Season 1, Episode 8: "Cry Wolf"

A fire drill forces the junior high kids away from their frog dissections and pro-abstinence sex-ed classes. Once outside, Principal Milty declares that there is no actual fire, and we all know how much pain and suffering the kids would go through if their school burned to the ground. As Ginger is coming up the stairs, Courtney calls her over and practically pushes Miranda out of the way to talk to her. It's actually an extremely rare moment where I feel sorry for Miranda. No wonder she hates Ginger so much--Courtney always pushes her aside whenever Ginger is near. Still, it doesn't make up for the fact that Miranda is always making Ginger's life miserable. She needs to take that shit up with Courtney.

Anyway, Courtney thanks Ginger for not spilling the beans on her anonymous fashion faux pas she reported on a teacher a while back, as it was detrimental to Courtney's learning experience. What?? I bet all my money Courtney reported her for mismatching her shoes with her purse or something.

Dodie bothers Miranda on their way outside, boasting about how much she just looooves fire drills because she can catch up on all the latest gossip. I bet you would, twerp. Miranda tells her to fuck off, which is pretty awesome, and then stares at Ginger and Courtney as they canoodle with each other.

Come on, you have to believe there is a lesbian undertone to this show. "Friends" wouldn't hold and smile at each other like that.

Dodie tells Miranda that she's totally cool with Miranda ignoring her very existence because Ginger is her best friend and will let her in on all the gossip. Miranda ushers Dodie to look over at Ginger and Courtney and is like, "Oh really? 'Cause looks like your best friend has found herself a new best friend herself." But Dodie's like, "Pshaw, yeah right."

Courtney and Ginger volunteer to demonstrate the proper use of the fire hose. Miranda uses their bonding as an opportunity to convince Dodie that she's been replaced, but Dodie's in denial, even though you can tell on her big, ugly face that Ginger and Courtney would make better friends anyway. Then, Dodie tries to convince Miranda otherwise by mentioning that, unlike Courtney, she knows all of Ginger's secrets, which she carelessly blabs to Miranda, including her deepest, darkest secret of all (not her crush on Ian Richton), but her "frizzy-lizzys," her gross, yeti legs that Lois won't let her shave. Oh my God, Dodie. When. Will. You. Learn. To. Keep. Your. Gigantic. Pie. Hole. Shut?! And then, because of this new piece of top-secret information Dodie threw in her face, Miranda makes this face, because you just know she's going to use it against Ginger:

Instead of photoshopping horns and a pointy beard on a picture of an evil person, just photoshop Miranda Killgallen's face onto their shoulders. It'll pack more of a punch.

Mrs. Gordon busts Carl's balls to make sure he doesn't take his sweet-ass time retrieving chalk from the teachers' supply closet by using a stopwatch to time him. On his way, Carl pulls a few amateur pranks just to fill his daily quota. Under a water fountain, he finds a discarded toupee.

After Carl hides the toupee under his shirt for mischievous purposes later, a teacher pops out of a classroom nearby, and it's obvious that the toupee belongs to him. How could someone just lose something like that? It's not like it's a wallet or house keys, it's your freaking hair! Carl patronizingly asks him why he's suddenly gone bald, but he just shoos him away. Never assume Carl isn't up to something.

Miranda waits for Ginger by her locker to inform her that her life is officially over. She demands Ginger to stay away from Courtney, otherwise, the whole school will know about the red forest growing below her knees. Because Gingeris (quite literally) backed into a wall, she bows down to Cruella de Killgallen.

Shit like this is why there are so many teenage suicides.

Back in the doghouse, Carl and Hoodsey toss the toupee back and forth, and then when that gets boring, Carl sticks it on his face, to the hilarity of both boys.

Zorro?

Carl says that he feels "absolutely wolf-ened" with the greasy hairpiece on his face, and declares himself as Wolf Boy. I hope he doesn't rip off his shirt in the middle of the episode to show off his underdeveloped pecs.

