode, a separate Kwanzaa episode, and a separate Hanukkah episode, focusing on different characters' families? No wonder everyone who's not white often feels left out. Have you ever noticed that religion is never mentioned on Nickelodeon except in these holiday episodes? Otherwise, religion is totally non-existent, with the exception of the occasional bar mitzvah (or bro mitzvah--if you remember that episode from That's So Raven).

So, anyway, it's time to get into that holiday spirit. Light your menorahs, string your lights around your fake pine trees, grab a cup of hot chocolate, and let's get into the review!


It's snowing again in Sheltered Shrubs. As far as I know, it almost never snows in the northeast until after the new year, so already this is starting out unrealistic. God forbid we even get a white Christmas. Anyway, Ginger is making a family tree, possibly for a school project, in the living room. She bemoans the fact that her family tree is as shriveled up as an old man's scrotum.

I guess aunts, uncles, and cousins don't count as family.

Lois comes into the living room, so Ginger asks if she has any pictures of Jonas laying around. They dig through the pile of pictures and discover a picture of Ginger's grandfather, and Ginger realizes pretty quickly that he was Jewish. And that means that Ginger is one-quarter Jewish, bringing her an unnatural amount of delight:

She looks like a donkey with those bottom teeth sticking out.

Carl opens up a bunch of non-perishable canned foods in Hoodsey's room while Hoodsey is busy writing a letter to Santa. Wait, why is he writing to Santa? I always assumed the Bishops were Jewish. And also, isn't he a bit too old to still believe in him? Whatever. So, Hoodsey turns around and reads Carl his letter. Get a load of this letter: Hoodsey is thanking Santa for all the awesome toys and "fruit-scented body splashes" he expects to get, and also asks Santa for some "rhythm." Hahahaha, WHAT?!?! Hoodsey is upset that he dances like a typical white boi, and hopes that Santa can fix his two left feet. To prove that Hoodsey isn't just fucking with Carl, Hoodsey turns up some kid-friendly hip-hop on his boombox and busts a move. Carl is deeply disturbed by what he is seeing.

Carl tells Hoodsey that writing a letter to Santa is totally pointless since he doesn't exist, and because it interferes with his can-opening scheme. But Hoodsey's like, "Nuh-uh, Santa is totes real!" And then shows Carl a picture of him with his dad dressed as Santa to prove it.

Hoodsey calls it "disgusting" that Carl would accuse his father of being Santa (why, I have no idea) and then kicks Carl out for insulting him. Damn, what a baby.

Ginger calls Dodie and Macie to tell them about her new heritage, and they are utterly shocked. What's the big deal? So, she had a Jewish grandfather. That's hardly worth anything more than a "oh, how interesting." But all three girls insist on making a huuuuuge deal out of it. Ginger hangs up to bang up her computer for research on Judaism, and then Dodie decides that she wants to convert so that she can be closer to Ginger and because she thinks Ginger is going to be totally different now that she's Jewish. Oh, what the fuck, Dodie? Seriously, what the fuck?

Macie tells Dodie that they don't need to convert to Judaism, but should support Ginger as she explores her new heritage. YES. YES! Thank God for Macie! Thank God for common sense! I swear, sometimes I think someone repeatedly bashed Dodie's head against a brick wall when she was a baby. Or maybe because her mother didn't hug her enough when she was born--I hear that kind of thing can really mess with children's development.

Lois is trying to decide what to make for their Christmas Eve open house dinner, and suggests roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. Carl suggests Chinese food, but they already did that last year. Ginger is still obsessing over being Jewish, so, naturally, she asks if they can celebrate Hanukkah. Lois is impressed with Ginger's dedication to Judaism that she decides, "What the hell, let's go buy a big ass menorah."

Hoodsey asks his dad if Santa is real, and he rebuttals with a warning not to question the status quo. Joanne comes through and, upon hearing that Carl doesn't believe in Santa, fills Hoodsey's head with all sorts of shit like "Well, Carl probably doesn't believe in Santa because he' never got anything he wanted since he's a turd's asshole, and probably gets a big, fat lump of coal every year."

What a class-A bitch.

Hoodsey retorts by telling Joanne all the cool stuff Carl got last year, but then Joanne's like, "Well, did he actually ask for any of that stuff?" Damn. That's cold. I would say that it's borderline psychotic for her to fill her son's head with so much bullshit, but I suppose you already knew that by now. It's no wonder Hoodsey is constantly on edge whenever he's around Carl. He's being brainwashed by his own mother, and his father doesn't do or say a damn thing about it. And now their daughter wants to convert to Judaism solely because her best friend's grandfather was Jewish. Talk about a fucked-up family.

