Season 1, Episode 5: "Of Lice and Friends"

The junior high students file into the cafeteria to find out who the new morning announcer is going to be. Why the cafeteria? Isn't this the kind of information you could easily just announce over the P.A.? Anyway, Principal Milty calls up this awkward, drawl-voiced kid named Chet Zipper to announce it. Meanwhile, the trio decides to gossip while waiting for the name to be called. And it's Dodie.

The crowd cheers for some reason, and Dodie skips up to the stage like a Justin Bieber fangirl to make a corny speech. She's so excited, because this is apparently the luckiest day of her life. Damn, this girl will do anything to have eveyone's ears pierced by her ugly voice, won't she? It's really pathetic. The audience cheering for her may have egged her on, though.

"Now the whole school will get to hear me, Dodie Bishop, talk every single morning for the rest of the semester!"  <-- This should be an actual quote.

Courtney and Miranda approach the trio Men in Black style, and Courtney's like, "Hope you can improve the school," and then the two walk away. What's wrong, Miranda? No cracks about Ginger today? Maybe she went deaf listening to Dodie at 100 decibels just now and is silently cherishing the fact she will never be able to hear the morning announcements again. Dodie practically faints because Courtney finally acknowledged that she's more than just a speck of dirt on her designer shoes.

Hoodsey rolls up to the doghouse just in time for Carl to come out and proclaim that he found Siamese earthworms. Hoodsey says he can't touch them because he has head lice, which doesn't make any sense, yet he comes within a foot of Carl. Carl takes out a pocket microscope to check out the bugs. There's, like, dozens of them, with lots of eggs ready to hatch.

"One...two...three...four...five...six...seven. Seven glorious lice! Ah, ah, ah."

He decides that the lice are awesome enough to harvest, so he combs them into an empty jar. And what's his big plan? A lice circus. I've heard of a flea circus before, but hey, this could be interesting, too. And who better to invest in this totally off-the-ball project? I'll give you a hint--it begins with "B" and ends with "Gripling."

The next morning at school, Ginger and Macie hear a wretched, cacophonous sound emanating from the main office. Upon further investigation, they discover that Dodie has been possessed by epileptic gypsies summoning the spirits of the underworld. And also styled by Sarah Palin.

Once Dodie notices she has company, she quickly reverts to cloaking mode. Apparently, that was just a warm-up routine to clear her throat. I'll believe it. Ginger and Macie wish her good luck and they leave for class. One of the administrators walks by with an armful of papers. Dodie stops her to say that the announcements she was given to read don't have enough embarrassing, juicy gossip for her to infect the school with. She asks if she could "tweak" them a bit, and the administrator is like "Whatevs," before running off to her highly underpaid duties.

So, Dodie reads the announcements TMZ-style, which is instantly a huge hit with the school. Then, she begins to delve into more personal matters that involve some stock couple's affair at the class field trip and a moose statue. Harsh.

Oh, please. We all know your relationship wasn't going to last past gym anyway.

After school, Dodie gushes over hearing how much Courtney admires her gossip skills. Even Macie--level-headed, good friend Macie--gets caught in the gossip trap and mentions a piece she's heard about Mipsy. Dodie immediately pulls out a pencil and notepad, because her head is at full capacity to retain new personal business. Ginger dances around the fact that Dodie is being even more fracking annoying than usual, but Dodie's like, "Ah, who cares?" and shoves her aside to pluck the lint balls of information from Macie.

At the elementary school, Carl tries to smooth-talk his way into getting Blake's attention. It almost works, until Carl drops the jar and releases the lice.

How did that even happen, anyway? If the lid was on securely, that shouldn't have happened. Ah, who am I kidding--of course ten-year-old boys won't be able to resist poking and prodding at the cool bugs. After Carl and Hoodsey put the lice back into the jar, Blake backs down, as he has a similar project going on with flies and colorful wings. Hoodsey's down with Blake's plan, but Carl's like, "Meh, that's lame."