Dodie and Macie are chillin' in Ginger's room while Ginger panics and wonders how Miranda could have possibly found out about her gradual wolf transformation. Come on, Ginger can't be the only girl in the school with hairy legs. It happens to so many girls during puberty that it's considered a normal part of growing up. So, why would it come as such a big shock to anyone? Or is everyone in this school a late bloomer? The guilt somehow breaks through Dodie's impenetrable ego, causing her to break down and reveal herself as the rotten "friend" she is. She tries to justify her betrayal by saying that their friendship was threatened, but Ginger's like, "How could you?!" I keep telling you, Ginger, cut ties with this girl before she abandons you in the street somewhere when she gets the chance to suckle on Courtney's toes.

After a long hard day of cleaning bed pans, Lois soaks her feet in a bucket of water. Hoodsey peers into the water and inquires about a gross lump on her toe. In the background, Carl searches for a book called Diseases: Tried and True. Hoodsey drops his apple into the foot bath, and then Carl takes a bite out of it, intrigued by its eucalyptus and sweaty foot-enhanced flavor. Oh, that's disgusting! Isn't there anything that revolts them? Maybe prepubescent girls. Or just girls in general.

Ginger's first sign of rebellion emerges as she takes matters into her own hands. The trio locks themselves in Dodie's bathroom to prepare to take a proverbial weed-whacker to Ginger's legs.

Ginger takes a razor and lifts it to her cream-covered leg. She makes a face like she always makes whenever she's around Courtney, only to be stopped by Joanne pounding on the bathroom door telling her that Lois wants her home. Ginger rolls down her pant leg on top of all the cream, and leaves. Why didn't she just wipe it off? Is she that desperate to hide her urge to shave? And besides, Lois probably wouldn't notice her legs if she shaved them, so the whole ordeal is pretty ridiculous.

Lois drives the kids to school. Ginger is curled up against the passenger seat, thinking about how much her legs must itch this time of year, and Carl still has the toupee on, except now, he's created bushy eyebrows, furry cheeks, and stubble out of it. Somehow, Lois believes that it's real hair growing on her son's face, even though she should know better by now.

Miranda has successfully made Ginger her bitch, because Ginger is now scared to death to go near her. Well to be fair, Miranda is standing outside their classroom door hounding innocent students for her whereabouts. She begs Darren to tell Miranda that she's out sick today, even though all that will do is make herself more of a threat to her. So, what's Ginger supposed to do about class? Skip every one that she and Miranda share?

After school, Hoodsey holds a freak show in the Foutley back yard, starring Wolf Boy. About a dozen kids crowd around to witness Carl's convincing faux facial hair and wolf transformation. Higsby tries to feed him a veggie burger, because he is a smart ass. 

While preparing dinner together, Ginger tries to talk to Lois about her legs. In a poor attempt to scare her into diverging away from shaving, Lois presents her with an anecdote that involves a young Lois shaving her legs behind her mother's back, ending with a horse stolen by rodeo clowns. Ginger's like, "What the hell?" and then Lois basically spells it out for her by saying that once she starts shaving, she won't be able to stop. Doesn't she realize her daughter's social life is hanging by the hairs on her you-know-whats?!

There's a running gag/joke solution throughout this episode where Macie suggests Ginger move to France, as she'll blend in with the stereotype of super-hairy French women. Man, the writers of this show must have some real beef with France. First Ginger being a fan of their "French toast," and now being encouraged to move there to blend in with the hairy people? I hope Macie doesn't pull a false mustache and a beret out of her backpack. After Ginger's friends fail to give Ginger real advice, Courtney approaches with Miranda trailing behind, and asks where she's been since the fire drill. Miranda butts in, using horrible puns about her Elmo legs to shoo her away to the library, and Ginger obliges like a puppy caught in a thunderstorm. Courtney looks devastated, because now she thinks Ginger is avoiding her on purpose, even though she's too brainless to realize that Miranda is keeping them apart. Seriously, she's standing right next to her!