The girls continue to work on their family tree projects in the library. Well, Dodie and Macie are. Ginger is still sitting there with the Torah trying to absorb every bit of Judaism as humanly possible.

Okay, while I think it's cool that Ginger is so interested in Judaism, her obsession with it is really disturbing. She's really milking this Jewish cow for all it's worth. All she wants to do, say, eat, read, and shit is Judaism, Judaism, Judaism. Don't forget, Ginger, that you're still a Christian. I'm not religious myself, but I'm pretty sure you can't be both Christian and Jewish. And no, the fact that Jesus was Jewish doesn't count.

Hoodsey comes to the doghouse to talk to Carl, but he's currently in a sour mood from Hoodsey kicking him out of his room. He carefully questions Carl about why he doesn't believe in Santa and if he got what he actually wanted last year, you know, as a test to see if Joanne is talking out of her ass or not. After many biting one-sentence answers, it is revealed that Carl stopped believing when his wish for his dad to visit him for Christmas never came true. And then, to break the awkward tension, Carl's mood lifts, so he asks Hoodsey if he wants to recycle all the cans he stole from Hoodsey's house. Hoodsey just stands there and says, "I don't think that's a stupid wish, Carl." And then the commercial comes on.

In the kitchen, Lois and Ginger throw together a big ole Hanukkah feast, complete with matzo balls and minced potatoes. What a sweet mother-daughter moment.

I wish I could have these moments with my own mother.

A skinny Santa rings a bell and stands outside to solicit donations:

Carl and Hoodsey round the corner. As soon as Carl runs off to do Carl things, Hoodsey runs up to the man in the suit and asks for his advice. It's pretty obvious that the skinny Santa is actually Jonas Foutley, Carl and Ginger's father, but before he can reveal to Hoodsey his true identity, guess who comes sauntering up to drop in a few coins like the "good boy" he is?

Hoodsey tells him to go away because he and Santa are speaking, but Higsby's like, "Santa is for everyone. You can't hog him." But then Jonas swoops in to save the day by telling Higsby to go away. PWNED. And by Santa Claus, nonetheless! That's a much more satisfying present than a pair of sweet feet, don't you think, Hoods?

Higsby runs off, so Hoodsey takes the time to personally ask Santa/Jonas to grant Carl's wish of bringing his father home for Christmas. It's a really sweet moment, until Higsby throws a snowball at Hoodsey, causing him to run after him. A new guy in a Santa suit comes by to take the next shift, and we finally get to see what Jonas Foutley looks like for the first time in the series:

He does kind of look like Ginger and Carl. I know, no duhhh.

In class, while everyone is showing off their family trees, some kid shows off his giant dreidel to Ginger and talks about Judaism with her. Why am I not surprised? Dodie slides over and asks Ginger if she'll be coming over to help her trim her Christmas tree, as it's tradition, but Ginger says that she's going to feel uncomfortable doing that sort of thing now. Dodie plays dumb and is like, "Is it for environmental reasons?" But then Ginger patronizingly retorts, "No, for religious reasons."

Holy fuck, Ginger. Holy fucking flaming balls. Did you really just say that?

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable myself. What are these strange feelings I'm experiencing? No. It can't be. Am I... no way... am I really feeling sorry for Dodie? And am I feeling sympathy for her when she runs out of the classroom crying because she thinks Ginger is abandoning her, and Christianity, altogether for a new religion? Perhaps it's the magic of the Christmas/Hanukkah episode that's getting to me, but here's my two cents: this episode plays on the religious extremists who take their beliefs too seriously to the point where they don't even practice it correctly. Just because Ginger is "Jewish" now doesn't mean that she can't touch Christmas with a 39-and-a-half-foot-pole. Just because she's a total fangirl of the Torah now doesn't mean that she can just abandon her current religion. I may not be religious myself, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

But while Ginger has every right to do what she wants to do, including whether or not to trim some attention-whore's tree, she should not be using her itty-bitty Jewish heritage to justify her boredom with Christmas. I can guarantee you that the only reason Ginger is excited about having Jewish ancestry is because her Christmas family tree is lacking (her father, closer relatives, etc), and Judaism is a way for her to fill the void in her life. And by milking her Jewish heritage bone dry, she's becoming more distant from what she sought out to seek. This is, without a doubt, the darkest moment on the show to date.

In the doghouse, Carl perfects his newest prank: a motion-sensitive mistletoe that sprays water. Oh, come on, you can be more creative with that. Fill it with gravy or syrup... or pee. Hoodsey barges in and tells Carl that he talked to Santa, and keeps pestering him about his existence. Carl comes right out and tells Hoodsey that all his campaigning is getting on his nerves. Hoodsey finally realizes that Carl is serious, so he backs away and can't believe that something is coming between their friendship. A Wednesday. You just had to break that totally awesome serious moment, didn't you, Hoods? Carl can't take his best friend seriously anymore (and who would after that shit?) So he kicks him out of the doghouse.

