Season 1, Episode 13: "I Spy a Witch"

Boo! Halloween is approaching, and that means tricks and treats, scary stories and soiled pants, and dental bills up the wazoo. This episode must be aired out of order because Hello Stranger took place in November. Ah, who am I kidding trying to apply chronological episode order to a Nickelodeon show, much less a cartoon?

Miranda and Mipsi sneak around on school property to pull a prank--the ole vandalize-the-school -statue bit. They paint its face green, throw on a witch hat and cape, add some claws, and even a pretty, purple bra. Oh, and don't forget the broomstick in its crotch. I don't know if the leg was already broken, but just for Miranda's sake, I'll assume she had broken it long ago.

The next morning, everyone looks on at Miranda and Mipsi's work with awe, including Ginger, Dodie, and Macie. No one knows who vandalized the statue, so the principal comes out with a megaphone in his hand, demanding to know what kind of demon spawn that crawled out of all nine circles of Hell would do something like this. It's not that bad. Though the green-painted face and bra were pushing it a bit. When no one fesses up, the principal decides it's necessary to launch an "official investigation," instead of just realizing that a little bit of soap, water, and a big broomstick shoved firmly up the ass is all that's needed here. No one gives a shit about the investigation, and why should they? It's not like the principal threatened them with anything. He's just all bark and no bite. As we take one last look at the festive statue, the scene cleverly segues over to Miranda laughing her typical maniacal laugh. Someone flick some holy water on her forehead, already. I want to see if she burns.

Laugh, my dear, laugh your evil little heart out.

She and a bunch of other people are standing around on a stage where they're auditioning for the school play. Ms. Zorski is the director, probably because the show didn't want to go through the trouble of hiring and paying a new voice actor, then drawing a new character that we'll never see again. It's a smart decision, but whatever. All I'm saying is that theatre teachers are supposed to be involved in these productions.

Ms. Zorski nervously tells Miranda that she'd be great for the part of Glenda, you know, the good witch from The Wizard of Oz. My God... how gaudy and grandeur must the word "IRONY" be before it will suffice for this very moment? Ms. Zorski announces the official cast for their play, I Spy a Witch, an obvious parody of Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible. Hell yeah, I read that in high school. Everyone in my class hated it, though. So, the characters' names in I Spy a Witch sound oddly similar to those in The Crucible, so I'll just refer to the characters as such. Dodie gets cast as Reverend John Proctor. Of course she does.

Once Dodie comes down from her high, being the protagonist in the play and all, the gears start turning in her head and realizes that--gasp!--John Proctor is a boy's role! And then she gives a speech about how it's now her sacred duty to bring "authenticity" and "passion" to her new gender-confused role. Of course she does. Macie gets cast as Betty Parris, the girl under the spell of witchcraft. Ginger gets cast as Abigail Williams. Of course she does. This news causes Miranda much distress.

Sorry, you lose.

Instead of just accepting the fact that the star of the TV show always gets the best of everything, including the lead in the school play, she waltzes up to Ms. Zorski and is like, "You made a mistake. Everybody knows that I should totally play Abigail!" And then she threateningly says that she even learned all the lines. Well, that was your own damn fault, Glenda. You shouldn't put all your sins in one hell circle--I mean, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Luckily, Ms. Zorski tells her that she doesn't give a shit, so she assigns Miranda as Ginger's understudy as well as the exciting role of Villager #3. Oooooh!

The trio rehearses their lines in Ginger's kitchen while Lois makes some candied spaghetti.

Girls, it's called "acting," not "reading your lines in a deeper, robotic voice."

In the background, Carl and Hoodsey hide in the corner waiting for their prank to be set off. While Lois goes to rinse off some maraschino cherries, she has Ginger and the girls stir the spaghetti. So, Carl makes an ode to Maude (remember crazy old Maude from episode 2?) and watches as Lois opens the fridge to a fake bloody hand.

I can't help but notice how big Lois's ass is. I didn't even notice the fake hand falling out at first because of this big, round ass in the corner. I've always realized how fat Lois is, but she really sticks this thing out in front of the camera here. Just look at it; it's like someone stuffed a beach ball down the back of her pants.

