Season 1, Episode 1: "Ginger the Juvey"

Fun fact: the official first episode began with Melissa Disney's (AKA Ginger's) version of the theme song, which was eventually switched to Cree Summer's version for the first half of the first season, only to be switched out again for an R&B cover by Macy Gray. The American version of As Told by Ginger doesn't have Melissa Disney's version of the song, probably because it's, well, awful. Sorry! Macy Gray's version was used throughout the remainder of the series, and honestly, it fits so much better.

Anyway, here's the review:

All the kids are hanging around by the front of the school building waiting for their parents to pick them up, I guess, because apparently the Lucky school district can't afford school buses. 

The first character we're introduced to is Courtney Gripling, the most popular girl at Lucky Junior High: fabulous outfits, pretty, obsessed with her own reflection, the whole shebang. Courtney tilts her little makeup mirror behind her to eavesdrop on our three main characters: Ginger Foutley, Dodie Bishop, and Macie Lightfoot. It's kind of creepy, actually, as if she has nothing better to do. Don't get me wrong, Courtney is actually a great character, but I've always found her to be weirdly attached to Ginger, as if she's harboring a secret lesbian crush on her. 

There isn't even any eyeshadow in that thing.

Ginger, Dodie, and Macie talk about their after school plans, which include tons of gossip and complimentary pedicures, until Dodie's harpy of a mother, Joann, rolls up. Dodie calls shotgun, or "front-sie," and the three take off. Meanwhile, Courtney and her token black friend, Miranda, have both been eavesdropping on the group, because Miranda asks Courtney if she heard anything "interesting."

Here's something actually interesting: lots of sitcoms at the time always had to have that "token" black friend, or Hispanic friend, or Asian friend, as if to show the networks that they weren't racist or something. I mean, of course friendships in real life are diverse, but it just seems forced on TV.

Anyway, Courtney asks Miranda if she knows what a "front-sie" is, but Miranda's like, "No idea." She offers to look it up for her for some reason, but Courtney says she'd rather find out for herself. And she says it in a really creepy way, too, like she's going to sneak over to Dodie's house and hide in the closet to get in on the trio's inside jokes.

At Ginger's house, Dodie is getting ready to paint Ginger's toenails. She comments that the nail polish color is the exact same shade Courtney wore for the entire marking period last semester. Woah, woah, woah... not two minutes into the first episode and already we have a creepy stalker triangle going on? How could Dodie possibly have known that unless she stared at her nails all year? And why don't Ginger and Macie call Dodie out on how weird that is? They're just preteens, after all, so the in-crowd is kind of like their own little group of celebrities, and celebrities are practically considered socially acceptable to stalk. Paparazzi, anyone?

Ginger complains how Courtney always looks so much better than her, and then Dodie makes this face:

"Don't say Courtney is prettier... Don't say Courtney is pretter..."

Some friend, you are, Dodie. You're supposed to be like, "No way, girl. You're waaaaay better than she is. Hugs!" But instead, Dodie side-steps Ginger's self-deprecating comments to show off the ah-mazing paint job she did. Whatever.

Back at the Griplings', Miranda is *gently* scraping off Courtney's corns and Courtney yelps in pain. You might need to go to a doctor if your feet hurt from that little bit of pressure, Courtney. So, Miranda is like, "Why didn't we just go to the salon like we usually do?" And Courtney responds by saying that this is what friends do, "as simple as front-sies." 

Oh, I get it now. Courtney wants a "real" friendship, like the kind Ginger, Dodie, and Macie have. But not with Miranda--with Ginger. Damn, that's cold. Is Miranda really even Courtney's friend? Not only that, but Courtney totally wants Miranda to smell her feet:

Then they start talking about Courtney's "surprise" party, and go over the guest list. Miranda is shocked to hear Courtney wants to invite Ginger to the party, and I guess it's supposed to be shocking because guitar sound effect plays with an upward inflection, though that could also be because some robotic eye lens just straight up pops through Courtney's bedroom door. It's just Courtney's little brother, Blake, spying on them. Courtney shoos him out, and then gets back to the subject of the party. Miranda says Ginger is a total wannabe, but Courtney is like, "There's something about her..." which is code-word for "I totally have a secret crush on her." After more insults by Miranda, they move on.