The next morning, Dodie spouts more personal shit for her little gossip show, which pisses Ginger off more and more. A new announcement comes through, and she manages to cause low-grade chaos with mention of a lice outbreak. Courtney decides it'll be smart to wash her hair four times a day instead of her usual two, which is not only incredibly unhealthy but counterproductive, since lice prefer clean hair. Imagine the horror of telling Courtney that she'd be better off going greasy for a few days.

Sometime later, the trio freshens up after a sweaty gym class. There are squeaks heard off camera, and they quickly realize that someone is using the locker room showers. This is apparently an awe-inspiring event, surely one that'll keep kids up in the middle of the night running up their cell phone bills with the hot gossip. And who better to begin this piece of gossip than the morning announcer girl?

If you wash your hair four times a day, it'll get extremely dry and start falling out. But it'll be super clean!

Dodie makes goo-goo eyes when Courtney finally pronounces her name correctly. Even Macie and Ginger find that crap sick.

And just to shake up the episode a bit, why not have the regular school nurse be out sick and have Lois fill in for the lice check? And let's have Dodie announce it to the entire school, humiliating her best friend in the process! Wow, what a twist!

At least Courtney has some sympathy for her. Unlike a certain best friend of hers, who also finds this news absolutely delicious. Bitch.

Ginger and Macie approach Dodie in the halls, and Ginger rightfully attacks her while holding back tears. True, the school would have found out about Lois being the lice checker anyway, but announcing it to everyone is definitely uncalled for, not to mention completely unnecessary. But Dodie's like, "Oh, please, this is the best thing that's ever happened to the school! I ain't gonna keep it on the down-low just because it's a friend's mother!" Oh, God, Dodie. That's your best friend, you're talking about. What the hell is wrong with you? A few girls walk by talking to each other about Courtney's love for Dodie, and then Dodie's like, "Well, screw you if you don't like me invading others' privacy!" And then stomps off. Please, somebody punch this girl's lips off. They're so loose, she could re-sink the Titanic with them.

What I don't get is why none of the administrators or Principal Milty stop her from turning the announcements into Teen TMZ. This is a school building with standards (supposedly). Are they really that apathetic, or are they just happy that kids are listening to the announcements for once so they don't have to waste money printing out newsletters to send home to the parents for the exact same announcements?

Blake arrives at the doghouse and Carl happily greets him from up in a tree. He and Hoodsey are chillin' up there like nobody's business.

Blake invites Carl and Hoodsey to his "Cirque-du-Fly," an obvious parody to Cirque-du-Soleil. Aw, that's actually quite sweet of him. Carl ignores the invitation to run into the doghouse to show off his own trained lice, all of which have died of starvation and lack of oxygen. Well, what did you think would happen to living creatures if you didn't provide them with a proper biome? Blake's like, "Oh, that's too bad. But if you'd like, my show's still on the fly, hint-hint, nudge-nudge." Carl tells him to screw off, and then tells Hoodsey that he's got a better idea in mind. Complete with a maniacal laugh.

Lois rolls up to the junior high school with Ginger, spilling onto the curb because Lois is a horrible driver. Ginger flies out of the car without even letting Lois know where the nurses' office is. Well, you might as well, Ginger. Everyone knows your mother is coming in, so what's there to hide? Anyway, she gives Dodie the stink eye while Macie stands next to her, the poor monkey in the middle, as always.

I can understand Ginger being pissed, but why is Dodie? Because she finally got called out? Or because her "career" as a blabbermouth--I mean, "morning announcer"--doesn't fly well with Ginger as much as it does with teen heartthrob Courtney Gripling? 

When Dodie walks off (I assume some time has passed, though it seems quite instantaneous), she happily announces that she is lice-free. In a very shining moment in the episode, Ginger confides in Macie that she can't tell Dodie anything anymore because it'll be on the morning announcements the very next day, and Macie agrees that it's totally bullshit what Dodie is doing, as that's not what real friends do. Finally! Someone finally said it! Someone finally called out what a vile "friend" Dodie is! You have no idea how happy this makes me.

It was at this moment that they began questioning what sinister force compelled them to put up with Dodie's bullshit all these years.