So, Lois, unfazed by Carl's prank, tells him to put the hand back on the car companion. He takes the hand and leaves with Hoodsey, pissed at how rusty their pranking has gotten since last Halloween.

The trio rehearses their lines with the rest of the class, and it's pretty damn obvious that these people should be pelted with rotten pumpkins for this piss-poor performance they consider acting. I actually believe they would be better off with Miranda as the lead. At least she has that laugh. Or just get Dodie out of there. Let her be the curtain puller. Ms. Zorski looks like she wants to shoot herself for answering all of Dodie's stupid questions, so she decides to just let the cast do the song and dance number--wait, what? Why does The Crucible need a song? The Salem Witch Trials was a tragic, historically-accurate event. What is the song and dance there for? For comical entertainment? It's not even clever--it's all about how no one will believe Abigail trying to convince everyone that Betty isn't a witch, and that Abigail will be a guest at their "Salem barbecue." What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?

I thought it would end after that, because the camera pans over to the principal complimenting Chet Zipper on his *awesome* job painting an already brown tree brown, but Chet's all modest with his enticing anecdote on how he was going to use the roller to paint the tree, but it was broken. I'm not making this up.

The song unfortunately continues, and it's excruciating to listen to, especially because Dodie has a solo part, and I hate hearing this girl speak, let alone sing. But she's not even the problem here. The entire song is such a slap in the face to the victims of the Salem Witch Trials that I can't believe it was ever green-lighted by the big-wigs of Nickelodeon. Salem barbecue! Hey, in 300 years, why not have junior high students put on a play about the World Trade Center attacks, and throw in a song and dance about how everyone better get out of the buildings quick before terrorists create human sandwiches with the concrete rubble? Sounds horrible because it was a fairly recent event, right? Just writing that was painful, but it's to make a point. The fact that the Salem Witch Trials happened hundreds of years ago doesn't make the song any less offensive. Why sing such an imprudent song about innocent people who were brutally murdered? What can you possibly accomplish with the song that you cannot without it?

Twelve-year-olds should not be learning history like that. This is how history repeats itself.

One of the girls sneaks out of the song to talk to Miranda about what an awesome job she did with the statue (Mipsi e-mailed her the pictures). Miranda says, "You know too much," so the other girl promises to keep it a secret. An idea suddenly pops in Miranda's evil little head, which entices her to turn in Ginger's direction and say, "No one likes a snitch." And you just know right there what Miranda plans to do. In just six minutes, we get big cartoon butts, Miranda and Dodie's irritating personalities poisoning the state of Connecticut, and an offensive song mocking a historic tragedy. What an episode.

Courtney isn't even in this episode, yet Miranda still needs to screw with Ginger's life. What a jealous bitch.

Miranda goes to the principal and straight-up accuses Ginger of messing with the statue, but the principal is like, "Child, Ginger Foutley ain't that kind of girl." Using her evil manipulation skills, Miranda reminds the principal of the enter sign incident from the first episode (again, the fault of the she-beast herself). She leaves after that, the principal allows all of Miranda's lies sink in like a spoon dropped in a bowl of hot soup. From out his window, he watches Ginger get into Lois's car and drive off.

Carl and Hoodsey try and fail again to scare Lois, this time with a liver they're supposed to be having for dinner. Come on, guys. The least you can do is up the acting. You're just as bad as the girls are.

"Can't...go...on...much...longer. Need...acting lessons."

The trio continues to practice their lines in the backyard. And they need all the help they can get! It seems like the only thing they're doing well is reacting to Carl and Hoodsey's dumb pranks. There's a gag in this episode where Macie faints every time she sees Carl holding something disgusting, and Ginger and Dodie have to call Lois over to wake her up. This may or may not be a plot device in the actual play, but we'll see.

As Carl rinses off the liver, he becomes crestfallen at the fact that his scare tactics are shit, and that Maude would be so disappointed with him. Hoodsey, who didn't even like her that much in the first place, agrees and is like, "It's too bad she's dead." As soon as Hoodsey finishes that sentence, an idea pops into Carl's cheeky little head, and runs off to create some new prank involving Maude.