Meanwhile, Blake listens to the recording he made earlier, then whips out his walkie-talkie to talk to Carl, Ginger's little brother. I wonder if those were really a thing back in 2000. I didn't know anyone who had walkie-talkies, but I see them in almost every kids' show. They seem much cooler than landline phones. No data plan, no misleading texts...

Next is the first shot of Carl's secret hangout, an abandoned doghouse that's attached to the main house. Carl and his best friend Hoodsey (Dodie's little brother) are playing around with used dentures for some reason. Carl picks a wad of prune out of his and shoves it in Hoodsey's face, which is seriously disgusting, even for a ten-year-old.

Carl picks up the walkie-talkie and asks what Blake wants, and Blake, with his weird, polite cockney accent, tells Carl that Ginger is going to be invited to Courtney's party. Apparently, this is some sort of blackmail that Blake plans to use, and in exchange for this info, he wants Carl's prized petrified eyeball in a jar as payment. I guess it's supposed to be for collateral, because what would a seven-year-old (or however old Blake is) want with a human eyeball anyway? But Carl mocks him for revealing the info before blackmailing him. Silly child!

Carl runs upstairs and karate-kicks Ginger's door open, almost giving Macie a heart attack. He tells Ginger that there's some news about her and Courtney floating around the playground, and Ginger practically begs him to talk. She gives him her curling iron in exchange. Hoodsey reveals the news, and Dodie totally creams her pants. 

I have to give Courtney some credit here: the Griplings are rich. Filthy rich--they throw huge, extravagant parties every year with all the glitz and blitz and everything. An average middle schooler being invited to a rich kids' party is like being invited to the Oscars. It's a huge deal, man.

Ginger struts through the halls the next morning reading her official invitation, and accidentally bumps into Courtney, knocking all her school books down. Why is this such a common trope in TV shows? Whose grip is that loose that they'll drop whatever they're holding because someone bumps into them? Anyway, Courtney and Ginger exchange a few words before the nerdy hall monitor stops them and Ginger freezes up in Courtney's presence. Preteens.

Miranda approaches Ginger in the bathroom, and Ginger cowers like a puppy. Miranda pulls the creepiest line ever: "I see you're washing your hands. That's good," followed by a maniacal laugh that makes Ginger noticeably uneasy. WTF Miranda? She mentions Ginger's invitation to the party, and then Dodie and Macie's heads appear from behind the stall. Why were they in there in the first place? Were they waiting for her this whole time?

"Don't we have a test in algebra right now?"
"Yeah, but it's okay. I know my geography."

Miranda creepily tells Ginger she has to get Courtney a gift, and after more verbal bullying, Macie falls out of her stall and lands at Miranda's feet. It's kind of allegorical, to be honest. So, Ginger gets all freaked out, because now she needs to buy a real present for Courtney's birthday, instead of hand-making some crummy gift she won't even use. Totally ridiculous, right? Then again, it is Courtney. Anything Ginger gives her will probably be used as a dildo, anyway.

Carl and Hoodsey plan to take blackmail photos at Courtney's party. Apparently he also tried out Ginger's curling iron. Just look at that hair!

Meanwhile, while Carl is explaining the plan in the school bathroom, Hoodsey is in the middle of taking an uncomfortable dump, complete with grunts and toe-curling.

Ginger seeks advice from her friend and next-door neighbor, Darren, who also has no idea what to do. Then, he gets wedgied by some big-nosed jock right in front of the girls. Douche. Darren suggests getting Courtney an IOU, which is about the lamest and most pathetic idea I've ever heard. Not to mention awkward. Can you imagine?

"Happy birthday, Courtney. I didn't know what to get you, so here's a piece of paper stating I'll get you something later." This is why gift cards were invented.

Miranda comes back, with freaky piano music in the background, and says she can help. Seriously, does this chick have nothing better to do than stalk Ginger? Miranda takes the gang to the local bank and points out the large "enter" sign at the front. She tells her Courtney would just flip if she had a rusty old sign for her bedroom door. Wow, really? Steal private property? Ginger is understandably skeptical, but because she's a gullible preteen on the verge of rubbing elbows with popularity, she legitimately considers it. Miranda gives them until after her clarinet lesson to decide, just to put more pressure on her, I guess.