It's time for everyone to get checked for lice, so they stand up and head for the nurses' office. Miranda gasps and mockingly flicks Ginger in the head as an allusion to the lice, further proving the fact that she is the biggest bitch in Nickelodeon history. Actually, she and Dodie could get along very well together. Why doesn't she join Dodie in the morning announcements? I say kick Dodie out of the trio and let Courtney in, provided there's a restraining order that limits the amount of hugging and hair-sniffing. 

Miranda walks out knit-free, though I think a nest of blood-sucking insects would have been beneficial to her over-inflated ego. She could give the stuffed and fattened lice to Carl to replace all his dead ones. Courtney goes in next, and boasts about her shiny, supposedly louse-free hair. Then she compliments Lois for pulling off white after labor day. What a sweetheart. So humble, though a bit shallow. Anyway, as soon as Lois parts her roots, a lone louse scurries in between some hair roots to the tune of some jungle music.

There are even a few eggs planted against her strawberry-scented follicles. With the amount of times she's washed her hair, it's no wonder lice managed to get in there--with all the scents of her shampoos and lotions, they probably think it's a smorgasbord in there. Lois regrettably tells Courtney the news, and Courtney flips out and boasts yet again how she's the epitome of cleanliness. Lois explains to her that lice prefer clean hair, as it's easier for them to move around, and that she would have been better off "rolling around in mud." Then Lois gives her some anti-lice shampoo and tells her to wash her bedding to drown all the lice. Courtney finally understands her counter-intuitive behavior was a big mistake, and begs Lois not to say a word to anyone about her having lice. She agrees, nurses' honor. You know, it's not that crazy for someone to believe that by keeping clean, it'll keep the lice away. So I'll cut Courtney some slack.

Ginger's next and she's lice-free, which surprises Lois since Ginger's been hanging around Courtney so much. Oops. What happened to that nurses' honor, Lois?

"Nurses' honor," eh?

Lois promises Ginger not to tell anyone about Courtney having lice, and that may or may not happen considering the amount of loose lips this episode. They sink many a ship.

Meanwhile, Carl and Hoodsey spy on Blake via binoculars. They notice him tossing some balled-up green thing away. The boys sneak over to the trash can, lift the lid, and find not only the green thing, which appears to be rotten cabbage, but hundreds of maggots chillin' at the bottom of the trash can. Hoodsey hands Carl a generator with a lightbulb on it and asks him what it's going to do. Carl says that it'll warm them up, which will speed their descent into flyhood.

I don't know if that's entirely accurate, and I'm too lazy to Google the life cycle of flies, so I'll just assume that's the way biology goes for the sake of the show.

The next morning at the junior high school, Dodie walks in with an under-ripe carrot for an updo:

Her hair actually reminds me of the first episode where Carl used Ginger's hair curler to curl his bangs into carrots. I don't know if that's a shout-out to Carl's curls, or the animators don't have a clue how to draw hair. Or maybe they do and are trying to say Dodie doesn't know how to style her hair. Anyway, she walks in, and actually asks the school janitor if he found any good notes. Good Lord, this girl is desperate! I'm genuinely surprised she hasn't gotten her ass kicked yet. 

So, with nothing juicy to report on, you'd think Dodie would stop her little gossip show and start reporting actual school news. Ha. She accidentally breaks the point on her pencil and searches the desk drawer for a new one. Inside is a freshly-sharpened pencil, along with a record of past detentions. That's not scandalous enough for Dodie, so she snoops around for something better. In the opposite drawer, she comes across the lice report.

Why would they have that laying around in the main office, anyway? Shouldn't that be tucked away in the nurses' office files? Anyway, Dodie pops open the folder and reads the list of students found to have lice. The seventh name on the list is Courtney Gripling. She makes orgasmic noises and proclaims that she'll "go down in Lucky Junior High history." You know how in those episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants where Mr. Krabs' eyes would turn into dollar signs whenever he's presented with a way to make oodles of money? Well, the same thing happens with Dodie, except instead of dollar signs, it's Courtney Gripling's heads--one for each eye--sans lice, of course.