During another rehearsal, Miranda sneaks behind the scenes to stuff Ginger's backpack with fake evidence, which is actually the stuff Miranda used to mess up the statue.

And right as she finishes covering her ass, she hauls ass onto the stage to say her line and choke out her signature laugh.

Carl and Hoodsey (well, mostly Carl) decide to conjure the spirits via séance to speak to Maude. Hoodsey almost pisses his pants because everything Carl subjects him to freaks him the fuck out, so Carl tells him to come back and stop being such a pansy. Carl chants Maude's name and asks if she's there, prompting Maude's old junk that's scattered around to rattle, followed by the lights in the doghouse to flicker. Carl and Hoodsey realize that it didn't work, so Carl drags Hoodsey off to get better stuff to conjure her spirit with. Shouldn't Carl and Hoodsey be in school right now? It's kind of hard to believe that all this is happening after school hours only.

Back at rehearsal, after the students get Ginger in the stocks, the principal calls Ms. Zorski over to speak with her about Ginger. Ms. Zorski comes back to report that one of them has been "accused of committing a crime" and then calls up Ginger in front of the whole class. Way to be subtle, Ms. Zorski. You couldn't just pull her to the side discreetly? Despite her skepticism towards the accused suspect, Ms. Zorski allows the principal to make Ginger empty her backpack, again in front of the whole class. The heck? Ever heard of privacy? And thus, everyone sees all the crap Miranda used to vandalize the statue. Ginger's like, "This stuff isn't mine! I swear!" but the principal refuses to believe her. He suspends her and kicks her out of the play, leaving without letting Ginger explain herself. Damn, what a hardass. Ms. Zorski doesn't even try to stand up for her, knowing what a straight-shooter reputation Ginger has. Nothing here makes sense. Gahhhh!

Lois learns about Ginger's suspension, and tries to help Ginger and her friends figure out who could have framed her. Just so this episode doesn't get too serious, Carl and Hoodsey come into the kitchen as "mutant spinach" for their Halloween costumes. Cute.

They need someone to dress up as radioactive mashed potatoes and another person to dress up as mystery meat to make this the perfect haunted dinner costume ensemble.

Lois believes Ginger, and tells her that first thing Monday morning, she'll go down to the junior high school and scream at the principal for her. And to think all of this is because Miranda wanted to play Abigail Williams. I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the near future, Miranda runs away to Hartford and becomes a prostitute.

Ginger feels so sorry for herself that she won't even go see the play, and decides to just stay home and watch Lifetime movies until she cries herself to sleep. Ginger, Ginger, Ginger... you can't just let Mommy take care of this for you. Try to figure out who framed you, and tell the principal! Don't let Miranda walk all over you again!

"Miranda's gone and done cheat me again."

Coincidentally, as Winston prepares Blake's Mozart costume at his treehouse, Blake pulls out the picture of Miranda defacing the statue, a picture he intercepted from Courtney's computer.

This is probably why texting was invented.

Nice to know that Ginger will be let off the hook and Miranda will get suspended now, but if you ask me, Ginger deserves that suspension just for having a single, wet spaghetti strand for a backbone. Carl and Hoodsey come visit Blake, who is scared by their costumes. Blake mocks their vitamin-enriched leafy goodness, so they kidnap Blake to sacrifice him to their séance. Because using a yuppie seven-year-old should work so much better.

It's opening night, and the play finally begins. Right off with a song. You know, I ordinarily love musicals, but this is just ridiculous.

Once Blake is forcibly sacrificed, Carl tries to contact Maude's spirit again. This time, it actually works. The lights flicker again, and Hoodsey practically starts having a seizure. He glows white after making a few faces, ultimately ending with Maude's spirit entering Hoodsey's body and speaking through Hoodsey to Carl, telling him that it's about damn time he called her.