You can tell she enjoys her work. Poor Courtney.

Man, how pathetic! I know I praise this show for being deeper and more complex than other Nickelodeon shows, but this episode in particular has to be the shallowest one of all. I wish I could jump into Ginger's body and tell Miranda to fuck off, and that she has no right to dictate who I can and can't be friends with. I'd even roll up my pant legs and show off my legs right there, just to throw Miranda off her high-horse. Man, Ginger, grow some balls. Seriously!

After school in Ginger's room, the girls come up with another idea to solve Ginger's hairy problem. They let Dodie near a pair of tweezers and allow her to pluck each individual hair.

And for the first time, we get to see the freaky beast that is Ginger's lower limbs:

That's... that's it? That's the extent of Ginger's leg hair? I was expecting a fine lawn of red from kneecap to toe--those are just... ice cream sprinkles... That's what Ginger has been losing sleep and literally losing Courtney over? I've been making terrible hairy leg jokes this entire post for nothing. Leave it to a preteen to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Macie does some math to figure out it'll take them a week to pluck each hair, but Dodie and Ginger ignore her and begin the plucking. After just one hair, Ginger wails in pain. Realizing that Macie's right, Dodie tosses the tweezers out Ginger's open window, which coincidentally lands right next to Miranda's feet as she's walking up to the door. Frizzy-Lizzy comes down the stairs to Miranda shoving a book into her arms, demanding that she do all her homework for her. Ginger almost makes a breakthrough, almost, by retorting, "You expect me to do your book report?" but then my confidence in her ability to grow testicles is shattered when she childishly says, "But I have homework of my own," as if Miranda is going to sympathize and put Ginger's education above her sick pleasures. You know what, Ginger, you deserve to do all of Miranda's homework for having an old, wet noodle for a spine. She takes the walk of shame up the stairs as Carl howls in the background.

Whomp whomp whomp whooooomp.

Darren stumbles into a black market in the boys' bathroom to retrieve a book report for Ginger to give to Miranda.

Meanwhile, Carl barges into class, showing off his complete transformation as Wolf Boy while Mrs. Gordon scribbles some easy math equations on the board behind him:

It's the hottest look for Fall 2000.

Honestly, this might be the biggest cry for attention I have ever seen from Carl. Unlike Dodie, who's obnoxiously desperate for attention, Carl is charmingly desperate, because at least he achieves attention through his own creativity and wit, and doesn't rely on gossip and betrayal to get noticed. So, I applaud him for that. Besides, his Wolf Boy costume is quite snazzy, don't you think? After some jokes about his heightened senses and scaring the heebie-jeebies out of Higsby, Wolf Boy is sent down to the nurses' office.

While I'm glad Ginger didn't actually write the book report for Miranda, I find it deeply disturbing that she continues to let Miranda push her around like this. Miranda gives Ginger a sample of her handwriting and tells her to study and perfect it so that her next book report is original, otherwise her secret will be revealed to the whole school. Ginger should just wipe her ass with it.

Courtney waltzes into the bathroom and all the girls crowd around her like she's a celebrity. Oh, what am I saying? It's Courtney Mother-Fookin' Gripling. She kicks everyone but Ginger and Miranda out of the bathroom so she can have a heart-to-heart with Ginger about why she's been flaking out on her. Instead of Ginger coming clean and telling Courtney that her so-called best friend is a jealous manipulating bitch with a vendetta against her, she tells her that she's been too "busy" to hang out with her, which out-of-context is code for "I don't want to be your friend." Courtney understandably decides to rethink her and Ginger's budding friendship, which is what any normal person would do if someone gave them that excuse, and has Miranda follow her around like her little pet once again. And to think all of this is really because Miranda just wants a friend and is afraid of losing the one that she has. Maybe if she wasn't such a manipulative little bitch-faced snake, she'd have real friends.