Courtney nervously walks into class, which also happens to be a class she shares with Ginger. She sits behind her, and Ginger instantly becomes filled with guilt, either because she knows Courtney has lice, or she's afraid of catching Courtney's lice. Dodie comes over the P.A. and, wouldn't you know? She starts reading off the list of students found to have lice, leading to grossed out reactions. Courtney, in a desperate attempt to keep her name out of the air, leans forward and begs Ginger to run to the main office to stop Dodie from reading her name. Not the other students' names, just hers. Well, I guess by stopping her from reading Courtney's name, she won't get a chance to read the rest of the names. Ginger makes a run for it, managing to pull the plug, literally, right before Dodie says Courtney's name.

Dodie's all, "What the hell do you think you're doing ruining *my* big moment to become popular?" And Ginger retorts, "Your big moment humiliating people?" At first, Dodie looks taken aback, as empathy is a foreign concept to her, but then tries to cover her ass by saying the students have a right to know so they won't catch lice. Ginger makes her realize that Dodie is only exploiting people for the oodles of attention, which makes Dodie so angry that she accuses Ginger of being disrespectful, and proclaims that they shouldn't be friends. Well, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black! Ginger leaves, announcing that they aren't friends anymore. You go, Ginger!

Back up in the tree, Carl and Hoodsey continue to watch for Blake when he opens the trash can and has a fly surprise. He opens the trash can to throw out what looks like a chemistry set (?) and all the flies come swarming out into his face.

The boys laugh at him, especially when the flies chase after him. Buzz. Buzz.

Ginger goes up to her room with a snack when she hears the doorbell ring. It's Courtney. Courtney stands at the doorway rambling nervously about how Ginger saved her from being the laughing stock of the school, and I swear, between the gentle music and Courtney's shaky voice, I thought she was about to kiss her. Instead, she gives Ginger a hug. D'aww.

Then, she leaves. Immediately after, Ginger is found in the bathroom scrubbing her head from possible lice contamination. Lois comes in to reassure Ginger that she's been rechecked and doesn't have lice. Then asks if she's going to have her three-way phone call with Macie and Dodie even though she and Dodie no longer occupy the same air. Ginger's like, "How do you know about our fight?" And Lois is like, "How do I not know? I overheard you talking about it." She tries to convince Ginger to patch things up with Dodie because everybody makes mistakes every now and then and--No, no, no! Now, I love Lois. I think she's a great mother with sound advice on a general basis, but she is completely in the wrong here. Dodie is a horrible, horrible friend, and what she's done goes beyond making a mistake. I know we're only five episodes in, but in these five episodes, you can see the kind of person Dodie is, and she'll only continue to get worse throughout the series. In real life, girls like Dodie are the insecure bullies who end up in one of those pacts that shame fat or weird girls into suicide. But, because this is a kids' show and it's crawling near the end of the episode, Ginger looks into the mirror and considers taking her mother's advice. She calls Macie, and we have a shot of Macie's room for the first time. Just look at her awesome in-floor bed!

I seriously want Macie's bean bed.

They conclude that it's just going to be them from now on. I wonder why Macie never talks to Dodie about her betraying all the kids in school with her gossiping. Or about any of the other B.S. she infects them with. I'm guessing it's because she's afraid to speak up to avoid conflict. I doubt it's because she actually condones Dodie's behavior. Dodie calls Macie, and Macie switches the line over to talk to her. Macie wonders if the reason Dodie called was to apologize to Ginger, and Dodie's like, "Yeah, I guess." Is that so? Well why didn't you just call Ginger then, Dodie? Anyway, Macie patches them both through, and leaves them alone to settle their differences. Dodie stumbles through her apology, but eventually, Ginger forgives her after Dodie promises to stop blabbing everyone's personal business to the school, even at the expense of Courtney returning to mispronouncing her name. Then, Ginger, Dodie, and Macie have a big laugh about how Miranda called some high school guy during gym class for some reason. Friends forever! Bleh.

Ginger and Macie suck. Screw Dodie. I hope all the canoodling up to Courtney gave her a full head of lice.

What a shame that the Gods of Nickelodeon allowed this friendship to last.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: don't announce other peoples' business to the entire school; cut ties with toxic "friends"