Carl and Blake's jaws drop to the floor. Maude tells Carl that it's not really her, but her spirit trapped beneath Hoodsey's multiple layers of fat. And then Blake tells Carl in a shaking voice that he actually pissed himself. Carl manages to ignore the smell of Gripling pee staining his floor to ask Maude for advice on how to scare his mom again. Maude's like, "Kid, there ain't nothin' wrong with your pranks. Yo mutha is just too hard to scare after being victim to ten years of your B.S." She uses Hoodsey's hands to pull out the picture of Miranda from Blake's costume and gives it to Carl to save Ginger's permanent record from being blemished further. Before Blake is literally scared shitless, he runs out of the doghouse and back home.

Carl and Maude spend the next few seconds talking about the last night she was alive, and then she smacks into a hoe by stepping on the metal prongs Tom and Jerry style, causing Hoodsey to fall over. Maude's ghost escapes Hoodsey's bruised body, and then she invites Carl to come watch her scare Lois.

She rings the doorbell, Lois answers the door, and promptly shits herself, ruining any chance of getting her deposit back on her bee costume.

This is also my reaction any time I read the comments section on YouTube.

Maude takes a piece of candy off Lois's trick-or-treat tray, gives Lois the evidence picture to give to Ginger, and says a hearty goodbye as she floats away.

Maude says goodbye to Carl, and then disappears back into the spirit world. Hoodsey wakes up just in time to tell him how Maude took over his body like something out of The Exorcist. At the same time, Lois gives Ginger the picture off-camera, prompting Ginger to hop on her bike and ride down to the junior high school to expose the truth.

Ginger tries to get Dodie's attention from behind the curtain, and of course she's not going to notice her because she's busy doing an ass-backwards job as Reverend John Proctor. Instead, Ginger turns to Darren and whispers the news to him, so Darren hands Ginger a costume so she can sneak onstage and ruin the play. Right in the middle of John Proctor's monologue, Ginger walks over and shows Dodie the incriminating picture. Immediately, they start improvising while using the same badly-acted speaking style to reveal that Miranda is the statue vandal. And once everyone on-stage catches on, their "acting" becomes less robotic and much better now that they're practically yelling at Miranda. Now, why couldn't they put this much passion and anger into their fake dialogue? Ms. Zorski, you are a horrible director. Go back to teaching English class.

The cast then breaks into the insensitive song very, very angrily, until Miranda cracks under pressure and reveals that she, not Ginger, was the one who vandalized the statue. And then Dodie gets the closing line and the spotlight. Just like she's always wanted. You happy now, you attention-whore? Of course you're not. Courtney isn't there to sweep you off your feet and give you a big, fat kiss.

The curtain closes, and Dodie and Macie cheer Ginger on for finally exposing the truth. And then they take their bows while leaving Miranda to rot in the stocks. Hopefully the school will keep her in there when they give her ISS. End scene.

I know I rag on Ginger a lot for being so spineless, but it's true. She will not fight her own battles unless she's positive that she will win. If it wasn't for the cleverly woven plot and subplots involving Maude's ghost giving Lois the picture of Miranda to give to Ginger to reveal her innocence, Ginger would still be sitting up in her room with a Lifetime movie, her tears mixing in with the melted ice cream at the bottom of the carton. Ginger really needs to learn how to stand up for herself or else she will be walked on so much later in her life, and it will affect her and fuck her up more than she will ever imagine. Despite this being Ginger's fatal flaw, I like how the writers of this show make Ginger imperfect, because if she didn't have this wet noodle in her back, her character would be very boring.

So, Ginger's spinelessness is done on purpose, though it's a little harder to detect because it's not as prominent as other characters' traits, like Miranda's jealous bitch fits and Dodie's desperation for attention. These traits are more prominent because they're played up to a point where they're borderline unrealistic, whereas Ginger's flaw is woven into her reactions, not her actions. Confused? Notice that Ginger never outright says that she's scared of Miranda. She never says that she doesn't want to look for the perpetrator who framed her. Instead, she just doesn't do it. She doesn't do anything when backed into a corner. She feels sorry for herself until someone figures out a solution for her, and then suddenly gains confidence once she realizes it's working.

Ginger never solves her own problems; she is a social freeloader.




Lessons Learned From This Episode: Dressing up/vandalizing a statue will get you into serious trouble, even if there's no concrete evidence that you were the one who did it; you can summon the spirit of a dead friend using a privileged rich child as a sacrifice; people will do anything for attention