Carl returns from the nurses' office (though I doubt if he even went) and jumps out at a bunch of girls, howling and growling. He really ought to sell tickets for this kind of stuff. But it's only when Carl goes too far when he spots the bald teacher sporting a new toupee, stares it down like a real wolf, and attacks it right off his head.

Carl really needs to stop watching Being Human.

The next idea the girls have to get rid of Ginger's peach fuzz is to mix up some homemade wax and rip it off.

Meanwhile, Lois tries to talk some sense into her newly clean-shaven son about his Wolf Boy behavior, only to be thwarted by Carl's booming fanbase at the front door.

Ginger screams bloody murder from upstairs, sending Lois flying up the stairs to find out what's going on. From behind the closed door, Ginger's like, "Saw a spider. It's dead now!" and calls the waxing off. Macie's like, "But you don't want the whole school to find out about your hairy gene, like what Carl has." Dodie's like, "You actually believe that?" I'm surprised Dodie didn't believe it, considering she scrapes the bottom of the proverbial dumpster for stories. So, Ginger's like, "Carl is a master manipulator who can convince anyone of anything." And flick goes the lightbulb.

The girls approach Carl for his help, so he decides to shave Ginger's ankles, as she wasn't forbidden to shave those. He tells her to show Miranda her hairless ankles, which will get her off her back for good. Damn, that's some smart-ass loophole. He plops her on his chair, takes out his electric razor, and shaves away. Smooth, like a baby's bottom.

"Oooh, velvet." - Macie

He shaves half-way up her calf, though, but it's okay, because Carl was right. An immaculate ankle is sufficient enough to send shivers up this snake's slithering spine.

At school, Ginger's like, "Now take a hike, sistah, I ain't doing your shit no more." So Miranda's like, "whatever," and then has the audacity to try to go after Dodie to make her do her homework. Ginger finally tells her off, making Miranda slip away with her head held high, pretending not to care that her grade is officially in the toilet. Courtney comes into the class and praises Ginger's awesome fashion, thus rekindling their friendship. And then Ginger turns around and sighs romantically. No, really, she actually does. Which means that this is the scene that confirms Ginger's secret requited crush on Courtney. I had my doubts at first, but this face seals the deal:

Like I mentioned earlier in the review, this is the shallowest episode of the series so far. It's a shame because there are so many better episodes that illustrate the complexity and originality of the show, but this episode just makes it feel like another kids' cartoon. What really bothers me is the confusing message behind the main plot. Instead of standing up to Miranda and telling her that she's not going to be the boss of her, Ginger succumbs to her every selfish wish just to make sure no one knows about some stray hairs on her legs. Now, I know self-image is a huge deal in adolescence, as kids Ginger's age are struggling to find their place in life and who their true friends are, but for Ginger to be so spineless is totally out of character. It not only sends mixed messages to those at home watching, it also presents an uncomfortable amount of distrust in the show itself because of how realistic and intricate the rest of the series is. In other words, the more realistic and well-written episodes later in the series are on the same level as this shallow episode.

What I wish the writers could have done instead (and with every other show that presents this manipulation trope) is to have Ginger stand up for Miranda in the beginning of the episode where she threatens to reveal her secret, and come to not care about her legs when everyone finds out. There, the moral would be to not care what others think about you. Sure, it would be a much shorter episode, and I guess that's why the writers decided to write it this way. However, this show is supposed to be full of morals like every other Nickelodeon show, but what's the moral to this episode? Care about what other people think of you? Allow others to control you just so they keep quiet about an embarrassing secret? The writers shouldn't have written this episode at all. Who's to say that Miranda didn't tell anyone about Ginger's hairy legs already? With a mouth like hers, I'd find it hard to believe she kept it on the down-low. Maybe no one really does care about hairy legs. Either way, this was a very irresponsible episode that rubbed me the wrong way. And I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: it's better to be charmingly desperate than obnoxiously desperate for attention; instead of facing your fears and standing up to your bullies, kowtow to the puppet strings of manipulation and face years of torment to save yourself from a few days of embarrassment