"Don't let the door hit you where the Big Guy split you." - Carl

So, Hoodsey leaves, but not without delivering a big, sappy speech about how Santa works in mysterious ways, leaving Carl to think about his sentimental words.

In the living room, Lois lights a menorah and stands back to admire her work. It's only then that she notices her kids sitting there like lumps. Ginger wonders if Dodie's right, and if she turned her back on Christmas to be "fair" to Hanukkah. Okay, water down the meaning for us. This show is geared towards kids, after all. Not like they're capable of understanding or anything. So, Ginger asks Lois if they can celebrate both holidays, and Lois replies, "Whatever floats your boat, kiddo." So, the three of them whip up the best darndest Christmas-Hanukkah crossover Nickelodeon ever did see.

So, you're telling me Lois didn't have a fake tree stowed away in the basement for them to use?

So, the open house party is well under-way, and Ginger has turned from an obsessive Torah-thumper to a politically correct spaz in extremely high spirits. Damn, can nothing be in moderation with this girl? Why go from one extreme to another? And then Carl comes downstairs in African clothing and a keyboard to present us with his rendition of Jingle Bells. Wait, what? I am so confused. I thought he was going to say something about Kwanzaa.

Meanwhile, Jonas as Santa sits outside the Foutley house in a camper van with the creepiest Goddamn smile I've ever seen:

Yeesh. He's lucky the police weren't around.

Carl and Hoodsey rekindle their friendship, as do Ginger and Dodie, but it's pretty clear that Ginger isn't all that comfortable with the Christmas-Hanukkah split judging by the giggly hastiness of her voice.

Darren helps Carl set up a novelty reindeer silhouette figurine that pees yellow light:

Stay classy, Sheltered Shrubs.

Carl spots Jonas sitting outside in his truck, so he walks over to him. Jonas invites Carl to sit next to him, but Carl nonchalantly answers that Lois taught him never to get into a car with strangers. "Ouch," replies Jonas. Ouch, indeed, but a well-deserved ouch for being so flaky. But Carl gets in anyway, and Jonas gives him a Christmas present. It's a gumball machine full of peanuts--which Carl is deathly allergic to. Damn--that sure goes to show how involved he is in his children's lives.

So, Jonas comments on how nicely the house is decorated, but then suddenly notices it's on fire. They both run out of the car and into the house, because that's always a smart thing to do in that situation. He grabs a hose that's conveniently located on the front porch and sprays the fire out.

Once the flames are out, everyone notices that Jonas was the one who saved them all.

Everyone leaves, not even bothering to help Lois clean up the mess. How incredibly rude. Someone's living room almost burns down and they just leave angrily without so much as a sympathetic volunteer to help clean up? Dicks. Jonas notices the awkward situation he's now created by appearing in his family's lives again, so he tries to make an excuse to leave. Ginger tries to get him to stay, but it's clear that there's no reason for him to (I doubt he will help clean up). It's revealed that Carl's peeing reindeer caused a power surge (why it would set the living room on fire, I don't know), and then Ginger starts to cry at all her wasted efforts. Or because of her brother's stupidity. I can't tell.

Finally, Ginger delivers the all-too-common speech on what Christmas is about, because it wouldn't be a Christmas episode without a heavy-handed moral on the real meaning of Christmas. And nobody ever gets it right. They always say the meaning of Christmas is about friends and family and all the joy and love they bring, but no one ever says "The meaning of Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ." But how will kids learn from that? That was sarcasm, by the way.

Hoodsey comes downstairs the next morning to open his Christmas presents. The first one he opens is from Carl. It's the electric can opener with a note about how Carl just may believe in Christmas after all. Hoodsey gets all excited so he looks straight into the camera and says, "Hey, if Carl's Christmas wish came true, maybe mine did, too!" So, he turns up the tunes and starts dancing. He finally got some mojo, so he dances and dances until his little footy-pajama'd feet fall off.

Phew. Glad we got through that episode. Atheism, fanaticism, a deadbeat dad, and political correctness all rolled into one train wreck of an episode, not to mention tied together with a big, red sentimental bow. I really hope this is the end of the shitty episode trend. Where are all the good episodes this show is known for?



Lessons Learned From This Episode: don't abandon your own religion just because you had a relative who was of another faith and become obsessed with it because you're trying to fill a void in your life; don't mess with Santa Claus.