After school, Carl and Hoodsey decide to team up with Blake, much to Blake's childish delight. After conflicting schedules, Carl and Hoodsey decide to wait it out until Blake makes the next move.

Ginger lies on her bedroom floor with one hell of a crisis: to steal or not to steal the sign? Darren is sitting on her windowsill helping Ginger weigh the pros and cons. He's on the side of larceny because if Ginger goes to prison, she gets to sleep in a bunk bed, and bunk-beds are totes gnarly. But if she doesn't steal the sign, Ginger will forever be known as a chicken to everyone she encounters until the end of time. Hmm... sleep in a cool bunk bed or be called a chicken... tough decision... 

Damn, I'm so glad I'm not thirteen anymore.

Blake pulls through, and the boys' plan is back in action.

Ginger calls Miranda on the verge of a mental breakdown, ready to go through with the plan. I guess she really likes bunk beds too. Miranda celebrates her manipulation success by drawing a big ole mustache on Ginger's yearbook photo.

This is actually what Miranda's dream man looks like.

After Ginger's mom, Lois, leaves for the night, Ginger, Dodie, Macie, and Darren put the plan into action. They break into Carl's room, throw on some black clothes to obscure their identity (you're telling me Ginger doesn't own even a single black sweatshirt? Seriously?), and haul ass out of there as Carl's alarm system is triggered. Yeah, this ten-year-old kid actually rigged his room with high-tech anti-burglary devices for poops and chuckles. Better practice your getaway plan now, Ginger; your little bro is already steps ahead as a vigilante mastermind.

I still don't know why they decide to leave the house through Carl's second floor window. No one's home; just use the front door.

Blake's butler, Winston, pulls up to the house and compliments him on his sassy outfit. Blake knocks on the doghouse door, but is caught via rope trap instead. It appears there has been some "tomfoolery," and Carl and Hoodsey were just pranking him the whole time. Tomfoolery, indeed, you little yuppie.

In a treehouse across the street from the party, Carl and Hoodsey set up a camera for pictures. Miranda slithers off to a quiet area to call her father, a police officer, to rat Ginger out. What a little conniving bitch. Incidentally, Carl and Hoodsey snap a picture of Miranda in the moment. Caught, sucka!

Right as Ginger's hands touch the ENTER sign, a flashing cop car pulls up behind her, and Ginger shits herself right then and there.

Meanwhile, Winston cuts Blake down from the trap. Lucky for those walkie-talkies, eh? But why does he even have a walkie-talkie for Winston? As rich as the Griplings are, why don't they have cell phones? As revenge, Blake takes Carl's petrified eyeball.

Miranda's dad tells Ginger that she's in a buttload of trouble, and may be on probation with mandatory community service. Sucks that she won't get to sleep in a bunk bed for this, though.

Miranda's dad drops the gang off at Courtney's party, right at the big surprise moment. Way to steal the attention, Ginger! All the cool kids in school notice Ginger is in the car, but not Dodie, Macie, or Darren for some reason. Ginger rolls down her window and apologizes to Courtney for screwing up her party, but Courtney, being as blindingly in love as she is, plays off Ginger's new hard, criminal lifestyle like it's NBD. The party-goers, who don't know how to react due to the force of peer pressure collectively take a big sigh and follow in Courtney's lead to cheer Ginger on. Damn, this girl has such a magnetic pull on people. If Courtney wanted to take all her birthday presents and chuck them into a roaring fireplace to use as makeshift firewood, they would fall at her feet and fight for marshmallows to roast over them.

Of course, since Miranda's plan to humiliate and ruin Ginger's life failed, she is pissed as all hell.

Carl tells Lois what happened, and she angrily takes him and Hoodsey down to the police station to bail out the four miscreants. Meanwhile, Blake is angry because Carl and Hoodsey trashed his treehouse, but hey, at least he got the petrified eyeball. 

But hey, this episode wrapped up quite nicely, at least: Dodie is arrested, Blake has an eyeball, and Ginger is happy because the whole middle school now knows she exists. Everybody wins!

"Ah, this will fit marvelously next to my petrified kidney!"

Lesson Learned From This Episode: What's important is that everybody knows you exist. Even if it means stealing from a bank. Because bunk beds.